Was assisted living a mistake?
My Mom moved to assisted living a month ago it appeared everything was fine she was adjusting nicely making friends, participating in activities. Now all of a sudden she hates it, hates the food, hates her tiny room. None of this is true. The place is like a resort everyone is so nice and I've eaten there several times with one meal being better than the next. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her house and she has become so evil with the nasty things she is saying to me I'm making myself physically ill over this. I have tried begging, pleading, reasoning, even crying nothing is working. She has dementia ( although acknowledged by dr's not formally diagnosed) and I'm so afraid she is going to get herself kicked out thinking that will be her ticket to her home. My Mom is VERY stubborn and hard headed when it comes to getting what she wants. She basically manipulates and nags until,she gets her way and she absolutely cannot live alone and I honestly don't know where to go from here. My stress levels are through the roof and I'm beginning to think she truly does hate every ounce of my being. I have been falsely accused of so many horrible things, mainly stealing (which hurts the most) that are so untrue and so painful it's putting me in a deep depression. She has already destroyed a close relationship with my only sibling as a result of her antics. I was thinking of taking her for some tours to some of the less desirable Alf's in the area just to see how truly good she has it I just don't know if that will do any good. I did my homework and visited every place in the area and this one was by far the absolute nicest and cleanest, I wouldn't mind living there myself. It literally looks and feels like a hotel. Have any of you gone through this one month in and how have you dealt with it? She is threatening to call call home health agencies to price what it would cost to have someone come into her home should she move back to give her her meds as I cannot do it four times a day. She is also threatening to call lawyers and her doctor ( we told her her dr said she cant live alone). I guess basically what I'm asking is how have you all dealt with these tantrums and how did you get your parents to see that this is it. There is no other option they absolutely positively cannot go back home and live alone. I'm at wits end. Please help with any suggestions. I honestly don't know what to do at this point I'm so depressed and stressed over this.
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Let her call whomever she wants. I think that people will realize that she has dementia. I am going to avoid words like "you should," because that doesn't help. In my situation, I had to walk away and let mom depend on the staff.
In my own case, Mother plays a game that I call "You Lose." No matter what the situation was that we tried to help her with, she won and we lost. Dealing with her absolutely caused my sisters early death. What happens if she outlives you?
MsDaisy, this isn't anything YOU'RE doing, this is your mom and who she is. I understand totally. You are the whipping post for all of life's wrongs and miseries. It sucks, but that's it. There's really nothing you can DO except endure...and get her on some meds, like yesterday. They helped my mom chill. They'll help yours, too.
Today, years after my girls have gone through school and are living their own lives, my relationship with mom is in shambles. She stabs me in the back every chance she gets. I just found out from my brother this past weekend that she has been doing this to me for at least 25 years. She has created an entire world of "my daughter is a worthless person who will get my money and blow it" to make herself feel better about being a miser.
I have educated myself about personally disorders, family dysfunction and abuse. There were many light bulb moments for me. Now today, I really don't care where mom goes when she needs care, it just won't be with me. She too will have to go to a nursing home or assisted living.
The sad thing is, we probably never had a real relationship with our mothers at all. It is so hard to wrap my mind around treating a daughter as if she were a worthless stranger. But that is what it is and that is what you seem to have as well.
You need boundaries. I have some and they get greater as each year passes. I am so sorry for your hurt, I know how that feels. It is a lonely sad feeling to come to realize that your own mother is more interested in her drama than in your feelings. I know you love your mother but even that dims with time and the realization that maybe she doesn't love you or your sister the way she should. Maybe she is not capable.
People with personality disorders get worse with age/dementia. So nothing will change but how you deal with her. Arm yourself in knowledge. Take care of yourself.
You and me both, but clinical depression is not improved by your surroundings, only the correct med will do that. Can I say nicely, that calling her several times a day, is not helping either of you? If you are not already depressed, you soon will be. I had to put up boundaries between me and my Mother. I do understand what you are going through.
It's NOT your job to make your mom happy. Only your mom can do that. you can help her with medications to ease her depression, but it's up to her to make the most of her situation. Thinking you can make her happy or change her life significantly enough at this point with her illnesses and situation is a recipe for depression for YOU. You can only do what you can do. You don't control the world and you can't make your mom young and healthy. You can keep her safe and get her the best medical care available, but happiness, no you can't give that to her.
I'd love to sort her out once and for all and make her see reality so hopefully she'd try to make a friend or two and join in with some of the activities but I'm probably better to go along with her fantasy. No-one in her life has ever said no to her and if I jolted her into reality then she'd likely be raging against me all over again and her behaviour/attitude wouldn't change.
Msdaisy with respect to the phone calls, I was on the receiving end of daily raging phone calls such that it was making me ill and I changed my number, giving it to the NH with strict instructions not to give it out. I told my mother it had been playing up and as I rarely used it I got rid of it. She's at the stage she believes fibs. Peace at last. Visits still string me out but I visit when I know the following day will be clear so I can recover from it.
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