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I have been taking care of my 91 y.o mother with 'dementia' [found her a great assisted living, paying bills, driving 1 1/2 hrs all the time whenever she wants something] We have always had a communication problem and now that she does not remember anything it is becoming a trust issue, like I am not sure if its the dementia or a lie. She has always lied, bending the truth, and I am am into reality!
Now throw in the 39 y/o grandson with a drug problem, who has past legal issues. Every time he visits her, there is a visit to the bank, something missing. She does not tell me the truth. I went yesterday and her car is gone, and he took it. He took her to DMV etc. with his girlfriends name on the pink slip. She also had her diamond wedding ring missing when he visited, she accused another family member of stealing it, and we found out he gave it to his girlfriend. Said she did not remember.
I am sick of it and want out, but I am afraid he will take everything from her. She blames me for 'not letting her do what she wants' not giving her $ [which I always do] She does not have much and that is why I am doing this. He takes he to the bank, gets copies of her accounts and tells her I have stolen $. I am fed up! I do everything and I get accused of horrible things-I don't deserve this.

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You have to do what is right to protect your mom. But it won't be a popularity contest, not even with your mom. There is nothing glamorous in caring for her or making sure she is protected. I know - I have the battle scars to prove it. But I don't have one regret.
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Daisy, you've gotten pretty unanimous advice here; please let us know how things work out. All goods wishes for your family.
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Daisy, even if Mom can't be deemed incompetent, I would bet dollars to donuts you could get a restraining order to keep him away. You are talking felony theft level stuff here - diamond ring, a CAR, 20K!! WHAT is the hesitation???? This is absolutely brazen and if he can count on you to wimp out and not have the entire legal system down his throat in a heartbeat, demanding full restitution (which by now is probably not possible, I'm sure quite a bit of what he's taken has been spent on drugs or whatever) then it will simply go on until anything and everything he can get his hands on is gone...everything the decent or at least non-addicted people in your family have worked for or wisely saved to benefit Mom when she needs it, just up in smoke, literally or figuratively.

OF COURSE he will take all of it if you back out! Is there some reason you think you should let this happen? Was your mom totally abusive or uncaring to you, or just chronically extremely foolish, so you feel like she made her bed she should lie in it? If not, then locate your spine and fight back. I put it this way not to be mean, but to give you more perspective.
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With this sickness you can't take anything personal. I know it's hard, but she doesn't think in her right mind. I wouldn't leave her being the circumstance. Maybe a support group or some research on how to communicate with people who have this disease. Try sitting down with the Grandson and explain to him you will take legal action if he continues to take advantage of your Mother. Explain to your Mother her ring was missing and who has the ring, ask her does she remember loaning out money. If she says no, show her the money missing. Maybe her see that she does have a memory issue. If there is anyway you can get Power of Attorney, I would do so right away. Good Luck!
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First of all my heart goes out to you as I to had to deal with this issue, I was in denial of the drug use for some time which was only enabling the continuation of the problem. I had diamond bracelets, money, expensive perfume, right down to my new carpet cleaner all go missing and still I would not admit a problem. It took some time as I protected him,loved him would do anything for him, but this love and protection was only allowing for this to continue, it's called enabling. If you know for sure that he is doing all of this you need to get him out of her life, as a drug addict has no family, they destroy all their family and trust. By not reporting all of these incidents you are enabling him to continue down this path. You need to stop it and stop it now because it is only going to get worse. He has found himself a cash cow and he is going to milk it dry, trust me I've been there. Best of luck to you.
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I have to agree with ba8alou. It is time. We can all see how horrible it is. He needs to know he cannot get away with this and your mum needs to be protected from him, whether she likes it or not

