My 85 yr old mom lives alone in a small apartment. Over the past several years she does nothing but sit on the sofa watching TV. She refuses to make friends or socialize. I have noticed in the past years her hygiene is not good- not bathing, hair unwashed. She gets weaker by the day because she does not walk much or do anything at all, so it’s even hard for her to use her walker. She is extremely manipulative and stubborn. She fell the other night (we have a Life Alert system for her to wear around her neck, but she won’t wear it) and was on the floor until her grandson found her the next day. She had been there for over 12 hours. She crawled to the door and opened it for him, but did not try to reach the Life Alert because she said she just wanted to lay there and die. She has refused to let us come over for weeks and has cancelled dates with me, my brother and her 3 grandsons for various reasons. When she was found, she had 4 bags of garbage on the kitchen floor crawling with maggots and flies everywhere. She told my som not to tell anyone. I will spare you all the disgusting details, but the apartment was so filthy that the health department or social services would have condemned it as unhealthy and toxic.
She is currently in the hospital for evaluation and seems fine. When she said “you have no idea what I’ve been through”, I confronted her with the condition of her apartment and asked her how she could live like that??? She was always a clean person and kept a tidy house. We have tried for two years to get her to agree to a weekly cleaning service and she refuses, saying her place never gets very dirty. Every dish, every utensil was covered in dried food and piled all over the kitchen. She said that it was a little messy and it wasn’t a big deal.
She has lies to all of the doctors and nurse and because of Covid no one can go into the hospital to speak with her doctors. I have tried calling but each time I get a different nurse and never a doctor.
I don’t think that she can continue to live on her own. For the sake of my sanity and my marriage she cannot live with us.
She has no money and we cannot afford to pay for her care. She is 85 but in the shape of someone 100 and has the mental capacity and judgment of a toddler. She does not seem to have dementia and I do have a medical power of attorney and I am the agent.
She will hate me if I decide she needs to live in an assisted care environment, but she won’t do anything I say or suggest and expects everyone around her to deal with her bad choices. I am 65 and cannot physically or mentally deal with her manipulative ways (lying) and lack of thought to her actions or inactions any longer.
She has not made good life choices her entire life and I refuse to let her drag me down with her.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I am usually a take charge problem-solving, proactive person but I am just at my wits’ end this time.
I know it's easier said than done, but just breathe and take it day by day. You're doing an amazing job by caring and reaching out for help.
She has dementia.
She is in a hospital. You call the discharge planning unit and tell them about the condition of her apartment. You ask them to have her seen by psychiatry and assessed for her ability to live alone.
You make sure to tell them that family will not be providing more than casual support (she may be telling them that someone lives with her or that one of you comes every day).
You tell them that allowing her to go home would be an "unsafe discharge". Use those words.
You do NOT agree to discharge and you sign NO papers.. if they send her home in a cab, call Adult Protective Services.
People who are competent are allowed to make their own bad choices. That does not obligate us to crawl into a hole with them.
If you can go down this track, you won’t be ‘at your wit’s end’. Stop worrying, and good luck!
"She can not be discharged to her home". "It is unsafe for her to return home." "She has no one at home that can care for her" "I can not care for her in my home"
Ask to talk with the Social Worker today and discuss with them what the options are. Good possibility is that she will be sent to Rehab for a time and determination will be made by PY, OT and her doctor if she can be discharged to her home.
IF she is discharged to her home expect a repeat of the above.
If they do not find that she can be discharged to home you will begin the process of
Seeing an Elder Care Attorney (are you POA? if not if she is diagnosed with dementia you will have to obtain Guardianship. Or refuse and let another member of the family or the Court will appoint a Guardian)
Application for Medicaid.
Filthy condo.
Unwashed.
”Lying”.
It was all dementia.
She “seemed” fine, but her living conditions and personal care told us otherwise.
The “lies”, in my mother’s case, were just words. Sometimes they were to cover herself with an “answer”. But, the answers weren’t logical.
Her life was no longer safe.
It was dementia.
Take Barb’s and Grandma’s advice.
Step by step.
It can feel overwhelming, but you can help your mother to be safe, as well as keeping your own sanity.
Keep coming back here. You’ll see your story, in one way or another, repeated.
Best wishes.
One of the most challenging things now will be to look at her with different eyes. She is not intentionally manipulating you, she has dementia. She's not stubborn just to annoy you, she has dementia. Her brain is broken and can't be repaired. To treat her otherwise would be like insisting someone with an amputated leg should be able to walk as if they have 2. The leg is gone and isn't coming back any time soon. In fact, the other leg is slowly disappearing.
I learned a lot about dementia behaviors and how to interact with LOs from watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. They were very helpful. Wishing you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this in your mom's behalf.
