Anyone’s LO in assisted living or memory care doesn’t believe there’s a virus? What can I do?

Hi Val
Here is a YouTube video where Teepa Snow is discussing elders in facilities.
You might listen to a few of her videos to see if you can pick up some pointers on dealing with your mom.
This has to be incredibly difficult for you and your mom. I’m sorry.


https://youtu.be/t9e2AB6Yw1s

My mom is also in memory care and I FaceTime her as well.

Can you just tell your mom you will be there in a couple of days and change the subject quickly? Maybe you can show her things on FaceTime. I try to play with my dog some and show her that, show her pictures or items in the house. Write something on a piece of paper and show her that if she can't hear you.

Try to avoid talking about a virus or why you can't come as much as possible... have some things to show her.. she might enjoy just seeing you smile.

I also send my mom little gifts with a card in them (if the facility allows that).

If she is both hearing impaired and suffering from dementia, her reality and your reality are just not the same, and trying to convince her that your reality is right and hers is wrong is a waste of your precious time during your “visits”.

I know this because I’m living it. My feisty, tiny, tough as leather LO was diagnosed in March with Covid and she lived through 3 weeks with her “cold” and I lived about 90 years’ worth of worry at the same time.

Now, I’m THRILLED to see her, so that’s the first thing I say. The NEXT thing I say is that ...”I can’t come in. It’s not allowed!”

After stating that ONCE, I go IMMEDIATELY to what she’s wearing, how GREAT she looks, what she’s eating, what I did this morning that was fun, awful, too hard.....I talk about family activities, the weather, something I saw on TV. I don’t wait for her to interact, as I NORMALLY would, I just keep moving from one thing to the next. Aside from her dementia, and my worry, NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS NORMAL, so don’t worry about comparing these visits with what was happening before this nightmare started.

My “visits” are 15 minutes long, but my LO RARELY lasts that long, and THAT’S OK. When she starts getting annoyed, I say “I’ll be talking to you SOON (NOT specified), tell her several times that I love her and can’t wait to see her again,

She sometimes interacts with me meaningfully, sometimes not, sometimes pleasant, sometimes nasty. ALL GOOD- she can still talk to me, she!s gained 5 pounds, she’s virus free. I’m cheerful, super talk,

I’m BLESSED that she’s alive and improving. At present I’m expecting nothing more than seeing her face, whether it’s smiling or frowning.

YOU are giving your mom a wonderful gift by entering her life under impossible circumstances. Stay in the moment. Bring interesting things for her to look at, which may nudge her into responding. Take your focus off what she’s contributing and refocus on filling your time with ANYTHING YOU THINK MIGHT ENGAGE OR AMUSE HER, presented fairly quickly.

GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT. YOU DESERVE IT.

Thanks for the advice. How do your visits take place. Mine right now is through a window. I wish the facility’s could come up with a better system. Hard for her even to see me through it. I might limit the FaceTime calls. All she wants to know is when I’m coming. Then doesn’t want to talk about anything else. I’m in NJ so don’t even know when i will be able to actually visit

Hello

I don't know if she does not believe it, but she does not understand why i cannot come in and see her and cannot understand why she can't come home.

Awe sweetie, I'm so sorry! I bet that's so hard, both on you and your mom! Maybe you can get a newspaper article to show her! I wish I had a better answer for you! God bless you and your family!

This whole thing is just awful. And the only things we can do to support them don't really seem to help much.
We had not seen my FIL for 2 months. He had vascular dementia and has issues being able to tell reality from fantasy so we elected not to visit via Facetime. He had issues with his vision and hearing so that whole thing would have been more of a mess. We also did not do window visits. His daughters who live out of state did call him but that was normal for him to have calls from them. For us to call, would have been more confusing than not seeing us. He was doing well there and was happy. He participated in activities and even when they made them isolated in his room, he was doing okay.
I know people are desperate to see their LO's but if they are upset during the calls or video chats, then maybe they are not helpful. Having them constantly reminded that you are not there, that you cannot see them during these calls is upsetting for both sides. If they are doing well when they are in the facility, and the staff does not report them crying and looking for you, then maybe it might be better to forego the calls. I was able to get updates on my FIL from the staff.

