My mother has always been "nutty". She had a terrible childhood, so I decided that was why, and was her champion. I took her abuse, more than my siblings. She is 93 I am 73. She has dementia and now has become violent. She turned on me 7yrs ago.
My sisters and nieces live here with us. She yells screams, acts paranoid calls us vile names. Her behavior has always been this way. But, she has "other" parts of her personality that come, and go over the years. My brothers and sisters are all estranged because of her vile stories and actions.
Our problem now seems to be controlling her. Her doctor is her primary care back woods doctor for 40+ years. She doesn't act nuts in the doctors visits. Until recently showing her repetitive behavior and comments. Our living conditions are complicated since my sisters and I live here with her. I was sick with Covid. My other sister is ill. One sister the healthy one, is doing everything. My mother is accusing her of stealing her money and her credit cards.. meanwhile that sister is writing out the bills and paying off our mother's card debt. Mother was always late payments.
Our home is 75 years old and falling into disrepair. We are widows. My eldest daughter died suddenly while traveling, and I should be mourning instead of fighting with this viciously wicked woman..
My youngest daughter lives in Atlanta. The two nieces are here, working and trying to live their lives.
My mother changed her will 9 times in the last 30 years, she squandered her retirement money over 200,000 dollars. Over 25years leasing cars, buying clothes and living outside her social security income. Now we're all trying to keep it together. The violence and uncontrollable behavior is escalating.
We are all broken. The nieces here were in denial at first, but now see whats happening. Our home has no mortgage. We're wondering if we should get a mortgage do the repairs and pay off all debt and get through "nuttiness". Or sell, put mother in nursing facility and go our separate ways. Or? We all have our thoughts, but traditionally we take care of our elderly at home I cared for my Dad with my Mom he had Alzheimers. He's gone 27yrs already. We want to help her but its so hard with her unreasonable behavior.
If you have read this, what do you think?
The old tradition of taking care of old people within the family no longer works. They live much longer than they did in previous times. This means that elders are taking care of their elders and they’re too sick and/or tired to do it. Now there are professionals who are trained to handle issues such as your mom has. You’ll never be able to do it as well, trust me.
I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. This time needs to be for you to mourn, not to take care of your mom.
If she gets violent you need to call the Police and have them Baker Act her. This will get her the 72hr eval. Then its up to you to determine what you will do. Send her to a Longterm care facility or take her home and care for her.
Who is on the deed to the home? If Mom, you cannot get an equity loan because she is on the deed. You can't remortgage it either. You can't sell it unless you are POA and you have the right.
My choice would be to place Mom and get out on my own. Sell the house as is but it has to be at Market Value. Use it for Moms care. You can apply for Medicaid, the house is exempt. Do as little as possible to it and then sell. (Sometimes a little repair and paint does a lot) This means Medicaid stops, you spend down the proceeds, then Medicaid picks up again.
Maybe you and your sisters and nieces can find a place you can all pitch in and live together.
I am so sorry I don't have an answer for you. I hope someone has some ideas to help you. It might be worth seeing an elder law attorney together for an hour to get options for your state clear in your mind. I sure wish you good luck.