Well, I promised I would give an update and this will be the last one. Here is the original post that many contributed to:
AgingCare closed the post, so I couldn't add anymore there, so hopefully others will see this update.
So, without going on and on for hours...this is how everything has panned out. My wife did move her father into our home in Jan of this year. His condition was pretty bad, but she was determined to get him rehabilitated so he would have a better quality of life. She wanted to get him off the feeding tube, and up and walking/wheeling around with a walker/wheelchair. The general consensus from everyone was that my wife would not be able to handle it entirely on her own since he had been in a nursing home the previous 3 years and had the help of an entire staff vs. one person. Well, to my surprise, her father was given the best care that you could imagine from our government Medicare/Medicaid. He was provided every single thing needed for him here in our house, everything. Next, was the actual burnout..sadly I was hoping my wife would get tired and burn out quickly and realize this was a mistake, but I was wrong, completely wrong. His medicare/medicaid provided other nurses that came over a couple days a week during the week, plus another dedicated nurse for all day every Saturday. He also had physical therapists and other nurses coming by on a weekly basis, it was incredible. Our country has the best healthcare in the world, maybe not every state, but our state provided beyond any expectations I ever had. So with everything in place, she begins his rehab, and low and behold he is a complete a-hole to everyone. He went through several nurses who basically fired him, along with PT folks, he was not cooperating at all. He basically laid in bed all day, tv on...living his best life. He was really unnoticeable for the most part besides people coming and going. I did not help one bit, and my wife never asked me for help one time. My kids were able to spend some time with their grand dad, and while it wasn't the best time to spend with him, it was something. So over the past 11 months, he would end up with an infection or something, and would go in and out of the hospital several times.. His Dr. said that he was making big improvements from when he was under the nursing home care, and that gave my wife some hope, but I honestly wasn't seeing this improvement. During his stay, I was pressuring my wife on getting a plan, and unfortunately I knew there wasn't one besides her giving it the best shot she could at getting him a little better. He ended up going on a ventilator during one of his hospital stays, double pneumonia, whatever..and I thought this was it, NOPE, he survived and actually came off the ventilator but came home with a trach in his throat..one more thing for my wife to clean and tend to. After the 8 or 9 month mark, I could tell my wife was getting increasingly frustrated with his stubbornness to get better. He was taking advantage of her and the situation, like he always did, and I was ready to wheel his butt out of here. Instead, I supported my wife, and just carried on with my typical Dad duties. Before he moved in, both her and I worked our tails off and finished out a new room upstairs that one of our kids moved into, so space was not an issue. It was tough, and at times an inconvenience, but I pushed forward and hoped for the best. My wife and I did not fight too much over the matter, we actually got to spend more time together, almost too much time, if you know what I mean. So, fast forward, 2 months ago he comes out of the hospital with a broken hip..and goes down hill quick...she finally realizes that this it, he will not recover, and it's time to make some real decisions...I'm running out of characters, so keep reading the next comment...
So I think that will conclude this saga...thanks to everyone who followed along over the years. I appreciate all of the original advice dearly, it helped me out tremendously throughout, as I was in a pretty weird head space. And to those who are in a similar situation, I wish you luck, as that's what I think we had on our sides for this to all work. Enjoy life, and love your family through thick and thin!
As funkygrandma said, it's good things worked out so well in your situation which is the exception to the rule. Especially with the " the best care that you could imagine from our government Medicare/Medicaid. He was provided every single thing needed for him here in our house, everything." I can honestly tell you that's the FIRST time I've ever read such a statement on Agingcare and I've been here for many years.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything and your wife the ability to move on with her life after she grieves the loss of her father.
You should ALL be very proud of yourselves. Your entire family.
Thank you so much. As Igloo said, so few come back to tell us how things proceeded for them after they made their decisions on whatever subject they wrote about.
I can only hope that you and your wife stick around. You will have learned so much that would be invaluable to this Forum, for you have truly walked the walk.
My respect and sympathy especially out to your wife, and thank you so much for being her support. As I always tell folks, only you can make your decisions.
I know many that have used writing to 'debrief' or settle their thoughts after big life events. You express yourself very well. Keep writing if it helps you!
As the last chapter ends on your FIL's life, you can appreciate all your family went through.
Through thick & thin, sickness & health. It's not always possible for families to stay intact. I think you & your wife must be rare indeed & possess more than the usual amount of reasonabless & respect.
You have respected her values, maintained your own boundaries & she has respected those.
Regarding your FIL's care, your wife did her very best. She knows that not everyone can improve. She learnt how to let go. A big life task.
Wishing your family peace for the new chapter after caregiving.
And you were not lucky, you were obviously blessed for it to pan out as it did.
Now make sure after her dad passes that you take your wife on a nice long vacation to her dream location as she's earned it.
so you got the 20 x 20 attic space room fixed up for the boys, excellent!
Good luck on wrestling & may he get a a college scholarship even if smallish should he go to a school with wrestling team.
If you don’t mind, I do want to ask, did the State actually pay your wife $30 hr for a 40 hr work week so $1200 a week paid to her before taxes to care for her dad as In Home Health services?
Our 15 year old has done so well this year in his wrestling...I cried the other day watching him fight so hard. There is a chat app that all the parents use to communicate and they were all talking about how well he did, and all of there kids couldn't stop talking about it.
So my wife ended up getting a job with the local home health care provider that took care of her Dad, and yes she was able to make roughly $30/hr taking care of him. BUT, it was not easy work, she had way way more charting to do than any other nursing job she ever took. She would be up till 1am regularly finishing her charting after a long day of taking care of him. Again, the saving grace were the other nurses that came to assist her a few days a week, 2 afternoons, and 1 Saturday till 4pm. And I will say, her Dad was pretty good through the night, didn't wake up. She would get him settled and done around midnight, and then back at it early the next morning. Thanks for following along, I'm glad it has worked out for my family.
Prayers for your wife as her life is going to make a huge turn now.
I, too, have been 'counseled' repeatedly that I should divorce my DH. It's been the rockiest road with him for many years--but overall, I won't do that.
Your wife deserves all the accolades and love that she can possibly give her.
Hoping for a very peaceful passing for your FIL.
Great to see a decent ending to a sad story.
All the Best to a very solid couple.
My father was a loveable Carmudgeon. My DD, an RN, said he got her ready for those miserable people she had as patients.
By allowing your wife to do what she needed to do will give her peace knowing she did the best for her father. His last year was spent with family near by.
Thank you so much for the update and glad it all worked out for your family. You write well. Maybe you should write an article and seevif you can have it published.