How can I approach my Dad about his gambling?
I've a unique situation and am seeking some advice. I'm my 85 yr old Dad's POA and he does listen to my advice, most of the time. I'm afraid, however, facing what I'm going to be telling him this time might just set him against me for good.
First off, let me say that Dad is doing just fine financially. He has a good monthly income and a decent amount in savings. Due to illnesses (and some symptoms of early dementia) he's currently staying with my brother and sis in law. My sis in law is watching him nearly 24/7 due to unsteadiness on his feet and periodic confusion, especially after waking from one of his many "naps". She's afraid to leave him on his own at all and he won't hear of having a "babysitter".
My older brother and I both live out of state so can't help. We seriously believe that it's time that dad starts paying for his care. He does pay his share of the bills and food, but my brother, and especially my sis in law, are really doing above and beyond for him. SIL has put her life on hold for him. They also need someone to stay up and watch him at night so they can get decent sleep (I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about here). My niece (age 22) has told me she would do it for 500.00 a month (she's a true night owl), a real bargain if you ask me. We think Dad should pay her to take the night shift, and pay my SIL 1,000.00/mo to care for all the other hours of care she's giving. Thing is, he can more then afford this, especially since he gambles nearly 1500.00 a month at the casino.
My sister in law is the one who takes him to the casino and she's tried not taking him but he get's like a little kid...rants, raves, cries and pouts, for days until she finally relents and takes him.nnFunny thing is, none of us want to take his gambling away. We know why he does it...it helps to ease the pain of being old, dependent, sick and without mom. We're all of the mind that he and mom earned their money, and if he wants to spend it that way, more power to him. He can afford, for a few year anyway, to pay both the 1500.00/mo for his care and gamble 1500.00/mo. He will need to sell his home up north (will never be able to go back to it anyway) to help him do it, but it is an option.
I know he's going to feel betrayed when I bring all this up. He thinks he's earned his care by having raised my brother. He already feels betrayed by my older brother (long story) and I'm afraid bring this up is going to cause him to believe my younger brother is only after his money, which is not at all the case. The paying was my idea, actually, and we all three children agreed it was what needs to happen.
I know that we are extremely fortunate that he does have the resources he does, but it doesn't change the fact that I know he's going to fight us on this, and I'm not sure what to do if he does. Does anyone have any ideas?
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My dad was ok financially, not super rich, but OK, including the very real possibility on my mother out living him. Weekly outings to the casino gave him something to look forward to..... So few interactive things he could still do. Maybe cut back on the gambling, not necessarily cut it out. Definately, get an agreement and get SIL paid and get her help.
Best of luck to you
As long as his gambling does not cause his monthly outgoings to exceed his income, well then - however counterintuitive it seems - you are correct to let him visit the casino. Your SIL actually *taking* him there might be a bit above and beyond, but you certainly shouldn't stop him - and if she goes too then at least she can keep some sort of eye on him.
My ex-husband's grandma, bed-bound for forty years (long story, medical boo-boo, don't ask), was as happy as a sand boy with her horse racing on the tv, her Cognac, her Sobranie Cocktails (she didn't like the yellow ones) and her direct line to her bookmaker. She made a modest profit, too, until the very end. As Roald Dahl put it: "…which proves that gambling's not a sin, provided that you always win."
Hm. The only fly in the ointment for me, with your father, is that the tantrums and the upset when he can't go… well, they say "addiction." That's more of a worry. But the thing about THAT is, if he is addicted, then it isn't something a loving amateur can cope with and you will need to call in expert reinforcements. No matter how carefully you "approach" him about it, if he really is addicted you're not going to get anywhere and you'll just upset him. Don't despair - it still doesn't matter as long as it's not harming his welfare - but if I were you I'd be looking ahead at strategies for when he's no longer able to gamble simply because he doesn't have sufficient cognitive function or is losing too heavily, whichever comes sooner.
Does your brother or any of the family like card games, backgammon, mah jong, even Monopoly? How about introducing betting games at home, where he can't do any harm because it is, literally, only Monopoly money he's playing with? Maybe you could bring in friends or neighbours to give it more authenticity. It could even turn into family entertainment..!?
The point about your father feeling hurt if you raise the idea of his paying rent and care costs to your brother's family: well. Your father may have earned his right to be cared for by his family, yes, if he and they both like to see it that way. But that doesn't pay for the rent, the utilities, the groceries or the chargeable time, because those are about $ and not about love and reciprocity. He'd have to pay his living and health care expenses wherever he was, and he's probably still astute enough to acknowledge that part. What he gets free, on top of his living expenses, is the warmth and comfort of having his family around him. It's not rent, it's him paying his share of the household costs - otherwise he's freeloading, and I can't believe he'd like that idea.
