My 85 yr old mom lives alone in a small apartment. Over the past several years she does nothing but sit on the sofa watching TV. She refuses to make friends or socialize. I have noticed in the past years her hygiene is not good- not bathing, hair unwashed. She gets weaker by the day because she does not walk much or do anything at all, so it’s even hard for her to use her walker. She is extremely manipulative and stubborn. She fell the other night (we have a Life Alert system for her to wear around her neck, but she won’t wear it) and was on the floor until her grandson found her the next day. She had been there for over 12 hours. She crawled to the door and opened it for him, but did not try to reach the Life Alert because she said she just wanted to lay there and die. She has refused to let us come over for weeks and has cancelled dates with me, my brother and her 3 grandsons for various reasons. When she was found, she had 4 bags of garbage on the kitchen floor crawling with maggots and flies everywhere. She told my som not to tell anyone. I will spare you all the disgusting details, but the apartment was so filthy that the health department or social services would have condemned it as unhealthy and toxic.
She is currently in the hospital for evaluation and seems fine. When she said “you have no idea what I’ve been through”, I confronted her with the condition of her apartment and asked her how she could live like that??? She was always a clean person and kept a tidy house. We have tried for two years to get her to agree to a weekly cleaning service and she refuses, saying her place never gets very dirty. Every dish, every utensil was covered in dried food and piled all over the kitchen. She said that it was a little messy and it wasn’t a big deal.
She has lies to all of the doctors and nurse and because of Covid no one can go into the hospital to speak with her doctors. I have tried calling but each time I get a different nurse and never a doctor.
I don’t think that she can continue to live on her own. For the sake of my sanity and my marriage she cannot live with us.
She has no money and we cannot afford to pay for her care. She is 85 but in the shape of someone 100 and has the mental capacity and judgment of a toddler. She does not seem to have dementia and I do have a medical power of attorney and I am the agent.
She will hate me if I decide she needs to live in an assisted care environment, but she won’t do anything I say or suggest and expects everyone around her to deal with her bad choices. I am 65 and cannot physically or mentally deal with her manipulative ways (lying) and lack of thought to her actions or inactions any longer.
She has not made good life choices her entire life and I refuse to let her drag me down with her.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I am usually a take charge problem-solving, proactive person but I am just at my wits’ end this time.
This sounds bad, but sometimes people have to face their own consequences.
We had a situation in 2020 that involved both the ILs getting sick and them attempting to guilt the whole family into providing 24/7 including us. No, that's not how it works.
24/7 home health is atrociously expensive. Like $170K/year for two people, which is the bare minimum.
The reason I am asking is because I found my mom living in a similar situation. I finally had to take charge of the situation immediately. It was not easy, but my mother was no longer able to care for herself at all. Once I got her out of the condominium and took her to doctors describing how I found her she was diagnosed with dementia. After 3 years, my mom is at the severe stage per the neurologist. So, you might think your mom does not have dementia / Alzheimer but what you're describing is the classic symptoms and behavior of it. You should be thankful you have the power attorney on her because at this point it would be very difficult to get her to agree to it. It hard to put them in a facility but she will be safer and cared for much better than being alone.
Please realize that your mother is very ill and needs help. You are in the perfect position as her POA with her in the hospital now. Do not allow them to release her but insist she be placed in long term care by the social worker at the hospital. You'll get help applying for Medicaid on her behalf.
She is not safe to live alone, or equipped to handle life on her own.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Wishing you good luck on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
Mom would not keep things cleaned up and she wold not let hired help clean up.
I did not expect a perfectly clean home but just some general cleanliness. She insisted on keeping partially eaten food and dirty paper plates and plastic utensils.
she ended up with bacterial pneumonia. Also to make things even more worse she had a MASSIVE bed bug infestation. Had to bring her to my house with just the clothes on her back while my brothers and exterminator cleaned out the house. Exterminator said one of worst infestation he seen.
whatever you think you might want to do start planning now. Get out the trust and POA and see what they say. Start getting letters from the doctor confirming incapacity. My moms trust had a weird clause. Incapacity is to be determined by a committee of 2 doctors and a priest. Well we never went to church once so don’t know where that came from. The doctors really did not want to give that letter and it was an uphill battle. To make it worse she had become bedridden so how on earth was I going to get her to a doctor when she can’t walk or stand.
