Has anyone else noticed that sibling(s) that do not help with caregiving, seem to be the most concerned about the inheritance?

Ding, ding, ding!

That is good advice, Churchmouse. I recently talked to a financial planner who suggested leaving money to the granddaughters in trust, with their mother, my daughter-in-law, as the trustee. My daughter-in-law is great, but she has a heart problem and I don't want to burden her with my care and POA, but this would be a way to leave my Roth IRA, which I don't expect to use for myself unless other assets are all drawn down, to my two granddaughters--but not directly unless their mother thinks they are ready for the money.

Thank God We did not have any of that bickering since Mam had Her will made 12 years before She passed on, and informed each Member of The Family of Her wishes. But Mother had been giving to all of Us, throughout Our entire Lives, Why should any one of Us expect any any thing from Mam ?
Whitney to answer Your Question. We Humans are mostly selfish Being's Who only care for Our own kneed's. Much covets more, since the more We have the more We want. It's sheer greed.

Arleeda, you do seem to be getting ahead of yourself, worrying about what the terms of your children's wills might be! Concentrate on the bits that you can control, not on what might happen long after you're gone and don't care any more.

Appoint as your POA for finances and your healthcare deputy/proxy whichever child you feel is better able to understand and follow through on your personal wishes for your latter and final years. Talk to both of them *now*, explain your concerns about their disagreements with one another, and be plain that your priorities are a) to keep things simple and b) to avoid both conflict between them and overburdening either of them.

At this stage, when there is friction about their father's care, you have an opportunity to prevent its becoming worse and potentially irreparable. They both want their father to receive the best possible care for the longest possible time; but given that there are limited resources there is a difficulty in reconciling Quality and Affordability. Your daughter is correct that continuity of care provided by a good caregiver is the ideal; your son is correct that managing his assets to support him for as long as possible is important. They're both right. The silly remarks about dogs' homes and 'why should I care about him he doesn't care about me' are symptomatic of hurt feelings: you might be uniquely placed to soothe them in this situation, and do a lot of good.

Be careful about the terms of your own will. Your son's expenses will be greater, given that he has a family to support; but if you divide your estate between them anything except equally your daughter *will* be hurt. Even if she is the sort to recognise rationally that you are addressing their respective commitments, it is impossible for the child within us not to compete for our parents' regard with our siblings. One solution might be to leave your grandchildren their own individual legacies; but I do urge you not to favour one child of yours over another.

Absolutely! Caregiving usually falls on one person, who is often the female.

Nice catchy question, but what do you mean? Are they concerned there will be no inheritance? I should hope there will be no inheritance! Use the money totally on the patient... find out what will bring joy and do it. That question could have been posed by my father's caregiver, a sibling. I have never mentioned inheritance, neither have I asked what burns my craw..... where does Dad's money go? It is used to support Dad's household. The household includes the caregiver, his wife, and another sibling who is also a dependent. I keep my silence so as not to jeapordize my access to my dependent sibling and to my Dad. But I often wonder f I am shirking my duty as secondary POA by not asking to see the bills. It is not my sibling's strong spot to manage money, and I see a couple things that my Dad would like done differently, and when he mentions it, sibling and spouse ridicule him for it. Not really verbal abuse, but for a veteran suffering from PTSD and the anxiety that comes from loss of being the alpha male, any kind of criticism is harmful to his psyche. Enough little stressors, he starts to get the shakes, needs the meds to control it, which kills more brain cells, which increases the memory loss and the dementia. I have such strained relations with this sibling that I can not ask about it. As I say, I want no inheritance, I want to see it used on my Dad while he is alive. His caregivers ridicule any opinion that I have, I discovered this years ago, now I am criticized for not calling enough. I am so envious that they have free access to this now sweet (kind of mean when we were growing up, old age has mellowed him) old man, can sit and reminisce with him (which they hate to do because the memories are too sad and this of course makes his memories grow less). I live on the other side of the country, and can no longer do the monthly visits I used to do. I miss him, and my other disabled sibling, and would love my caregiver sibling if there wasn't this issue of care for Dad between us, and I envy them the freedom to have the job of spending his money to support the household he used to need. Now, he has gotten so bad he is permanently in the VA, where his care is free. Still, I feel it is their job to care for him. The will is made so that all money will go to them when Dad dies, so I feel it is like a salary for them. They get room and board now, and eventually, whatever isn't spent, will be theirs. I wish they would use it in a way that benefitted him. What he needs is to be placed in a facility where he can see a family member daily, and that means paying for it instead of using the free VA care. I have found places that should work, yet always they say it's too expensive. So there again, I would like to see where his money goes so that I can try to make it work for him to be in a pleasant place. True he has no memory from day to day, but his reality could be a pleasant one and in the VA are nice staff, but the environment is sterile and crowded, and no one can take much time from their tasks to chat with him, it is a long drive there for all family members, and a hardship for them to visit even twice a week. Weekends there is almost no staff at the VA, and it is all they can do to maintain order. I've been there when patients were disrobing in the hall, and had to be ignored because there was not enough staff to address it. whew..... "my whine for the day"

