My 85 yr old mom lives alone in a small apartment. Over the past several years she does nothing but sit on the sofa watching TV. She refuses to make friends or socialize. I have noticed in the past years her hygiene is not good- not bathing, hair unwashed. She gets weaker by the day because she does not walk much or do anything at all, so it’s even hard for her to use her walker. She is extremely manipulative and stubborn. She fell the other night (we have a Life Alert system for her to wear around her neck, but she won’t wear it) and was on the floor until her grandson found her the next day. She had been there for over 12 hours. She crawled to the door and opened it for him, but did not try to reach the Life Alert because she said she just wanted to lay there and die. She has refused to let us come over for weeks and has cancelled dates with me, my brother and her 3 grandsons for various reasons. When she was found, she had 4 bags of garbage on the kitchen floor crawling with maggots and flies everywhere. She told my som not to tell anyone. I will spare you all the disgusting details, but the apartment was so filthy that the health department or social services would have condemned it as unhealthy and toxic.
She is currently in the hospital for evaluation and seems fine. When she said “you have no idea what I’ve been through”, I confronted her with the condition of her apartment and asked her how she could live like that??? She was always a clean person and kept a tidy house. We have tried for two years to get her to agree to a weekly cleaning service and she refuses, saying her place never gets very dirty. Every dish, every utensil was covered in dried food and piled all over the kitchen. She said that it was a little messy and it wasn’t a big deal.
She has lies to all of the doctors and nurse and because of Covid no one can go into the hospital to speak with her doctors. I have tried calling but each time I get a different nurse and never a doctor.
I don’t think that she can continue to live on her own. For the sake of my sanity and my marriage she cannot live with us.
She has no money and we cannot afford to pay for her care. She is 85 but in the shape of someone 100 and has the mental capacity and judgment of a toddler. She does not seem to have dementia and I do have a medical power of attorney and I am the agent.
She will hate me if I decide she needs to live in an assisted care environment, but she won’t do anything I say or suggest and expects everyone around her to deal with her bad choices. I am 65 and cannot physically or mentally deal with her manipulative ways (lying) and lack of thought to her actions or inactions any longer.
She has not made good life choices her entire life and I refuse to let her drag me down with her.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I am usually a take charge problem-solving, proactive person but I am just at my wits’ end this time.
Mom would not keep things cleaned up and she wold not let hired help clean up.
I did not expect a perfectly clean home but just some general cleanliness. She insisted on keeping partially eaten food and dirty paper plates and plastic utensils.
she ended up with bacterial pneumonia. Also to make things even more worse she had a MASSIVE bed bug infestation. Had to bring her to my house with just the clothes on her back while my brothers and exterminator cleaned out the house. Exterminator said one of worst infestation he seen.
whatever you think you might want to do start planning now. Get out the trust and POA and see what they say. Start getting letters from the doctor confirming incapacity. My moms trust had a weird clause. Incapacity is to be determined by a committee of 2 doctors and a priest. Well we never went to church once so don’t know where that came from. The doctors really did not want to give that letter and it was an uphill battle. To make it worse she had become bedridden so how on earth was I going to get her to a doctor when she can’t walk or stand.
I even had to get a lawyer to fix some of the stupid stuff my parents did. What a mess. I’m surprised they didn’t have to lock me in an institute.
good luck.
Wishing you good luck on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
Please realize that your mother is very ill and needs help. You are in the perfect position as her POA with her in the hospital now. Do not allow them to release her but insist she be placed in long term care by the social worker at the hospital. You'll get help applying for Medicaid on her behalf.
She is not safe to live alone, or equipped to handle life on her own.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
The reason I am asking is because I found my mom living in a similar situation. I finally had to take charge of the situation immediately. It was not easy, but my mother was no longer able to care for herself at all. Once I got her out of the condominium and took her to doctors describing how I found her she was diagnosed with dementia. After 3 years, my mom is at the severe stage per the neurologist. So, you might think your mom does not have dementia / Alzheimer but what you're describing is the classic symptoms and behavior of it. You should be thankful you have the power attorney on her because at this point it would be very difficult to get her to agree to it. It hard to put them in a facility but she will be safer and cared for much better than being alone.
This sounds bad, but sometimes people have to face their own consequences.
We had a situation in 2020 that involved both the ILs getting sick and them attempting to guilt the whole family into providing 24/7 including us. No, that's not how it works.
24/7 home health is atrociously expensive. Like $170K/year for two people, which is the bare minimum.