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My mam has been in a dementia bungalow for nearly 5 months and she seemed to be settling in but has started asking when is she going home to her mam's house. The carers keep saying not today. Is that not giving her hope that one day they will say yes when it really isn't the case?

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Dear Kath
Your mam won’t remember that they have already given her that answer. She lives in the moment. If that answer satisfies her, it’s a good answer.
Hope is a wonderful thing for all of us to feel.
Hugs to you and your mam.
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Those carers are getting it exactly right, I think. As a dementia patient, your mom lives "in the moment". Telling her she'll never return home is not going to be productive. She won't retain it, and it will upset her every time she hears it.

Have you heard of Teepa Snow? She produces wonderful YouTube videos on how to best deal with some forms of dementia symptomotology.
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It's known as therapeutic fibs and redirection, telling her no won't teach her a thing because she won't remember for very long, and in the meantime she will be angry or disheartened and perhaps harder to deal with. Understand that with dementia her brain is dying, she can't learn something new or understand the concept that she is safer where she is or even remember why she can't live at home any more. To keep telling her, even if she understands and agrees in the short term, will not alleviate her desire to "go home", back to her former life when she was fit and strong and independent.
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Thanks for the replies.I feel so much better now.I hadnt heard of Teepa snow but will definitely look her up.I appreciate all of u who have replied and given advice.Thanks again x
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"Not today" is really a very good answer. Not a lie, just not the whole story.
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When I was 15, I worked, for a while, in a nursing home for people who were then called senile. Apparently it was felt that these people could be MADE to stop being senile. I left after a few months because it was so hard to see the same people crying over and over again because they had asked when mother was coming to visit and were told, "she's dead. try to remember." Now, I go once a week for library outreach. It is so different, 40 year later. No one tried to make anyone remember any things. It's all distraction. "when is mother coming to visit?" "Oh, do you want to sit here with me and wait. What shall we chat about?" You don't even ask them to tell you about their mother in case that would be distressing. It seems so much kinder.
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Thanks for sharing that, meallen!
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I tell mom when she asks that she is there for the therapy on her right hand which is basically not functioning - she looks at her hand & promises to continue with her exercises - mom has been there 5 years - asking to go home is normal - sometimes it is hard to even know what home she is taking about ... the last one or the one she grew up in with her parents & brother = warm snuggly & safe
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It's likely that your Mam's memory is such that she does not remember "not today" for more than a short time, if at all. At the moment she hears it, she may be somewhat more satisfied with that answer. Telling her that she can't go home may just make her frustrated and sad in the moment. Because of the memory issue, she is not likely to remember that either, so she likely will continue to ask about going home. My husband has been in a care facility for 2 years. When possible, I avoid answers to questions that might make him sad--thinking the sadness might linger even though he cannot remember why.
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From the description, I got the impression that kath61's mam was asking about going to her own mother's house, kath61's grandmother ("asking when is she going home to her mam's house.") If that is the case, and she was not asking about this before, then she has taken the next step backward in time. The responses given are, in general, the right ones. You can explain and tell the truth all you want, which will likely be upsetting to her, only to have her ask again and again every day the thought pops into her mind because she will not remember. Saying not today leaves the reality out of it and leaves the door open - as you say, giving her hope. It is a false hope, but is generally forgotten in short order and it is not hurtful. The truth may cause her grief and/or anxiety.

I saw this going on with another woman where our mother is (the MC unit has only been open a year now, AL/IL earlier, after a complete tear-down and rebuild) - this woman would go up to anyone visiting and ask if we could give her a ride to see her mother who was bed-ridden. It was kind of apparent that it was not likely her mother was still living, but I did confirm it later. For about 9+ months our mother would hound my younger brother about going back to her own condo (thankfully she hounded him, not me!) One day while visiting, out of the blue she asked me if I could drop her off at Nana's on my way home... Nana was her mother, gone now about 40 years. I just looked at my watch and said 'oh, it is kind of late today and not exactly on my way home... maybe tomorrow.' Her response was just oh, ok.

In a way, yes, it is giving them hope. However depending on the level of short-term memory loss, it is likely forgotten quickly that the discussion even happened. A few minutes later she asked me if I had keys to the place they owned before the condo - sold 23 years ago. Again... fib, little white lie, whatever you want to call it - it satisfies (most of the time) the request, for now and move on to something else. In this instance I pulled up my key lanyard and just said 'oh, no, not with me. I'll check when I get back home.' She accepted that and just said that she would stay there tonight if she only had a key. The staff has told me that she has talked of going (walking) to her mother's place and once was so adamant that she got her coat and purse and was going to walk there now! A little ingenuity got them over the hump (it was late, dark and many miles to go, in a different state, better wait for tomorrow!) She has alluded to her mother several more times since then (wanting to save a balloon for her, asking if she had a tree for Christmas, etc.)

We do not know/see/interface with your mom, but if she accepts the answer and moves on, then yes, the responses are fine. If she starts to get angry or balk at this answer, they'll have to change tactics.
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This individual won't remember what was told to her that day, let alone hour.
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From my experience with my mom, these answers are fine. You cannot explain or reason with them as the dementia has destroyed their ability to reason or remember. As your mom progresses in her dementia you may find that she will ask to see her family (those who have already died) or to go 'home' , to tell her that they have died, or try and explain to her that her 'home' was sold years ago, will only cause her pain every time she asks. She no longer has the capability to understand or retain what you are telling her. In these instances a white lie or deflection is way more helpful. When she asks to go home (and this can mean many things) tell her you need to get things ready and it's already too late to go today, or whatever you feel comfortable with that will spare her pain and chances are she won't remember the conversation anyway. My mom always wanted to go 'home' and she was home already my dad and I cared for her, at home, until she died. So I would ask her to tell me about 'home' and it never seemed to be the same place, but she liked telling me about it and then I'd ask a question about something completely different; like what do you think we should plant in the garden this year? It almost always worked and it made her happy which was the most important thing, after all. My blessings to you, Lindaz.
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Thanks everyone for all the wonderful advice and taking the time to explain it so thoroughly to me.it helps me enormously and makes my day a bit brighter knowing what to do.xx
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It's hard to do, but I'm on board now with saying whatever makes Mom the happiest IN THE MOMENT because she is mostly living now in the moment. I don't tell her she can live with me, but when she asks, I tell her that I will look into it and see what I can do. That usually satisfies her.
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My late mother said her 101 year old friend "was bleeding internally." I said "now listen, mother, does that sound right to you/logical to you? If your friend was bleeding internally, she would be dead." My mother's response "T's bleeding internally." I said "okay, mother, if that's what you want to believe." Honestly!! Drove me insane almost! Moral of the story-there is no reasoning with a person with dementia.
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