Here's my story. I had POA, medical proxy, and was Trustee my mother's estate.
I, with the help of one of my younger brothers, took care of my mother (who had dementia) for TEN YEARS.
No help from my older brother and sister.
Within weeks after my mother passed away and from the stress of being a caregiver for so long, I got a stroke.
About a month later, I started getting angry communications from older siblings that I had mismanaged mother's money and they were deprived of their "potential inheritance".
Indifferent to the fact that I nearly died.
They demanded "their fair share" of mother's estate
declaring that I took care of their mother
for "free rent" so I deserved no compensation.

They went so far as to threaten to sue me in probate court to throw me
out of mother's house all while I was till suffering from stroke.

I learned then that they were not truly my siblings but had been
adopted after they were raised by wolves.

The depth of their ingratitude and the the indifference of my
near death hurt me to my deepest soul.

Too bad for them, after I had to hire an attorney, I learned as the
Trustee, I the sole discretion and power to award myself and my brother
fair compensation for providing Live-in Care giver services at the going rate
in my town.
I won.
I plan to write a book about this someday.

Watching my son and daughter disagree over the handling of my ex-husband's property and long term care facility makes me wonder what to do in my own advance directives. I had made my daughter POA for health care as she is a nurse, and most of my assets have named beneficiaries. I own no property except a 10 year old car, and they are both grateful for that since cleaning out and selling their father's house to provide for his care has been a real headache. But my daughter wants a specific "sitter" for her dad, who has dementia and only listens to this one sitter (expensive, and my son thinks he can find a cheaper one as well as a cheaper memory care unit). Thus the disagreement. I have a durable POA naming them as joint holders if I become incapacitated. Now they are each after me to put one of them on my bank account so they can write checks. I can still manage my finances quite well and even do my own taxes, but if I should become incapacitated I don't want them squabbling over my care expenses. Should I change my will and other documents and get a professional, though probably expensive, fiduciary? My daughter, who is unmarried and childless, says she is leaving nothing to my brother, who has a wife and two kids, since he, who is 7 years younger, will leave nothing to her. Instead it is going to charity for homeless animals. I want to be fair and equitable, and I don't want to make enemies of either of them. So what to do about a durable POA and will Executor (actually I may still leave them both equally as Executors on will, since at death everything has named beneficiary and is split 50/50. That doesn't leave anything except car, household goods and cash on hand to go through probate, and that's not worth much. It's the durable POA if I become incapacitated that worries me. They clearly can't work together and don't even seem to like each other very much.

That is 2 brothers not 22. Sorry

I am care giver for my Dad with 22 brothers. October 2010 I started taking care of Dad and Mom. Mom's poor little body gave out on February 9, 2014. Dad's problem is Dementia with some bad pain in back and shoulders. The dementia of course is the main problem. My eldest brother is PoA. Mom had some $$$ set aside and now has run out. Brother that's PoA and my other brother is going to deposit $300. each monthly, but want to be reimbursed after sale of the house. This is the only inheritance. I make very little Social Security and after the 66 years I make $150. less than I would if I had worked instead of taking care of Mom and Dad. Yet, brothers believe I am lucky to live rent free. PoA actually had me paying $200. rent until I blew up. Mom's only sister expected the other brother to pull some shady and he did. I proved him wrong. My Aunt told me to tell my PoA brother that I want back pay. I don't understand why they think they deserve reimbursement for their 'loan w/no interest' when I have done everything for our parents. I have never asked for payment, but now I am going to tell the PoA I want the same amount that they will be reimbursed. I want Dad to stay in his own home where he is most comfortable and he really loves the back yard with a glass of Merlot wine, until the Lord calls him home. Never thought my eldest brother would be like this, nor did Mom, who handled all finances.