You do not want to get the State involved if you don't have to. A guardian will be appointed and that person will make the decisions for Mom. You have POA make sure the hospital and the rehab have a copy for their files. If she gets evaluated and its found there is Dementia and she needs 24/7 care, then you decide to place her in MC, with her paying privately or LTC with Medicaid paying. Do not allow the facility to be in total control of the Medicaid application. They can help but you should understand the process and be on top of things.
A while back a poster was getting bills from the same NH that was suppose to be doing the Medicaid application that was started something like 6 months before. I explained that in my State you have 90 days from applying to spend down assets, get the caseworker info required and have a place set up. If these things are not done in that 90days, you start all over. The NH failed to follow thru with the application.
PLEASE copy all previous steps described here, for HER SAKE and FOR YOURS, FOLLOW THEM.
Her problems, and your difficulty dealing with them, ARE NOT UNIQUE. Many of us have found solutions to problems like yours. The solutions are not often too happy, but you can design a safe life for her and she can be taken care of.
Her brain is broken, and she needs ongoing safety and protection.
Do NOT attempt to discuss this or to reason with her. She can no longer benefit in anyway from explaining.
It is OK if she hates you when she is placed in a safe residential environment. Nothing she “expects” is meaningful, because her brain cannot “expect”, and that cannot be fixed.
Move forward based on the advice you have received here, because those who have offered the advice have LIVED THIS.
"She will hate me if I decide she needs to live in an assisted care environment". Yes, she will. But she will hate you no matter what you do. You can't win. She's better off being hateful in a facility than in her apartment!
There is no decision to be made. You know she cannot keep living in the apartment. She cannot live alone and she cannot live with you. That leaves a facility as the only route. There is no "I don't think" she can live alone.
Sounds like whatever emotional issues she had got amped up x10 with dementia, which is common. Placement will ensure she is safe, not living in filth, and getting the medical care she needs.
While she's in the hospital ask to speak to one of their social workers. Tell them what the apartment was like and that she cannot live independently anymore. Also, make sure to tell that that you will not and cannot have her at your house because you are unable to provide the care she needs. This is important because they will try to talk you into taking her in and will promise all kinds of help. They never deliver on it though. The hospital will find her nursing home placement.
Your mother has good reason to fear that she'll be taken out of her home. I've known more than a few seniors who were put into nursing homes even when they had adequate care at home. Sometimes it was an over-zealous visiting nurse or social worker who thought they were Mother Teresa. Or their adult kids were not in agreement on the family care plan. Some would want the parent in homecare, some would want them in a facility care.
Never accept anything from the state for a senior still living in their home. No matter how many times some state program claims to be "free", trust me it never is if the senior has a house, or some other valuable asset. They become very invasive in an elder's home and life. Also, in the life of their family.
I worked for a lot of folks who had LifeAlert and used it. That company doesn't report any seniors to APS. The paramedics or police who respond don't either. The cops always try to talk to family first when they respond to a LifeAlert call. They told me this.
If the senior goes to the ER it will be a hospital social worker who tells APS. They also don't have to tell the family when they do either. So, your mom still has enough mentally to have this fear. Maybe she could do just fine with homecare help?
When the situation in the home gets to the point where the elder stops washing up and is living in filth and squalor, they need to go to a care facility.
She was lonely, so we played on that and have moved her in with us. She’s been with us a week so far and, so far so good (except tonight she had another “episode” and got very upset, saying she’d never seen me before in her life and when was I going to leave “her” house - oh dear…)
With covid running rampant in the nursing homes, we knew that was not an option. This isn’t for forever, but this is the best we can do right now. We are currently paying for care out of pocked for 6 hours a week, and are working on getting more. Right now she demands SO much of my time and attention - I have a 5 and 7 yr old at home, so she cannot be my focus all the time. This week has made it very clear to me that she needs more care. Due to covid, it will be in our house until her “episodes” can no longer be managed.
I totally get that you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You’re feeling guilty, but in the end, someone has to make the hard decisions.
You say that MIL demands so much of your time and attention. I hope your H takes over when he is around.
What's the plan for when her "episodes" can no longer be managed?
Look into Medicaid so if and when a bigger incident happens moving her into a facility can happen smoothly. Good luck. Reading others posts a lot of people have similar stories.
I cannot get a neuro-psychologist to examine her because she deflects and lies to the doctors and rehab/counseling has been useless as she lies and plays the victim. And usual since I was a child, she narcissistically smears (character assassinates me-always) even though I evaluated over 409 people (K-adults) with learning and behavior issues as a past Pre-Doc student In Education Psychology. Recent as two weeks ago, I’ve blocked her (abusive texts/msgs/rumor mill lies). I’m having to walk away and telling my daughters to prepare to leave. No one is going to continue to stay or rent from her and the nastiness and nasty abusive behaviors.
