We moved in to take care of mil with dementia after her husband passed away. They had money set aside. There is my husband and 1 brother. We used money to make house livable to accommodate 4 more of us and to purchase a generator. There is a trust fund set up with money. My mil needs 24/7 care. We gave up our home in another part of the state. We still own it but we have renters, that just pay that mortgage. I gave up my job and my husband gave up overtime because I need him here. There is a language barrier and my mil uses about 10% English. My mil makes enough to pay some of the monthly bills, and her meds. She goes to adult daycare and we have very little respite care. My bil says we should pay out of pocket for all her care and taxes on house because we "chose this". We chose this because his family threatened to put her in home if we didn't move in to care for her. His entire family speaks the same language, whereas only my husband speaks the same. They live 1 1/2 hours away. They make twice as much financially then us. She is a stay at home mom. They don't visit her when they come to town and only care about the inheritance. We also have to buy out our 1/2 of the house when she's gone. We can't leave, as this is where my kids go to school now. We had to move here within a month of my fil's death. They go on living their happy go lucky life and are waiting for her to pass, to receive money. They don't even call to check on her. They help us out occasionally when we HAVE to go somewhere, but only when convenient for them. They tell us that they have a family, so can't do much. Although we also have 3 kids like them and around the same ages, except we have one off to college. I've never met anyone so selfish.
Now deduct 80% of the rent/food/utilities/taxes. Since there are 5 people, she should only be picking up 20% of that cost.
I don't know if that leaves you ahead or behind, but that is what seems fair and you might want to put that in a written agreement.
It is wholly legitimate for you to claim back any money spent directly on goods or outside services for her. Her clothing, her day care, her medications: if you weren't there, anything she'd have to buy anyway is wholly and exclusively for her good. That bit is easy, and your BIL is in error imagining that your moving in with her makes you responsible for her bills. It just doesn't.
Where it gets trickier is, for example, in areas such as adaptations made to her home which are not precisely for her benefit. Yes, she might need to set aside space for a caregiver even if it wasn't you, but she wouldn't have had to accommodate four people. That kind of thing you're going to have to negotiate, along with dividing up utilities bills and so on; but as a rule of thumb she pays her share and you pay yours.
As an aside, and having to jump through similar hoops, I have to say I hate all this. It's ridiculous. We live as a family, and yet here I am worrying about who had the prawn sandwich and whether or not shampoo is a household expense or my own personal indulgence… ugh. It is so mercenary and demoralising and trivial I can't tell you. And yet, and yet… in the end it's all about protecting vulnerable adults, and if that's the world we live in then it's a sad state of affairs but it's a society we've all played our part in creating. Nothing to do but shrug and keep jumping.
Another area which isn't clear cut is whether your time is chargeable. I understand that in some states it is against the rules for family caregivers to be paid for their work? You will need to find out what applies in your state, then stick like glue to the guidance. To that extent, only, you and your husband *did* choose this: if you didn't realise how much of your life your MIL would occupy, and it's proving too much to manage, then you might have to think again. There are other good options, and nothing is ever set in stone. Keep weighing up the pros and cons and see what works best for everyone concerned.
The other thing I would counsel, though it's not directly related to reimbursement - no, actually, that's the exact point. Your BIL's smug refusal to share any of this burden is not relevant to how you manage the serious, loving duty of looking after your MIL. He's a twat. Leave it there. It doesn't *matter* how high on the hog he's living. It doesn't matter that he lies on a sun lounger with a Singapore Sling to hand and loftily issues edicts about what you and your husband should be doing. His snide remarks don't make any difference to your choice, and resenting him will just sour your life. Don't resent him. Ignore him.
I think so many of us hastily make the choice of moving into our parent's house without thinking everything through, and that's understandable. With dementia there is no getting better, only getting worse. There might be a time when your mother-in-law becomes verbally abusive and physically combative. I know I wouldn't want your children to have to live through that.... they want to remember Grandma as this sweet, kind, huggable woman.
What is sad is that the whole time you were married you never were able to communicate with your mother-in-law because neither of you knows the other's language.... how about your children, have they been able to pick up the language? If not, that can make caregiving very difficult.
Plus back in June you said your mother-in-law refuses to have outside help. Right there is a red flag. There is no way you and your husband can work three 8-hour shifts seven days a week for the next 5 to 10 years caring for his mother. Maybe brother-in-law understood the situation more than you think, that his mother is at a point where she would need a continuous care facility.
I hope you and the rest of the family can work this out to be a win-win situation for everyone.
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