Helping my aunt who is subject of financial abuse. Why is she mad at me?

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Helping my aunt who is subject of financial abuse. Why is she mad at me?

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My aunt, in her 90's has a longtime friend and caregiver, "Kathy". She went into a nursing home 2 months ago. She began to tell me that Kathy had changed the locks on the house and would not give her key, that she was "taking all her things and spending all the money." Alarmed I went to visit. (Mind you she has not had any cognitive problems or dementia so I believed her.) I got the key to the house from Kathy and discovered the items my aunt had requested were gone: the TV and her jewelry. I found bank statements in the mailbox and Kathy is robbing her blind, clearly spending aunt's money on personal bills. And she had my aunt declared incompetent plus has power of attorney over her, so she's at her mercy.

I reported this to the police and adult protective services. They responded (!!) and are investigating. But my aunt is now saying it's all fine! I think she is mad at me for blowing the whistle.
Turns out Kathy isn't paying the nursing home bill so the home is filing in probate for a court appointed guardian. My aunt will be kicked out and most likely go to a very bad nursing home.
The ironic thing is that my aunt is not happy with me, the nursing home people think I'm a family member trying to take control and get the $$ and Kathy is telling my aunt bad things about me (which is kind of how she operates). I blew the whistle; now I'm the bad guy.

I just hope there is a good outcome. I don't think my aunt will ever recognize that Kathy has done anything wrong; sort of like someone abused identifying with and protecting the abuser.

Any thoughts?

Elder Abuse

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Now you can identify with Jim Cantore, the weatherman. When he arrived in Virginia Beach just prior to a Hurricane, my sister called him "The Angel of Death". In Shakespearean times this was known as "Shooting the Messenger". It does not change the outcome.

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If you aunt is in fact competent you can call an Elder Law Attorney and help your aunt rescind the POA for Kathy. If your aunt is if sound mind she does not need a guardian only a responsible POA. A Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) can help her. The nursing home can not evict your aunt. I work for a company that acts as POA and as a Guardian. A new Durable POA with a professional POA will serve the same purpose as a guardian if your aunt is competent and it does not take away your aunts ability to make decisions. So often in cases of abuse a guardian is appointed but when clients are able to decide I prefer them to have the ability to influence the outcome for themselves. A good guardian or POA includes the client in the process if they are able to be included. I will say prayers that you find the correct support. If you were local to me or in PA I could offer more specific resources. Your best bet is to start with a Certified Elder Law attorney.

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Sir Humphrey Appleby, the archetypal civil servant, points out that what outrages the public is not that abuses take place, it's being told about them. It's like the builder who discovers dry rot, the "friend" who identifies the honey fungus in your garden, the politician who explains that services have to be paid for… these are not popular figures.

Your aunt had suspicions, probably had had them for a long time but preferred to put up with being taken advantage of to dealing with this very difficult problem. Then, in an unguarded moment, she confides in you. And now look! - a problem that she had successfully ignored for goodness knows how long is one huge mess, with all kinds of fuss and bother going on, and who's in the middle of it? Yup, you.

Your aunt will be upset and flustered until everything gets sorted. Kathy, frankly, shouldn't be allowed in the building and, if you can, see if APS will get her barred unless and until she is cleared of suspicion. Your only immediate problem is the staff's attitude; but bearing in mind that your aunt is their proper concern, and they don't know you, and there is a cloud of mismanagement hanging around and how are they to know whom to trust? - you should try not to feel offended at their snottiness towards you. They're wrong, but they don't know that yet. Be patient, be open, give it time, they'll come round.

If the financial trail is as clear as you describe, Kathy's POA isn't worth the paper it's written on - I don't know what the laws are in your neck of the woods, but it sounds as if she's a very good candidate for criminal prosecution. Then, presumably, your aunt will be put through a guardianship process; and, again presumably, you will be free to make applications to become her guardian if you wish. Personally, I wouldn't touch it with a stick. I think you'd be begging for trouble.

But anyway, that is all hypothetical pending the investigation. Meanwhile, reassure your aunt that she is doing a public-spirited thing by being truthful and responsible in reporting Kathy's behaviour - what if Kathy were doing this to other people, people less able than your aunt to "stand up for themselves"? (and try to keep a straight face). Commiserate with her disappointment in a person she had trusted, but be very clear with her about the misappropriations and the criminality of what Kathy got up to. Kathy was a wolf in sheep's clothing, and your aunt has bravely set the dogs on her. Go auntie!!! I hope she might buy this line - let us know how it's going, best of luck.