My best advice is to keep pushing for a neuro-psychology evaluation. Until that is done, there’s nothing legally we can do to prove she is unfit to care for herself and a danger to herself or others. Once and if serious cognitive decline is found, then care options through Medicare through your Mom’s “local county aging services” should tell you EXACTLY what options are available through Medicare. I’m a 100% disabled veteran from the Gulf War era with Lupus/autoimmune issues and I cannot and will NOT take care of her. We have to wait until she completely falls! “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” is helping me cope with this and many others take it too. I pray and hope for the best for your Mom and for your family!
Will she hate you if you try and find placement for her? Yes. I am a hated daughter, and there are probably thousands, maybe billions of hated daughters out there! You will not be alone! By making those decisions you are trying to keep your mother safe. Don’t argue with your mother or try and convince her that she will be better off. Just tell her “this isn’t working.” Tell her you can’t support her plan to go back home. She might say she doesn’t “need you anyway” but just don’t respond.
You say she doesn’t have dementia but her bad choices and failure to recognize her need for help is pointing in that direction. She could be great at covering things up. My own mother kept everyone at bay so that no one could see how bad things really were.
Start researching services for her and find out what needs to be done for Medicaid. In some states there are assisted living Medicaid Waivers but they have restrictions.
If she gets sent back home, call Adult Protective Services. Whatever you do, do not agree to take her home with you and do not agree to pay for services. That will be slow suicide and a path to divorce. Get some counseling to help deal with past and present trauma. Good luck! You are being a good daughter for trying to get your mother the help she needs despite her behavior. Remember that.
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She sounds like my mother, (passive aggressive, )complains but does nothing to make her life worth anything. She does want others to care for her because she is just making no choice ( which is a choice)
You do what is best for her, best for you.
Best wishes.
You said she doesn't have dementia so she is capable of living alone.
If she doesn't have money she can't afford a cleaning person.
You can buy paper plates for her to use to not have so many dirty dishes
You can invite her out to lunch, ect and if she doesn't want to go that's her choice.
Lother of people watch tv as what else does she have to do.
You might bring over a large print puzzle or a large print paint by number for both of ya'll to do.
play her favorite music.
Have a couple people over for a Bingo or card Game.
A Nursing Home is the Worst place you could put her and they are all understaffed.
There are many falls in Nursing Homes and they keep you too doped up.
As far as not bathing enough, she can't get that dirty watching TV and bathing or Showering once or twice a week is plenty.
Buy her frozen dinners to eat and she want very many dirty dishes.
She may not actually be lying but just not living in reality since she was a neat person this reality may be hard to accept. Sounds like therapy may be needed.
Is it possible to hold a family meeting?? Mom may be eligible for a temporary placement, due to her mental state (depression) and physical condition
When she is well enough to return home, conditions should be set and met.
I am for....one more try. Best wishes.
Voice your concers to the medical staff, and ask to speak to the hospital social worker. Explain the situation to him/her and see if they are willing and/or able to help.
If not, while she is in the hospital, report the apartment to the landlord. Have them make a decision about terminating the lease or giving her a deadline for cleaning up the apartment. This will be her responsibility, not yours. Of she needs your help, she will have to ask for it. Then when/if you go in to help her clean, she won't be able to be angry at you, since she asked for the help.
As soon as you report her living conditions to her landlord, also contact adult protective services with your concerns. They can meet with you and inspect the living conditions. If things are as bad as you say, they may offer her the choice of being a ward of the state, or allowing her to give you full Power of Attorney, which would give you the ability to arrange placement and manage her finances.
From what I have read, it sounds like she is no longer capable of providing her own care. I disagree with another commenter, she does not need one more chance. She needs physical and emotional support, and a safe living environment.
State that when asked why she didn't try to get help after falling she told family she wanted to lay on the floor and die.
Then briefly list what has happened that supports her inability to appropriately care for herself, starting with being unable mentally to get emergency care when she fell and lay on the floor for 12 hours even when there was a emergency alert device she refuses to use.
If you have photos of her unclean apartment include 1 or 2. List short descriptions of what you found, 4 bags of maggot cover garbage, all dishes and silverware caked with food.
Unable to bathe and maintain her healthy hygiene and refusing assistance.
Ask for her to be assessed for the appropriate level of care. Ask the hospital to begin the application for Medicare and/or Medicare. Ask them to begin the process for placement in that level of care.
At this point your mother is going to hate everyone, but you are doing the right thing.