How many caregivers get this question? How do you answer it? My mom with Alzheimer's asks this question all the time. She thinks she has been a bad daughter because she moved so far away from them and forgets the visits from them and our family visiting them. She gets depressed when she thinks she hasn't called them for a long time.
I have tried to distract, but when she gets stuck on this, she is really stuck. I have tried to assure her that she was a good daughter, attended their funerals, and talked frequently on the phone. Also, tell her that they were wonderful parents because they wanted her to have her own life as she wanted it. So, she moved nearly 1,000 miles away as a young bride. My dad passed tragically 45 years ago, which also causes similar anxiety with my mom.
Any suggestions?
Maybe showing her those would help?
I don't know otherwise...my mom often thinks she is not in her own home so I point out things and tell the associated story to jar her memory. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. If it helps, it is just temporary, anyway. That is the nature of dementia...so hard to deal with.
It is so hard. But their reality is so distorted. Sometimes it helps if you just ask her, what year is it? If she is talking about her parents, ask her about her sibs, what were they doing? Might reboot the memory onto another topic.
Hope this helps, no good pat answers with this disease and it just gets worse and the episodes more frequent. I fought it with mom for so long thinking I could get her back on track, and for the most part, we can have some sense of normal in conversations and then she reverts back to 2-3 life events that are all confused and convoluted and I just can't change.
For your own sanity, my suggestion is just go with the flow, especially if it isn't hurting anyone.
Have you heard of the game Quirkle? It is terrific for Alzheimer's. When my mom begins speaking of her dad, while she is talking, I listen, and begin setting up the game. She does not play the game, but it has many colorful tiles with shapes that can be added to. I have found the "Dover" coloring books to be very helpful as well. They have adult themed coloring books, not the general dog and cat books. You can order them with many different themes. My mom likes the books where the characters are in Victorian dress, or antique.
My mother's mom passed, when my mother was only seventeen years old. My mom never mentions her at all. Sometimes in the middle of the night she will call out "mom", and I just go in, but she never speaks of her other than that. My father passed away in 1993, and my mom never mentions him any longer. She only talks of her father, so I assume that is where her mind is stuck. It is difficult I know, but try to go to that time with her, if that makes sense.
I am not sure what stage your mom is in, but I try to do things that keep her busy. I bought some casino chips from a party place, for example. I bought them in five different colors. I have five glass bowls (because they make a clinking sound) I ask her if she can help me sort them.. I start out and show her what to do and then she takes it from there. I do this at least three times a day. I know she may not always be into it, but it has helped tremendously with her anxiety and bringing up people that are no longer living. Maybe try having a separate set of small towels at the ready. When she speaks of her parents pull out the towels to be folded. Clothes pins of a different color work well too. If you try to distract her and she is not compliant with it, or still continues to talk about her parents, then she may not yet be in a place where she is ready to let that go yet. You may have to continue explaining for some time. If that is the case, try one to two word answers without an explanation. You may have to say " you spoke on Sunday, or something to that effect.