The last visit was the worse. I was armed with conversation topics. The minute I got there she was angry. Told me she wants to see a doctor. I explained the nurse just examined her. Spthey are all bShe’s doing great. Didn’t believe me. Got angry wanted me to leave. Wheeled away from the window. I tried talking. Changing the subject. Nothing worked. She started screaming she will find someone else who cares. Turned away. So I left. Her speech is bad. Can’t find the right words. I was upset all day Had an aid FaceTime me this morning. Asked me when I’m coming. I said I was there yesterday. Didn’t believe me. So this will be our pattern. At least until I can get her out for a visit. I guess this is Alzheimer’s. When I heard people say it’s so hard I thought it was Just about memory. But it’s so much more. As I’m typing this my phone rings. It’s my mom who sounds happy and like a her old self. It’s a horrible roller coaster

I think I would quit visiting until you can visit in person. Don’t feel guilty about doing it because you aren’t helping her or yourself.

Don't discuss it. She is old and probably has some dementia or is just obstinate. Facetime the best you can and be patient. Many people have Bad connections due to the COVID19---This VIRUS.

I would recommend you tell her that you are sick and your doctor advised you to stay away from others because you don’t want to get her or others in the home sick. Tell her to put the hearing aides in the next time you want to FaceTime because your illness that you have is effecting your hearing but if she uses those you can hear her better. You just have to work around their mind sometimes to help them understand better. Don’t let the dementia be smarter than you. My gramma turned 98 today and also has Dementia.

My mom is 100, and she remembers stories of the Spanish Flue of 1919, so I tell her this is worse.  She forgets, but I just tell her again.

Mom knows something is wrong but doesn't always remember what it is. Sometimes she asks if I think it's all "falderah". When I explain to her how many people have been sick and died, she is appropriately concerned, but then will ask when I'm coming to see her. I finally put up a bird feeder outside her window and have been going to visit at the window a couple of times a week. I'm not sure if this is working out though as she wants me to come in and gets frustrated that I can't. Video calls have been good because we get many of us on at the same time and she just likes to hear us talking among ourselves. I think she believes we are all together but only has said once that she wished she could be there with us. Ha! Maybe she's remembering the chaotic Sunday visits and is thinking she's glad she doesn't have to deal with that anymore!

I have done the window visits, face time and phone calls and initially everything wen well. But the isolation has taken its toll on my 95 year old bipolar mother who’s in AL. She’s in a bad stage and has become angry. When I call she lifts the receiver up and hangs it up immediately. For the past week I’ve stopped trying to contact her which leads to guilt on my part. It’s hard enough to deal with the restrictions connected to the covid quarantine but so much harder when you’re dealing with someone with other issues. I can’t change her actions and I try to force myself to stop feeling guilty about it one day at a time.

I have same issue with mom in nursing home. However I do think we need to contact local authorities and get some lightening of the restrictions. The isolation and loneliness is doing more harm than anything and if limited visitors with screenings could be allowed I think the residents spirit would be lifted and we would see an improvement in a lot of ways.
Please consider contacting the proper leaders if the virus isn’t rampant in your area and ask for some sort of lessening. These folks don’t need to spend this much time alone. That is my belief and as far as handling my parent it is just the battle I have had for over 12 weeks now.
Elderly people are out shopping, etc and will be attending church soon so why are the ones in these facilities held captive 100%? It just seems a bit more harsh than it could be. Again just an opinion. I know the virus is deadly and we should take precautions but consider their mental health and the great need for social with this population. The lack of that can be deadly too. Surely there is a happy medium?

My mom is the same way. She has gone downhill fast in 2 months. She's 84, has dementia, but it wasn't bad until now. Now, she's delusional and thinks that everyone is leaving the place except her. I don't know what to do!

This is a very tough situation, since you and your Mom have no control over this health crisis. We have lost our freedom from this lockdown.That's what COVID-19 is doing, destroying everyone, perhaps permanently for most, whether or not we get infected. Your mother's age was not mentioned, but little really matters.

Live in the moment by sharing happy things for distractions.

My Dad (who is in a Rehab. Facility) and my Mom at home just don't completely understand the situation. So I have started saying as soon as the Governor allows us to visit we will be there.
Seems to help to place the "blame" on someone else....

