My mom has been in MC since August and it has been a big adjustment! However, she's been doing really well lately! She hasn't been calling us as much. As I took her out for a country drive the other day, she talked for about 20 minutes about the thick, gray haired guy on her floor who is very nice and laughs at all her jokes. She was as giddy as a school girl. Part of me is thrilled that she has found some companionship. The other part of me is thinking both of them have dementia and I don't want them to do anything dumb together. Are MC workers trained in this scenario? If so, how?
blessings, Liz 💕
What you CAN expect--on a day-to-day level, staff and aides will do what's easiest for themselves, and you have limited control over that. It will be easy for staff and aides to assume that mom and her new friend are keeping each other occupied much of the time, leaving staff and aides free to deal with other residents, with the result that mom and her friend actually get less attention from professionals.
If one tends to be more agitated than the other, staff and aides are going to be unwilling to pull them apart for any reason during the day, because one is keeping the other calm. This means mom and boyfriend spend much of the day in their own world, refusing to join in activities, refusing to make the effort to communicate with other people. If boyfriend, for example, has a private-pay companion or aide who comes to the facility for his special needs, boyfriend gets agitated if private-pay person tries to separate him from mom for even an hour.
If boyfriend is more agitated and confused and sickly than mom, mom is spending much of her day worrying over boyfriend, tending to his emotional needs as much as she can, trying to keep him from becoming agitated and depressed. It can quickly and easily devolve into a situation where mom spends 24 hours per day with an agitated, depressed, suicidal, frustrated, angry man with dementia, and staff and aides are mostly OK with the situation because it reduces their work load a bit. Don't be surprised if mom becomes a full-time emotional support caregiver for a disabled man she's known for 2 months, while you're still paying for it!
I could write more, but for now, I'll just let you know this has been my experience with my mother in memory care at a nice, upscale, suburban memory care.
My mother has an imaginary husband. She has conjured up her first boyfriend from high school who has come back and married her even though they haven't seen each other since 1946. He's also been dead since 2009, but I'd never tell her that.
Even though this guy exists only in her imagination, I get to hear about their sex life -- although I shut that down pretty quickly when she goes there -- how wonderful he is, how his parents come to visit and are kind of obnoxious, and how happy she is. Early on it was very hard for me to accept, because my darling father and the love of her life for 66 years had died only weeks before the new dreamboat popped into her mind. However, as time has gone on, I'm grateful for her creative imagination, because Dan the Man has kept her company during the Covid lockdown when I cannot. She isn't depressed, it gives her something to talk about when every day is pretty much like any other, and she looks forward to her sweetie coming home from flying around the world every day (apparently he's a personal pilot for the Kennedy family). Her stories are priceless.
Real or imaginary, everyone wants someone to love.
Not touch when you are changing a brief.
Not touch when you are dressing them
Not touch when you are bathing them
But REAL TOUCH.
Holding hands.
Massage
Looking into their eyes
Talking to them on a level even with them.
Relating to him or her in a personal way.
"We" ask how was your day, do you want chicken or fish for dinner (if that), time to take your medicine, time for bed, time to take a shower, time to get dressed.
Yes I will admit that conversation with someone with Dementia is a challenge. But it is little things like this that they miss just as much as we miss it in return.
So if mom or dad (or your spouse) finds someone in Memory Care that they can relate to, that they can hold hands with. That they can "spoon" with. If that makes their day better why stop it.
Now if one of the two is not understanding cues that indicate that the attention is not wanted then the staff should step in to redirect the more forward of the two.
Be glad that mom has found someone that can make her day better We could all use someone like that.
I would talk to the staff to get the facts. Your mother might just be fantasizing a romance. And if it’s true how nice she has someone to care about.
Drive off and live on the beach together? Have sex all day in their rooms?? Are you worried your Mom will get pregnant?
Sexual or intimate activities can run the gamant of holding hands and being nice to each other to rockin the bed and screaming with pleasure!!
I suggest you be happy she has companionship and has a man that is interested in her. If they both still have sexual urges and they both want to have that activity in some manner god bless them. You are going to be that age one day. You want your children intefereing with your enjoyment?
We are all living soooo much longer and the intimacy part of our lives has the potential to be extended as well. Have you ever looked up the mental, physical and emotional benefits for Seniors to remain sexually active? The physical, mental and emotional benefits are well documented.
I think its called "Away From Her".
Boyfriend has "escaped" the building twice. He waited by the front door and followed out the door behind a delivery person. (This lobby area can't easily be seen from the rest of the group living room. The doorbell dings when someone goes out, but I suppose aides just thought it was the delivery person.) My mother knew he was planning it, but intentionally did not tell anyone. That's right, sweet innocent mom watched him walk out and did not tell anyone and did not answer their questions, even though she knew he was a fall risk and shouldn't walk unassisted! The first time, he intended to go back to his old house several states away, then come back and get her. He was found on the private road a short time later. The second time, he was angry and frustrated, and mom believed he was actually suicidal. He walked out without his walker, without a sweater, without his phone and wallet--he told mom he wouldn't need those things anymore. Again, mom told no one, even though she was worried about him. He was found again a short time later, so no harm done.
No harm except...mom is now seen as a resident with "difficult behaviors," just like boyfriend.
No harm except...mom has the added stress of trying to emotionally support a depressed, angry, elderly man with dementia--24 HOURS PER DAY!
If for what ever reason they get agitated or violent with each other, then they would need to be separated. Otherwise let them have happiness in their final years.
As her brain dies, this romance she has will probably die too.
Why is her family paying? That is not a good idea.