Well, I promised I would give an update and this will be the last one. Here is the original post that many contributed to:
AgingCare closed the post, so I couldn't add anymore there, so hopefully others will see this update.
So, without going on and on for hours...this is how everything has panned out. My wife did move her father into our home in Jan of this year. His condition was pretty bad, but she was determined to get him rehabilitated so he would have a better quality of life. She wanted to get him off the feeding tube, and up and walking/wheeling around with a walker/wheelchair. The general consensus from everyone was that my wife would not be able to handle it entirely on her own since he had been in a nursing home the previous 3 years and had the help of an entire staff vs. one person. Well, to my surprise, her father was given the best care that you could imagine from our government Medicare/Medicaid. He was provided every single thing needed for him here in our house, everything. Next, was the actual burnout..sadly I was hoping my wife would get tired and burn out quickly and realize this was a mistake, but I was wrong, completely wrong. His medicare/medicaid provided other nurses that came over a couple days a week during the week, plus another dedicated nurse for all day every Saturday. He also had physical therapists and other nurses coming by on a weekly basis, it was incredible. Our country has the best healthcare in the world, maybe not every state, but our state provided beyond any expectations I ever had. So with everything in place, she begins his rehab, and low and behold he is a complete a-hole to everyone. He went through several nurses who basically fired him, along with PT folks, he was not cooperating at all. He basically laid in bed all day, tv on...living his best life. He was really unnoticeable for the most part besides people coming and going. I did not help one bit, and my wife never asked me for help one time. My kids were able to spend some time with their grand dad, and while it wasn't the best time to spend with him, it was something. So over the past 11 months, he would end up with an infection or something, and would go in and out of the hospital several times.. His Dr. said that he was making big improvements from when he was under the nursing home care, and that gave my wife some hope, but I honestly wasn't seeing this improvement. During his stay, I was pressuring my wife on getting a plan, and unfortunately I knew there wasn't one besides her giving it the best shot she could at getting him a little better. He ended up going on a ventilator during one of his hospital stays, double pneumonia, whatever..and I thought this was it, NOPE, he survived and actually came off the ventilator but came home with a trach in his throat..one more thing for my wife to clean and tend to. After the 8 or 9 month mark, I could tell my wife was getting increasingly frustrated with his stubbornness to get better. He was taking advantage of her and the situation, like he always did, and I was ready to wheel his butt out of here. Instead, I supported my wife, and just carried on with my typical Dad duties. Before he moved in, both her and I worked our tails off and finished out a new room upstairs that one of our kids moved into, so space was not an issue. It was tough, and at times an inconvenience, but I pushed forward and hoped for the best. My wife and I did not fight too much over the matter, we actually got to spend more time together, almost too much time, if you know what I mean. So, fast forward, 2 months ago he comes out of the hospital with a broken hip..and goes down hill quick...she finally realizes that this it, he will not recover, and it's time to make some real decisions...I'm running out of characters, so keep reading the next comment...
She became an employee of a home health company that had your FIL as one of their clients. That’s it isn’t it?
Actually this is/was better as she would have burnt out with flames hitting the rest of y’all in the process. The company has your wife among others as part of their overall team to provide In Home health for your FIL, is that kinda it in a nutshell? Team of 3 or 4? + PT?
Bet it’s an experienced agency that has a no nonsense policy.
& I’m guessing wife team leader? so on her for majority of paperwork which is pretty intense. As she’s a RN is her salary based on degree and work experience? Im guessing it’s not $45/$55hr? It’s less, maybe half what she’d make otherwise but it’s not a fair comparison as it’s PT work in her home.
Did FIL have to do a copay? (from what’s he gets from his monthly income, like SS income) or is his income so low that he was way under the requirement to bother to collect a copay for in home services?
And on another tangent… really on the wrestling start looking about for schools with wrestling programs if it’s that your son wants to keep up with this sport in college. Ours (now 26) did a nontraditional sport from age 8 and we mainly looked at schools x the US that had this sport as varsity. Amazingly and to both my & Hubs surprise, scholarships were offered and even more surprising if it seemed he was on the cusp of acceptance grade /test score wise for how the school supposedly did admissions he would get a fat acceptance letter if the coach called him about his interest and position on their team. Even had a couple of alums have him over; it was an interesting senior high school year.
Guilt is such a powerful weapon. One we use on ourselves way too often when it isn't even really what we are feeling. I keep trying to help my husband recognize the difference between Guilt and Grief. But when people are in the throws a situation like that - they can't see the forest for the trees so to speak.
As the spouse in the situation - it is often incredibly difficult to know which way to turn and how hard to push. Because we can often see things with a very different lens - and quite frankly - we want to protect them not only from their family but from themselves.
I have to give you kudos for not only being able to support her through all of this, in spite of your own objections (I get this with my entire being, I really do) but also for recognizing that there were pros to the situation as well as the cons.
I know that you already know that she is going to be all over the place for the foreseeable future. Her initial emotion is probably going to be relief. And then she's probably going to feel guilty for feeling relieved and then this whole rollercoaster of emotions. But I think you guys are used to rollercoasters by now. But you seem to have this support model down pat. Just keep doing what you are doing.