Does she remember when you are there? (mine never does - which is why I'm asking)..... If not, just say, 'I just left and I'll see ya in the morning!'......I wouldn't even try explaining it anymore. It's sooooo sad.....but, it's okay in order to keep her comfortable, by saying that you were there.

This is a huge problems, residents with dementia can't process or reason normally anymore, as a result many don't understand that families can't do in person visits at this time and often feel abandoned by their families.

One idea I had with some of my families in this situation is to asked the facility to place a speaker phone next to the resident. Then the family can call and the resident can both see them through the window and hear their voice. The hope is that the resident can make a better connection by both seeing and hearing their loved one. In some cases this has worked wonders. Other times the residents dementia has progressed to the point that they can't make this connection.

One of my homes stopped window visits and told the family they could no longer be on the property. The Administrator told the family they would set up a Zoom call or FaceTime for them to communicate. This resident had advanced dementia and her husband is legally blind. The family tried the Zoom call, we even had the Director of Social Services in the room to help work with the resident. Not only did it not work, the social worker said it appeared to scare the resident, I believe the reason this does not work for residents with advanced dementia is because when you are looking at someone on a computer you are seeing a two dimensional figure, in person you are three dimensional! This resident could not process a two dimensional figure!

I went to the administrator and then to the Corporate Office for this community and told them that this resident needed access to the window visit due to the fact that her advanced dementia would not allow her to benefit from computer visits or any social media including phone visits. I reminded the them that they are required to provide reasonable accommodations and that we tried the Zoom and FaceTime but they were not successful. The first response from the Administration was that all they were providing reasonable accommodations (Zoom Calls, FaceTime), they could not be held liable if the family refused their options. I reminded the Administration that what are "reasonable accommodations" for one resident may NOT be "reasonable accommodations" for another resident, remember this resident had advanced dementia and her husband is legally blind! (The family did attempt the Zoom call and it was not successful!)

Finally, after one week of advocacy with the Corporate Office of this facility, the policy was changed back to allow window visits with all the residents/families of that home, not just my client. The resolution was for the staff to bring the resident to a window in the main lobby, one concern was that families could open the window and in the resident's room and have contact with their loved ones, the window in the main lobby could not be opened. This resolution took care for the facilities fears and is allowing residents and families to once again communicate.

Please families, advocates don't give up! During this time we are going to face unique problems that we have never seen before. I believe there is always a resolution to every problem, we all need to join forces so love that our loved ones/clients continues to experience the best quality of life possible even during this Pandemic! We all have to think "outside of the box" to come up with unique resolutions to these unique problems!

I wish you all the best - stay safe during this difficult time.

Can your mom read still, and comprehend-different from remember. I was wondering if you write out an explanation for her (using the governor as the bad guy), laminate it and have the caregivers keep it handy by her bed, on the wall by the window, whatever works. That way, you can say Hi Mom, will you do me a favor? Take a moment and read the shiny page on the wall by the window here?’ Or read it with her. Maybe add to the page ‘ I love you and can’t wait to hug you again. Soon!’
just a thought and maybe it’ll work for you to lessen the emotional pain for her

My 95 year old dad was the same but he is here at home. We showed him a few minutes of news every day where they post cases and deaths and finally after a week or two he finally got the idea and usually remembers. Now getting him to wear a mask is a different matter (he put it his head like a bandana for a joke)...but luckily he is not going anywhere soon. Good luck. It is a very hard time in your life.

I hate to say this but with age comes dementia and once people believe something, even if it is ridiculous, NOTHING IS GOING TO MAKE THEM SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY - THEY BELIEVE WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE. If she continues to get angry and nasty, and this will only get worse and keep repeating, YOU have to ask YOUSELF - do you want to put up with this every time you attempt to make a visit. It is obviously affecting you very negatively and upsetting you terribly. Do YOU want to allow that? She is "gone" for all intents and purposes so YOU must think of YOU and her behavior towards you. I would personally not be able to handle it and would have to face the fact that I simply have to love her for the past but can't handle the present. Save yourself before you end up next to her. You deserve the peace. Do NOT go near her.

