Should my aunt have a say in decisions when she wanted no part in the caregiving?
My grandma passed away in December and we're supposed to have an unavailing between May and July. We haven't gone for a headstone yet because my aunt wants to have a say in what goes on the headstone. We were just going to have the same writing that is on my grandfather's stone. She's insisting that she be apart of the decision, meanwhile she wasn't even around when my grandma was on the decline. She chose going to Florida and going on a cruise rather than being with her mother in her final weeks. She even got mad at us for postponing the funeral as we awaited for her to make it up from Florida and her son come in with his family from California. She wasn't answering our calls and she was only talking to my uncle's wife who hardly had any details herself, then held onto them as an I know something you don't know type of deal. My mom and my other aunt already know that their sister and her husband aren't going to contribute any money to the stone, so why should we have to wait for her?
I want to go take care of the stone because I know this is not what my grandmother would have wanted. I already know there is conflict because my mom and aunt agree that the stone shouldn't say Great Grandmother because my grandma NEVER saw her Great Grandchildren.... My cousins always made excuses and my aunt never put her foot down to them trying to make them do the right thing. It's even only saying Grandma just because I was the only grandchild who cared about her.
Anybody have advice or have a similar situation that they could shed light on? I feel obligated to do right by my grandmother, and to me that's doing how it's always been... All decisions made by my aunt, mother and myself. My aunt and mother's older siblings wanted little to nothing to do with my grandmother while she was alive, why do they feel obligated to have a say in decisions surrounding her stone, and unavailing?
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Mom emailed Aunt and Uncle about Grandma's stone, with a picture of Grandpa's stone telling them that due to cost, we we're going with a smaller stone but pretty much everything that was on grandpa's stone will be on Grandma's. Aunt and Uncle were given until April 1st to respond with their input and if they were going to share the cost. If neither answers by April 1st, April 5th (Mom is having medical procedure on April 2nd, and Aunt I live with cannot handle the situation of Grandma's stone) we move forward with Grandma's stone being completed.
If you are fortunate enough to be able to absorb the expense, take the high road, take care of the problem and leave the cackling losers behind.
If her headstone is going to acknowledge her as a wife, mother and grandmother, then it ought also to acknowledge her as a great-grandmother. She was one. She is entitled to have that status recognised as part of her memorial.
This is more important than either letting your aunt have her say or, on the other hand, putting her in her place and punishing her for her lack of filial duty. If you can prevent it, do not allow animosity among her descendants to deprive your grandmother of her due.
So, I understand where you're coming from about your aunt and her kids never really being there or visiting your grandmother. I understand where you can honestly say that you are the only grandchild to care for her.
I just wished your mom just not give your aunt a deadline. But I understand that she's trying to be neutral. Yes, I understand that cruises are fully paid and she may not get her money back so that she can attend her mother's funeral. (Just like my siblings tell me that they have no money to help out - to pay for someone to caregive a few hours a week to relieve me - but these same siblings can travel several times a year and stay at hotels, eat out in restaurants,etc...)
Too bad we're not mean or hardhearted like them. If I was, I would put on grandma's tomb that she was a great grandmother who never met her great grands. sigh... I really need to stop reading these vampire books. I find that when i read it, I tend to be so blunt and hardhearted... Well, please let us know how it turns out. I'm so curious if and how your aunty will respond. My condolence on your grandmother. {Hugs}
My aunt wanted to have a say in everything with the headstone but she has not returned any phone calls and neither has my uncle, it's been 10 days since my mom emailed both my aunt and uncle and 3 days since her 2nd email and there hasn't been a reply or phone call..they've let my mother's phone calls go to voice mail as well. My grandma's sister (She's 87) is absolutely horrified at the behavior of all my aunts and uncles and cousins. She has called my aunt and uncle and gave them a what for and still there has been nothing from anybody. We are slowly being left with no choice but to move forward.
I really didn't ask for people to jump down my throat about it, I just wanted to know what others have done in dealing with similar situations.
The woman from the headstone company contacted me this afternoon and said she will gladly send my aunt and uncle letters stating that they have been contacted and what the plans were and how much it's going to cost and will contact us if either of them contacts her. She admitted that she has seen worse.
As for stating that I was the only grandchild who cared about her, she said "What did I do to my grandchildren that they don't love me? They don't call me, they don't send me pictures. They don't visit me. What did I do?" I gave her a big hug and told her I love her and even if we didn't live in the same house nothing would have changed our relationship."
I consider myself very lucky to have spent as much time as I did with her and at times it was very frustrating when help was needed and not one family member stepped up, but to each their own at this point right?
Good luck.
Still no word from Aunt and Uncle, and their spouses haven't contacted us either. We'll have to see what happens with them being contacted by the monument place.
Hopefully I will have good news soon.
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