He started shutting down when he saw that I was sticking to my guns about paying her since he had no good reason not to and a score of good reasons he should. I knew it was time to wrap it up for the time being and let him think on it. I told him to give it some serious thought and that I'd call him in a few days.
I'm just glad he didn't hang up on me, and I hope it sinks in and he remembers the conversation...most of it anyway. I didn't get any guarantees that he's going to start paying, but he knows how we all feel now. The ball is rolling....
What I think you do need to confront him about is paying for his care. He can afford it. He absolutely should not expect anyone else to treat him like a charity case. Do draw up an official agreement spelling out what he is paying and what he is getting. If there comes a point when family can no longer do this there will be a huge sticker shock of paying the actual going rates, but at least he's got a chance now to break into paying for care gently.
It sounds like the family is united about this. Wonderful! Make sure Dad knows that.
It is also wonderful that Dad will be able to pay his own way for some time to come. There is always the possibility of catastrophic expenses that no one can anticipate and therefore always the possibility of the need for Medicaid. Let's hope not. But keeping records and having things in writing is just good practice whether he ever needs to apply for financial help or not.
You are the POA. You handle paying his bills, do you? So pay your SIL and your neice. Let him continue gambling. If this does go on more than a few years, sell the house he will never return to.
So the real problem, apparently, is that he will feel betrayed if you point out to him that caregivers get paid and he should pay his. You don't want him mad at you. Is that what it boils down to?
"Dad, Brother and Brother and I have been discussing how to ensure your continued good health and happiness. What if something happened that SIL could not look after you? So just as a contingency plan we looked into what it costs to bring a caregiver into the home. Well, we all hope that will never be necessary, but the more we thought about it, the more it seems to us fair that SIL be paid something for the time and effort she puts in on your behalf. You can afford to pay her, and if it means there is a little less for us all to inherit someday, hey we all want to do what is fair."
Don't drag his gambling into it at all.
It may be that as time passes he will be less able to go on gambling outings anyway. As the dementia progresses he may not remember what his assets are and you will have to make those decisions anyway. Don't borrow trouble from the future. At this moment he can afford both paying for his care and enjoying himself. Deal with the future when it gets here.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck. Certainly don't jeopardize your own relationship with him. But I hope you can find a way to help him do the fair thing.
Can you think of ways that he can use the $1500 more effectively, such as through charity work? It sounds as though he's still mobile enough to get around. Does he have any business background that he could contribute through SCORE (retired execs)? Any hobbies he could share through senior volunteer work, or with scouts, or would the dementia interfere with that? Is he active in any church work? Does he like animals? Could he volunteer at a local animal shelter?
I would also ask one of his doctors about getting home PT for the unsteadiness on his feet, and make adaptations such as clearing out throw rugs, installing grab bars, etc. to eliminate fall likelihoodo so that your brother and SIL can get more sleep.
I would also consider a medical alert device as backup and extra protection.
I think the payments to SIL and niece are reasonable and justified.
As to raising the issue of payment to him, I think you're right that he'll become angry. But realistically, it's not fair to expect your brother and SIL to provide care for him while he's spending $1500 on gambling. He couldn't go to a casino and play for free. What they're doing is worth far more than $1,000 a month - it would cost him several multiples of that at an assisted living facilty, which I'm sure he would fight tooth and nail.
I'd discuss this thoroughly with all the family before approaching him and see if you can't find a way to make him think that you're adding an extra level of care for him. Try to redirect his resentment toward your family into appreciate for your consideration and thoughtfulness.
If you have to, let him know that your brother and SIL can't do this forever, that their health will be compromised, and then they'll have to consider another option (i.e., assisted living) if they become ill.
I suspect though that that kind of projective thinking isn't realistic for him now.
Alternately, I would really try to think of ways to keep him occupied in charitable work or something that would reward him ("feel good work") so that he doesn't need to gamble to spend away the emotional pain. If you can find a substitute activity that makes him feel good and provides a sense of helping someone, it may rechannel his loneliness and emptiness.
I think so often people who've worked all their lives are just so susceptible to the disposable attitude which seems to accompany some aspects of getting old - so much attention is given to the young while the elderly are sometimes considered burdens. We as a society need to find ways their lives can be shared and still be useful as they age, despite infirmities.
You say Dad is unstable, yet SIL takes him gambling? Not the best of environments for someone with difficulty walking. Paying SIL and brother $1,000.00 a month is a pittance, as is $500.00 for overnights compared with the cost of home care or agency caregiving. Before anybody is paid you need a care agreement in place or Medicaid will look on these payments as gifts and require a penalty period equal to the gift amounts prior to becoming effective. Hopefully, his share of the bills are not being paid to SIL and brother, if so you need to fix this immediately.
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