My Mother passed away last August, she had Dementia / Alzheimer's. When Mom was first diagnosed, the memory loss was mild, however as time progressed it got worse and worse. She became a person that we did not know, thus not knowing who we were, she would yell at staff and us and use foul language, etc... In the beginning it was horrific and heartbreaking... BUT, after seeking to understand the disease, we realized that it was NOT about us, or our feelings, rather it was about being present for our Mother, the person who nurtured us from birth to adulthood. We realized that the person we were talking to and visiting was not the Mother / person we had known and loved. But, regardless of the difficulty of the visits and our wounded "feelings", we continued to visit Mom and talk to her and love her. Regardless of her anger outbursts and not remembering us, she was still a living human being, so to not see her would be cruel and wrong on so many levels. Another extremely important point is to ensure your loved one is being cared for properly in the facility. The harsh reality, is that far too many seniors in nursing homes / assisted living facilities are abused and or, neglected. If you love your family member, you will be there for them to ensure their safety and to send a clear message to medical staff that you are watching closely. We learned the hard way, thinking that our Mother was being cared for properly, what we learned, is she was not being cared for... under her clothing were wounds that were beyond my own human comprehension. Please, put your feelings aside, I know how difficult it is, but please, do it for your loved one. They are still human and have emotions... they need your love and I highly recommend (once facilities will let you back in to visit) bring them to their room and check their precious bodies for possible neglect and or, abuse. Being present is so important, as no living being should ever have to suffer unnecessarily, emotionally, or physically.

My heart goes out to you. May God bless you in this process.

Go with the flow, don't argue, just say you will come next week or on uour next day off work or when you get back from your trip, when you get over your cold, etc.I know it feels horrible to lie and make things up, but at this stage she will not remember from one visit to the next and it is better to just have happy visits as best you can. Change the subject, ask what she had for breakfast or lunch, ask if she would like uou to bring "something special next time" so she focuses on that rather than the lack now. My MIL would go through cycles of being withdrawn, refusing food, almost comatose, but if someone came to visit she would rally and be better for a while. The worst was in 2017, she had been placed on hospice care, but my youngest daughter was able to go visit. She not only remembered who Cherie was, but rallied and asked for a meatball sub sandwich from the deli around the corner. She was quite " with it" for some time after that. She passed in her sleep at 82 years last May, 2019.

Have the CNA’s talk to her and if they can’t get through, that is all you can do. You will be beating your head against the wall continuing to try to get her to understand. I feel so badly for the patients in facilities and also for the families. I had an aunt who passed away with none of her family members present and they were so upset and went to her window and talked to her on the phone the week she passed. Wishing you all the best and hope this all passes before long and that people will be able to visit their loved ones. Not much you can do. Try to occupy yourself because I know this stays on your mind. We do care.

We had a visit Monday and she was great. Happy and glad to see me. Everyone knows me there and I call often. Also send lots of treats for the staff. They all seem to really care for residents . I hope. Before this I visited a couple times a week and got to know the staff. Thanks for all your kind words.

Imho, it's going to be a losing battle attempting to explain the Novel Coronavirus to your LO with Alzheimer's. Her mind no longer has the capacity to understand. "She eventually calms down" and her inability to take care of the hearing aide problem WHEN SHE FIRST GOT THEM - (which is now a moot point) and this is all very frustrating for you. Prayer and hugs sent.

Good for you to stay close to her. Eventually you will have to do what's best and keep away...I know this sounds cruel but when the anger and outbursts override the good time "when" she can remember it's doing the right thing. I wouldn't have mentioned the virus...sounds so sci-fi I'm sure many don't believe it. Say you are ill...the truth is not a healthy thing in memory and dementia wards/persons. Constantly orienting to time and place is another one I see families do...it only causes confusion unless the person does and if they are that alert they don't belong in there anyway. And a biggie are the pictures set about the room to remind the people who their family members are...this can only serve as a reminder they are sick, lost it, who are they?, brings confusion, negative stuff. Take them out is my advice to people even in the beginning. Don't do face time with her...I can't even fathom how upsetting it is for her. When you admit you are doing all this for you: your guilt or how ever you see it...only than can you move on.