This is no coincidence! Only selfless people can be caregivers. As was stated above Karma will prevail

Bingo! Living that life right now. Dad is not rich, and all his money goes to medical. Trying to stretch what he does have out long enough for what he needs. YET...I have family members that must think he is rich and because they never help, they are ignorant to the costs of his medical costs, caregiver pay, meds, etc. I understand why they don't want to help, but they should expect nothing with their decision.
Plus parents should enjoy their money if possible, it is theirs. I never understood why people feel so entitled to their family's money....very sad indeed.

I'm in a similar situation. My mother has dementia/Alzheimer's and is living with my husband and me. Before my mother it was my father. When he passed, he left almost everything to me. My siblings never came to visit (he had 6 kids from 2 marriages). He had a small insurance policy he left to my half -siblings, and nothing to my immediate sibs. I paid his hospital expenses nursing home, doctors bills, and all other expenses out of his savings. I sold his home (the home was left to me) and split the money with my immediate siblings. Later I found out that one of them felt shorted because I didn't share any cash left. There wasn't any money left. When my mother mentioned that she wanted to leave her house to my son ( the only grand child she is close with) this sibling became angry and Mom backed down. When I asked if this person would help take care of Mom and offered to pay for that care, guess what the answer was. That's right, NO. I might as well be an only child for all good having siblings is doing me.

When things reached the point where 24/7 care for both parents was required, my brother demanded an initial payment of $10,000 go come and help. Plus, he wanted to live free and be provided a car too

I tried to explain to him that doing that would hurt the folks. 1) they really cannot afford to be throwing money around like that and 2) it would really hurt them if they ever needed to enter a nursing home.

So, the answer was no...so, he refused to come help.

But, when Dad died..first thing he did was show up with his hand out, Mom is the sole inheritor ... Yet brother was looking for some way to grab some money.

When Mom passes (many years from now, I hope) you know he will be waiting to grab as much as he can.

I am glad he stays hundreds of miles away. Very glad he doesn't live close enough to pester me on a regular basis!

My brothers were always considerate of their mother, and visited. The only problem was a reaction when I said that many people in the house would confuse her, leaving her drained and listless. The reaction was who was I to say people couldn't visit en mass, and did feel I wasn't trusted because of fair representation of just how much it took to raise everyone while I was a supposed dillitente (or that's how it felt).

Whitney's Question should be a Lesson to All of Us, where by We should be planning now for Our elder years when We can't look after Ourselves and need some Member of Our Family to Care for Us. In 2004 My Mother put My Name in Her Bank Account with Her own, some thing I did not want, as I said to Mam that She had 12 Grand Children and to leave Her money to all of Them. My Mother said NO because when She would grow old It's is Me Who would be Caring for Her, and I did. Mam set a plan in place 12 years before She died, and We should do the same where only those Who will Care for Us will reap what They sowe and the Lazy Bystanders receive Zilch.
FriendlyBedGuy, My Heart breaks for You, as You are so devoted to Your Family, and I bet it was You Who Cared for Your dear Mom, Rest in peace.

When my brother & sister come looking for their "inheritance" I plan on handing them a stack of bills & asking,"When can I expect payment?"

Families are so weird. My brother has not seen my Dad in years. I bought Dad a house as he was homeless after many bad decisions in his life and being an alcoholic. My brother thinks by calling him a couple of times a year he has done his duty. When he does pass I will need to dig further into my pocket. I am stuck paying for his care now that I have put him into a group home because of his dementia. My brother who is totally involved in his religion only calls to try and convert Dad to his religion. Total hypocrite in my estimation. Dad lives in Arizona and we live with In Canada. My dad has managed to get himself into debt even with me buying him a home. In other words there is nothing but debt left. I'm sure brother won't be there to help. But I know him and if there was money to be had his attitude would change. Terrible what people manage to do to each other

I myself had a situation the same way and feel your frustration. Mom saw danger a couple years before her illness and made a Will excluding her children (by name) so there would not be any questions for who was left to RULE EVERYTHING. There was never any help, no calls, or any sort of concern, their loss my GAIN and I don't regret one second what I was called to do.
Every family has dysfunction, Moms family exceeded the definition!
Mom passed but I would do it all over again and I miss her terribly.
God Bless you for everything

Mom2Mom - wow! A huge ditto on B! Huge! As for percentages - the will - 1/3-1/3-1/3. The caregiving for my parents the last six years? 90%-9%-1%. Guess who did the 90% ? Honestly, I'm mostly fine with the even split as it will keep my brothers - and their wives happy and not causing me further trouble down the road. A while back the wife of 1% brother actually had the nerve to use those words "fair share" when stating her expectations regarding my brothers potentially inheritance. If she only had a clue as to what his "fair share" should actually be!

