Was assisted living a mistake?
My Mom moved to assisted living a month ago it appeared everything was fine she was adjusting nicely making friends, participating in activities. Now all of a sudden she hates it, hates the food, hates her tiny room. None of this is true. The place is like a resort everyone is so nice and I've eaten there several times with one meal being better than the next. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her house and she has become so evil with the nasty things she is saying to me I'm making myself physically ill over this. I have tried begging, pleading, reasoning, even crying nothing is working. She has dementia ( although acknowledged by dr's not formally diagnosed) and I'm so afraid she is going to get herself kicked out thinking that will be her ticket to her home. My Mom is VERY stubborn and hard headed when it comes to getting what she wants. She basically manipulates and nags until,she gets her way and she absolutely cannot live alone and I honestly don't know where to go from here. My stress levels are through the roof and I'm beginning to think she truly does hate every ounce of my being. I have been falsely accused of so many horrible things, mainly stealing (which hurts the most) that are so untrue and so painful it's putting me in a deep depression. She has already destroyed a close relationship with my only sibling as a result of her antics. I was thinking of taking her for some tours to some of the less desirable Alf's in the area just to see how truly good she has it I just don't know if that will do any good. I did my homework and visited every place in the area and this one was by far the absolute nicest and cleanest, I wouldn't mind living there myself. It literally looks and feels like a hotel. Have any of you gone through this one month in and how have you dealt with it? She is threatening to call call home health agencies to price what it would cost to have someone come into her home should she move back to give her her meds as I cannot do it four times a day. She is also threatening to call lawyers and her doctor ( we told her her dr said she cant live alone). I guess basically what I'm asking is how have you all dealt with these tantrums and how did you get your parents to see that this is it. There is no other option they absolutely positively cannot go back home and live alone. I'm at wits end. Please help with any suggestions. I honestly don't know what to do at this point I'm so depressed and stressed over this.
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I'm glad your mother is putting her toys back in her pram. Take this opportunity to create a little distance - not to be remote from her, just make a kind of cordon sanitaire so that if things get lively again it'll get dealt with by the ALF first, rather than you. I really hope she feels more and more at home, though - eyes crossed again!
Nothing will change as she won't try - everything has to be handed to her on a silver platter - but I've laid my cards on the table, been open and honest and the NH director and government inspector are very well satisfied. I don't know when I'll visit again, if ever but I expect I'll be getting phone calls from the NH that she's playing up again. No wonder I leave my phone off the hook a lot.
This all to do with the obsession about buying another house and having staff. Firstly the big house she had sucked most all of her pension every month just to keep it. Since then taxes, condo fees, gas and electricity prices have soared so she wouldn't be able to keep it today. Unable to sit up or stand she needs nursing care 24/7 and if she bought a house and furniture (both of which would have to be "Better Homes & Gardens"), which she can't afford, she'd not have a dime left to pay staff.
I had a condo in Toronto overlooking the lake and a great job on Bay Street. I came to Canada with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and I worked hard to get where I was but, as she couldn't manage alone, purely out of duty (she's a nasty piece of work and I've spent a lifetime avoiding her), I gave it all up and lived in her freezing gloomy basement waiting on her 24/7/365 for four h***ish years with no income.
Once she went into the NH I bought a tiny dilapidated cottage which was all I could afford. I have POA, preserve her money and ensure her bills are paid. As the money has been under my control for some years it would have been easy to dig into it and buy myself a nice home, but nope I've done my duty and personally I've lived below the poverty line for a very long time.
My poor father (who passed 15 years ago) busted his chops to give her everything she demanded while she treated him like dirt, but of course it was never good enough. Just before he passed he said to me "Your mother will never be satisfied with anything" and, after 50 years of living with the witch, he was an expert!
Yes, I'll go down there this afternoon and show her paperwork in front of a witness but that's the end of it. I will continue to preserve her money and ensure her bills are paid but I'm not obliged to run her errands or even speak to her. So be it. I've had a lifetime of hell from this woman. If I'm lucky I may have 10 years left and she's not sending me to an early grave.
An adjustment period takes 6-8 weeks. Check with social services and nursing director at the AL and explain concerns she is not adjusting. Maybe they can help her get more involved in activites and meet a "buddy" who might help her adjust.