She's very lucky to have you!
I never participated in your original post so I didn't have a horse in this race. I live in MN (Minneapolis metro suburb) where I think the healthcare is pretty darn good. My MIL is in a LTC facility on Medicaid. She has a private room. She gets excellent care from an amazing staff. The facility has beautiful grounds and is on a lake. The staff takes her out on the facility pontoon boat to fish, and takes her to outings (like Llama farms) and hosts all sorts of therapy pets, events and activities. It is a faith-based facility.
Just posting this to support and round-out your positive experience with Medicaid (in-home). Going onto Medicaid *sometimes* isn't the end of the world. Healthcare quality and accessibility varies widely by state and even county. This is why people need to think long and hard about where they settle in their sunset years.
That being said I want to point out that luck definitely was a factor in your wife and FIL's experience... so many other variables could have been their reality -- but I'm very happy that it didn't turn out that way. Your kids have learned something too (and my opinion, based upon personal experience, is that it is a valuable, other-focused and maturing experience).
When the time comes, I hope someone will "put out" for your wife like she did for her Dad... May you and your inspiring spouse have a blessed, restorative and peaceful 2024!
Please, one of you update us on how she made this work,!
I know many that have used writing to 'debrief' or settle their thoughts after big life events. You express yourself very well. Keep writing if it helps you!
As the last chapter ends on your FIL's life, you can appreciate all your family went through.
Through thick & thin, sickness & health. It's not always possible for families to stay intact. I think you & your wife must be rare indeed & possess more than the usual amount of reasonabless & respect.
You have respected her values, maintained your own boundaries & she has respected those.
Regarding your FIL's care, your wife did her very best. She knows that not everyone can improve. She learnt how to let go. A big life task.
Wishing your family peace for the new chapter after caregiving.
I appeared to be "fine" at age 17, as my mom cared for both a chronically ill brother and her elderly mom in our home.
I can recall asking for "help" as a young teenager. She called our pediatrician and handed me the phone number of a psychiatrist.
Wishing you all well.
Great to see a decent ending to a sad story.
All the Best to a very solid couple.
My father was a loveable Carmudgeon. My DD, an RN, said he got her ready for those miserable people she had as patients.
By allowing your wife to do what she needed to do will give her peace knowing she did the best for her father. His last year was spent with family near by.
Thank you so much for the update and glad it all worked out for your family. You write well. Maybe you should write an article and seevif you can have it published.
You should ALL be very proud of yourselves. Your entire family.
Thank you so much. As Igloo said, so few come back to tell us how things proceeded for them after they made their decisions on whatever subject they wrote about.
I can only hope that you and your wife stick around. You will have learned so much that would be invaluable to this Forum, for you have truly walked the walk.
My respect and sympathy especially out to your wife, and thank you so much for being her support. As I always tell folks, only you can make your decisions.
As funkygrandma said, it's good things worked out so well in your situation which is the exception to the rule. Especially with the " the best care that you could imagine from our government Medicare/Medicaid. He was provided every single thing needed for him here in our house, everything." I can honestly tell you that's the FIRST time I've ever read such a statement on Agingcare and I've been here for many years.
Wishing you the best of luck with everything and your wife the ability to move on with her life after she grieves the loss of her father.
And you were not lucky, you were obviously blessed for it to pan out as it did.
Now make sure after her dad passes that you take your wife on a nice long vacation to her dream location as she's earned it.
Prayers for your wife as her life is going to make a huge turn now.
I, too, have been 'counseled' repeatedly that I should divorce my DH. It's been the rockiest road with him for many years--but overall, I won't do that.
Your wife deserves all the accolades and love that she can possibly give her.
Hoping for a very peaceful passing for your FIL.
so you got the 20 x 20 attic space room fixed up for the boys, excellent!
Good luck on wrestling & may he get a a college scholarship even if smallish should he go to a school with wrestling team.
If you don’t mind, I do want to ask, did the State actually pay your wife $30 hr for a 40 hr work week so $1200 a week paid to her before taxes to care for her dad as In Home Health services?
Our 15 year old has done so well this year in his wrestling...I cried the other day watching him fight so hard. There is a chat app that all the parents use to communicate and they were all talking about how well he did, and all of there kids couldn't stop talking about it.
So my wife ended up getting a job with the local home health care provider that took care of her Dad, and yes she was able to make roughly $30/hr taking care of him. BUT, it was not easy work, she had way way more charting to do than any other nursing job she ever took. She would be up till 1am regularly finishing her charting after a long day of taking care of him. Again, the saving grace were the other nurses that came to assist her a few days a week, 2 afternoons, and 1 Saturday till 4pm. And I will say, her Dad was pretty good through the night, didn't wake up. She would get him settled and done around midnight, and then back at it early the next morning. Thanks for following along, I'm glad it has worked out for my family.
So I think that will conclude this saga...thanks to everyone who followed along over the years. I appreciate all of the original advice dearly, it helped me out tremendously throughout, as I was in a pretty weird head space. And to those who are in a similar situation, I wish you luck, as that's what I think we had on our sides for this to all work. Enjoy life, and love your family through thick and thin!