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You ask why your aunt is mad at you, try to remember that it is much easier to show anger and frustration toward the people who love you, because they're always going to love you, no mater what. You're the closest to her and will never leave her, so you get the brunt of the negativity. Also, she may be afraid to stand up to her "care? giver",. Who knows what other manipulations "Kathy" has been employing while no one was looking. Just keep loving your aunt, knowing that your heart is in the right place and your actions are backing that up.

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I agree with everything Ikor said, and would add that it's common for victims of elder exploitation to be embarrassed, and want to put the episode behind them. They realize they have been had, and fear they might lose their independence and ability to make their own decisions as a result.

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Yes, I am putting my trust in "the system" to help my aunt. I talked to a cousin and a couple of her friends who all confirmed the belief (along with the facts) that Kathy has been doing this for years - overcharging her, writing herself checks, etc. And lately trying to isolate her: throws away her personal mail and phone numbers, won't bring her cell phone or address books and to top it all off she
denounced a longtime friend (a Catholic deacon) saying that he was taking advantage of her! So she can no longer see him.
I guess the best defense is a good offense, right?
Over the years she has refused to turn in other people who were stealing from her; I had my hand on the phone and she begged me not to. She is way too trusting and forgiving; a truly wonderful person who is very vulnerable.
The "incompetence" was just an assessment done at the nursing home. I don't think it's the case although she is NOT making good decisions right now.

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If your aunt is not incompetent how did Kathy manage to get her declared incompetent? From most of the posters on here it seems to be the hardest thing in the world even if they have clear evidence. you have done all you can just await the outcome. Kathy should be wearing a designer jumpsuit before too long. Won't stop your aunt being mad at you I am afraid. blessings

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You might want.to read my answer to the 50ish year old daughter who is concerned about her father's spending too much money on prostitutes. Potential care takers and family members, such as you, should be concerned about money! I can think of two possible reasons your aunt's anger toward you. She doesn't want to be told how to run her life (loss of independence and control) or she might be frightened of Kathy. She can be arrested for elder abuse, and who knows what she has said to your aunt...or even threatened her to keep herself out of trouble? For whatever reason your aunt is angry with you, you don't really know what is going on when they are alone. I think you were right to intervene. The idea of finding a lawyer who specializes in elder care is an excellent one. Be sure to involve your aunt when her situation is being discussed. Good luck, and don't give up.

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It is obvious this woman Kathy is an out and out crook but I repeat the question- how was your aunt declared incompetent? That is not an easy process, it requires doctor's letters and often a legal procedure. I would definitely see an attorney or legal aid as well as law enforcement. If doctors examined her and found her incompetent then she does need a legal guardian. Her anger is a sign of helplessness and if she does have dementia, that is a symptom to lash out. I went through years of helping my parents and being accused of being the bad guy- it seems like no good deed goes unpunished and it is very painful. Sometimes you have to get beyond that and not be a martyr- but do the right thing and at least make sure your aunt is taken care of for the short time she has left.

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reenah63, a person who is not diagnosed as having dementia can appoint anyone they want to be POA, relative or not. Some family dynamics are such that the last person in the world you want in your business would be family! While I agree that opening a person's mail is a federal offense, I would find that to not be even touched in a situation such as this. It is also against the law to break down someone's door but I would do that too if I thought someone was being molested or injured inside and that was the only way to get in. Glad the police are taking this seriously and looking into it. When I read Chemkrd's post regarding what is likely to happen - that her aunt as a result of non payment will end up in a very bad place as a result of non payment - probably that plays into what the aunt is upset about. She is transferring any anger that she should be feeling for the person who put her in this situation - "Kathy" - and really first, herself for appointing "Kathy" as POA to her niece. What comes to mind right now is the whole Ray Rice elevator knock out (of his then fiancé, now wife). He hit her and knocked her out, the recording reveals what HE did, and now she is mad at the entity (NFL) who has banned him from playing football. Is she mad at Ray Rice? Nope! She called it a difficult time in 'their lives' and now the big mean NFL is depriving them of future income and bringing up a sore subject. See! Don't have to be old with dementia to think this way.

Helping my aunt who is subject of financial abuse. Why is she mad at me?

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