I even had to get a lawyer to fix some of the stupid stuff my parents did. What a mess. I’m surprised they didn’t have to lock me in an institute.
good luck.
State that when asked why she didn't try to get help after falling she told family she wanted to lay on the floor and die.
Then briefly list what has happened that supports her inability to appropriately care for herself, starting with being unable mentally to get emergency care when she fell and lay on the floor for 12 hours even when there was a emergency alert device she refuses to use.
If you have photos of her unclean apartment include 1 or 2. List short descriptions of what you found, 4 bags of maggot cover garbage, all dishes and silverware caked with food.
Unable to bathe and maintain her healthy hygiene and refusing assistance.
Ask for her to be assessed for the appropriate level of care. Ask the hospital to begin the application for Medicare and/or Medicare. Ask them to begin the process for placement in that level of care.
At this point your mother is going to hate everyone, but you are doing the right thing.
Voice your concers to the medical staff, and ask to speak to the hospital social worker. Explain the situation to him/her and see if they are willing and/or able to help.
If not, while she is in the hospital, report the apartment to the landlord. Have them make a decision about terminating the lease or giving her a deadline for cleaning up the apartment. This will be her responsibility, not yours. Of she needs your help, she will have to ask for it. Then when/if you go in to help her clean, she won't be able to be angry at you, since she asked for the help.
As soon as you report her living conditions to her landlord, also contact adult protective services with your concerns. They can meet with you and inspect the living conditions. If things are as bad as you say, they may offer her the choice of being a ward of the state, or allowing her to give you full Power of Attorney, which would give you the ability to arrange placement and manage her finances.
From what I have read, it sounds like she is no longer capable of providing her own care. I disagree with another commenter, she does not need one more chance. She needs physical and emotional support, and a safe living environment.
She may not actually be lying but just not living in reality since she was a neat person this reality may be hard to accept. Sounds like therapy may be needed.
Is it possible to hold a family meeting?? Mom may be eligible for a temporary placement, due to her mental state (depression) and physical condition
When she is well enough to return home, conditions should be set and met.
I am for....one more try. Best wishes.
You said she doesn't have dementia so she is capable of living alone.
If she doesn't have money she can't afford a cleaning person.
You can buy paper plates for her to use to not have so many dirty dishes
You can invite her out to lunch, ect and if she doesn't want to go that's her choice.
Lother of people watch tv as what else does she have to do.
You might bring over a large print puzzle or a large print paint by number for both of ya'll to do.
play her favorite music.
Have a couple people over for a Bingo or card Game.
A Nursing Home is the Worst place you could put her and they are all understaffed.
There are many falls in Nursing Homes and they keep you too doped up.
As far as not bathing enough, she can't get that dirty watching TV and bathing or Showering once or twice a week is plenty.
Buy her frozen dinners to eat and she want very many dirty dishes.
She sounds like my mother, (passive aggressive, )complains but does nothing to make her life worth anything. She does want others to care for her because she is just making no choice ( which is a choice)
You do what is best for her, best for you.
Best wishes.
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Will she hate you if you try and find placement for her? Yes. I am a hated daughter, and there are probably thousands, maybe billions of hated daughters out there! You will not be alone! By making those decisions you are trying to keep your mother safe. Don’t argue with your mother or try and convince her that she will be better off. Just tell her “this isn’t working.” Tell her you can’t support her plan to go back home. She might say she doesn’t “need you anyway” but just don’t respond.
You say she doesn’t have dementia but her bad choices and failure to recognize her need for help is pointing in that direction. She could be great at covering things up. My own mother kept everyone at bay so that no one could see how bad things really were.
Start researching services for her and find out what needs to be done for Medicaid. In some states there are assisted living Medicaid Waivers but they have restrictions.
If she gets sent back home, call Adult Protective Services. Whatever you do, do not agree to take her home with you and do not agree to pay for services. That will be slow suicide and a path to divorce. Get some counseling to help deal with past and present trauma. Good luck! You are being a good daughter for trying to get your mother the help she needs despite her behavior. Remember that.