As far as being blamed for stealing, it would be devaststating. It is common a person with dementia blames others. Sometimes they themselves will hide something and then blame others. If you google stages of Alzheimer's you will see symptoms or actions your mother is doing. One thing I suggest doing is keeping a log of all things she is doing that you think is dementia/ Alzheimer's related. You mother may be further along in her dementia stage than you realize. No stage is concrete as she may be in betweenn some stages. My mother in law has had 3 neuro/psycology evaluations during her process of Alzheimer's. It is a 2-3 hour evaluation done by a psychiatrist or psycologist. Bring your list of dementia syptoms with you if you decide to have the evaluation done. It has been valuable for her care and decision making. My husband was able to know when he needed to use the POA for her after the second evaluation when this evaluation had stated she was incompetent to make decisions or live alone. Hang in there!
I'd love to sort her out once and for all and make her see reality so hopefully she'd try to make a friend or two and join in with some of the activities but I'm probably better to go along with her fantasy. No-one in her life has ever said no to her and if I jolted her into reality then she'd likely be raging against me all over again and her behaviour/attitude wouldn't change.
Msdaisy with respect to the phone calls, I was on the receiving end of daily raging phone calls such that it was making me ill and I changed my number, giving it to the NH with strict instructions not to give it out. I told my mother it had been playing up and as I rarely used it I got rid of it. She's at the stage she believes fibs. Peace at last. Visits still string me out but I visit when I know the following day will be clear so I can recover from it.
It's NOT your job to make your mom happy. Only your mom can do that. you can help her with medications to ease her depression, but it's up to her to make the most of her situation. Thinking you can make her happy or change her life significantly enough at this point with her illnesses and situation is a recipe for depression for YOU. You can only do what you can do. You don't control the world and you can't make your mom young and healthy. You can keep her safe and get her the best medical care available, but happiness, no you can't give that to her.
You and me both, but clinical depression is not improved by your surroundings, only the correct med will do that. Can I say nicely, that calling her several times a day, is not helping either of you? If you are not already depressed, you soon will be. I had to put up boundaries between me and my Mother. I do understand what you are going through.
www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/basics/definition/con-20032977
Often depression is treated with a combination of drug therapy and talk therapy. Do you think that your mother would be able to discuss her situation with a therapist?
How do you make her happy? That is a very kind goal, but realistically all you can do is remove or reduce some of the obstacles to her being happy. Right now the big one is her depression.
Getting her a bigger room probably won't end her depression. Once her depression is under control getting her a larger room (if possible) or taking her on outings or bringing special treats might give her pleasure. But none of them will cure the chemical imbalance that is depression.
then theres the time i stole 700 dollars from her. after we " found " the money she gave it to me for safekeeping.
dementia care will fry your mind. its blatant insanity that your dealing with.
Today, years after my girls have gone through school and are living their own lives, my relationship with mom is in shambles. She stabs me in the back every chance she gets. I just found out from my brother this past weekend that she has been doing this to me for at least 25 years. She has created an entire world of "my daughter is a worthless person who will get my money and blow it" to make herself feel better about being a miser.
I have educated myself about personally disorders, family dysfunction and abuse. There were many light bulb moments for me. Now today, I really don't care where mom goes when she needs care, it just won't be with me. She too will have to go to a nursing home or assisted living.
The sad thing is, we probably never had a real relationship with our mothers at all. It is so hard to wrap my mind around treating a daughter as if she were a worthless stranger. But that is what it is and that is what you seem to have as well.
You need boundaries. I have some and they get greater as each year passes. I am so sorry for your hurt, I know how that feels. It is a lonely sad feeling to come to realize that your own mother is more interested in her drama than in your feelings. I know you love your mother but even that dims with time and the realization that maybe she doesn't love you or your sister the way she should. Maybe she is not capable.
People with personality disorders get worse with age/dementia. So nothing will change but how you deal with her. Arm yourself in knowledge. Take care of yourself.
Let her call whomever she wants. I think that people will realize that she has dementia. I am going to avoid words like "you should," because that doesn't help. In my situation, I had to walk away and let mom depend on the staff.
In my own case, Mother plays a game that I call "You Lose." No matter what the situation was that we tried to help her with, she won and we lost. Dealing with her absolutely caused my sisters early death. What happens if she outlives you?