CTTN55, I totally blame my mother for just about everything but I manage to choke down the resentment and care for her best I can.

A) as an enabler, she created the situation where a 53 year old man has never worked and cannot do anything for himself

B) I didn't get it when I was younger but now realize that she instigated the sibling rivalry which has not morphed into hatred. She set us up against each other our whole lives.

C) the last time she planned on rewriting her will her intentions were to change it from an even 25% split to "I'm going to give the two boys the bigger house and give you and John the small one since they need it more". I never helped her pursue changing it so, than heaven, the old will stands.

Yes, we do take a monthly stipend to cover our increased costs (utilities, food) and I do use her money to pay my kids when they stay home and take care of her when we go out. I also use her money for the expensive remodels to make the house handicapped accessible (roll in shower/bathroom remodel when she first moved in and recently, a handicapped ramp for her to get in and out)

Mom2Mom, your mother lives at your house (according to your profile). Does she pay you anything? If you won't be happy splitting everything 25% when you are the only one who takes care of her (who would be?), then why not get your mother to change the inheritance plan now? I feel it's your mother's fault as well as your brothers' that you are being taken advantage of. So many people blame their siblings, but the parent is often the one who condoned the plan that left the caregiving sibling feeling resentful.

I would be perfectly happy if my mother spent her last cent, on her last day and on herself. If there is no inheritance left, so be it. But, I feel it is my moral duty (and my promise to my late father) to protect her money and assets so that they do last the rest of her days.

In the mean time, my money grubbing brothers fell it is their duty to separate Mom from her money now so they can live comfortable lives and not actually work.

Of course, it is too much bother to visit her or pick up a phone and call (other than to demand support)

It is ugly now and is going to be uglier when she's gone. I will adhere to the exact wording of the will (I am personal representative) but I won't be happy about splitting everything 25% each when I am the only one who takes care of her.

M209M209, I hope you at least take the percentage of the estate that Executors can take for doing the work.

When I had my first appointment with the attorney to get probate started on my moms estate I decided to let my brother come with me - mainly so he could hear for himself the timeframe and keep him off my back. The attorney I'm using is about an hour drive - so we went together in my car. On the way my brother asked me if I felt guilty for not letting my mom come to live with me and my family. I swear to God, if I thought I could have jumped free in time - I would have driven him head on into a semi!

Many of us have siblings that are heartless and greedy, thinking of how they can be served and not how they can serve. My brother just recently visited mom in her memory care facility and excused himself to use her bathroom in her apt and stole her wedding ring and other valuables. It's his "mo". He feels entitled. He disgusts me and all we can do is make a police report... again. They are just things but it's the principle of the act. I'm so numb from his and his wife's drunk dials of cussing me out and calling our mom "a (cuss word) 'ing lunatic because she can't remember sh$&!". He's no longer part of my or my family's life. I focus on my mom and the place where she lives knows and has seen his true colors. I'm sorry you or anyone has the same issues. They are vultures and only care about themselves. I find keeping a diary of what occurs is helpful. It's a venting but may help in the future as well.

Ferris- the best part is that of the 7 siblings no one is greatly hurting for money. One sister (with no money problems) told me she wanted "top dollar" for Mom's house and to h*ll with anyone that would interfere with that. Mom's wishes to keep the house in the family (if possible) were known by all but that didn't matter. Greed has split the family and that would have been the last thing Mom would have wanted. Heartbreaking.

Money (or the inheritance of such) brings out the worst and best in people. I dread my MIL's passing (although she is very likely to outlive both her sons.) My BIL was a pill when my FIL died. He swooped in with a huge truck, took everything of value and left a huge mess for me and my hubby to deal with. Never so much as picked up a paintbrush--It has been 12 years and I still kind of think of him as a vulture.

My mother, due to 2 unscrupulous kids, has lost most of her savings and lives with another brother on SS. She has a little savings, and a small life insurance policy---but since 2 sibs cleaned her out years ago, she's just getting by.

It can just be so, so sad. At the time when you should be mourning and grieving, you're angry and shocked at the behavior of family. Just hold your head up and do the best you can. Families are often just ruined by the "mine. mine, mine" attitude that can come along after a death.

Lucysmom, so sorry about your two sons. That really hurts. I too only child and not sure what to think about my daughter sometimes. Long story.

I find this to be typical in my and others families. When siblings ask about assets and inheritance - remind them that mom and dad are not dead yet. Those resources are theirs and they might need them for long term care.

You never know how long someone will live. My mom is 92 and my mother-in-law is 94. If they live to be 100, we most likely will never see an inheritance.