My kids all knew that if they crossed the legal line, not that any of the were inclined to, I would be the first to report them. Actually one did try to pull something once in early teenage, and we were on him and cooperating with the cops as soon as we found out. He never did it again.
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Bad news is right, Daisy. I'd turn him in to the authorities, it would be the best thing that ever happened to him. It would certainly help your mom. $20,000? that's grand larceny almost anywehere. Think of it this way; he's practising on your mom; then he'll move on to GF's elders, then branch out to strangers. He's getting good practise; do you really want to be responsible for the irreparable harm he's going to cause to all of those elderly people out there? Get a grip, call APS and the cops. Now.
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I forgot another thing- he took mom to her bank, they w/drew her $20,000 CD. He took her to his bank, changed the beneficiary from my name to his name. When I asked the GF about this, she said it was because he was not getting anything-shoot- she's not even dead. He is in the trust, but he wants more. Horrible
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I appreciate all the great advice. I talked with the girlfriend, found out she was present when the car was taken. When I explained the need for the car for my mothers transportation, she said it was given to them, that my mom does not have dementia [they spend one holiday a year with her. Is 4 hours a year enough time for a diagnosis?] My mom has had meetings with the va, drs. AL staff. I talk to her everyday, drive 1 1/2 hrs to see her and take her out for errands, anything she wants. I was shocked to hear what the GF had to say about me! This side of the family is bad news. My nephew also stole his dead grandmothers car when she died, from his own mother. The lawyer gave me advice to do a lien on her TRUST, so he could not have it changed, take her property. And after I get the 2 drs. letters about her inability to take care of her finances, I take them to the bank w/ the durable POA, and I will take everything out and deposit at a new bank. I will not tell my mother which bank, so he will not be able to take her there and w/draw $.
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Daisy, remember that the money and assets that she is "gifting" him will be spotted by medicaid if she needs their assistance. Who is going to pay for her care then? You are enabling your nephew's drug habit. If you want to walk away from your mom's care, do so. But make it clear to AL, her docs and authorities that you're doing so because there is financial chicanery going on that you will not be part of. I might also ask where your nephew's parents are in this mess.
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I agree with the posts here. If you want to take a positive from this you might just being doing the grandson a favor by turning him in, he needs help. sometimes it takes a person to hit rock bottom to seek it or be forced into it. 'stealing' from grandma would be it for me. Good luck.
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I agree APS asap and ban him from AL. This always makes me sick feeding off the vunerable. Its always someone in the family who does this how low can you go.
Yes you need to stop this asap.
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APS = Adult Protective Services
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I agree with what others have suggested too...restricting visitation by this relative, filing a police report for the ring and the car to document the issues, if nothing else. A report to local elder abuse authorities and seeking to declare your mother incompetent for medical, personal, and financial affairs, in particular, may be necessary to give you, or someone else, the teeth and tools to protect her. Good luck...we had a similar issue with an older alcoholic man who kept company with my husband's mother. He tried to kidnap her from the home to take her out of state to get married...after my husband had moved into her home and became her Legal Guardian, a kicked this hanger-on, out! He had already bled thousands off her...and was wanting the house. Marital rights would have made getting rid of this guy extremely difficult. Thankfully, we would have been able to annul the marriage, if it had occurred, on the basis of incompetent to lawfully consent.
Sadly, their are con artists out there the same age as your mom...looking for women with assets.
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The can can be recovered on the basis of Undue Influence. A reasonable person would question the transaction BC your mother has no relationship to the girlfriend. She is clearly being manipulated.
This is the danger of not having either a full durable POA from the outset/diagnosis or a voluntary conservatorship that is court monitored to prevent financial abuse. THIS should always be the first step in securing the assets of the vulnerable person along with locating any existing will, BC people will come along and try to get the elder person to add to or change their will. If competency is an issue, time to lock down all assets and the ability to transfer or sell those assets. Many elderly people are vulnerable to being swindled out of their homes, just through non payment of prop taxes too.
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Help me out, what is APS?
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A 39 year old MAN with a drug problem!!!! Put a stop to this now.. Get APS involved and know you are the responsible one.. Mom needs you to do this for her since she obviously can't make these decisions herself... Sorry Mom but this can't continue!!
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You need to report all this to the proper Police Department, let them sort it out. They can trace all the transactions and learn the truth. You know Grandchildren rank much higher than children do to Grandmothers.
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Daisy, too drastic? I don't think so, sounds like you know'about several large items that have ended up with the male relative. It is going to get worse if he is not stopped. Then you will be asked when you knew about all of this. APS will also ask why you didn't do something about this sooner. Are there any relatives taking assets (yes a diamond ring is considered an asset, as is a car) from her other than this man? Whether she wants to make these gifts of not it is having an impact on her ability to provide the care she needs. It will be discovered at some point. BE STRONG!
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A friend of mine reported her alcoholic brother to Adult Protective Services when she found out he was taking financial advantage of their mother. APS put a stop to it.
There is nothing at all drastic about reporting your drug-addicted nephew to Adult Protective Services if he is taking financial advantage of your mother. If it is your sense of family loyalty that is preventing you from turning this over to APS, realize that your nephew has no family loyalty. His loyalty is to drugs and drugs alone.
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You clearly suspect that your nephew has diddled your mother out of her car, her diamond wedding ring and several sums of money. You clearly further suspect that he has done this in order to fund a drugs habit and presents for his girlfriend.

If this behaviour, unchecked, gets worse and therefore comes to light, and you are accused of being complicit by knowing of these facts but failing to report them, will you still think you don't deserve it?

If reporting what has happened to the authorities seems too drastic, what do you propose to do?

Reading between your lines, it sounds to me as though your mother is in fact giving these items to your grandson. She may not be aware of their value, she may not really comprehend what she's doing, but I hazard a guess that she enjoys giving him presents, he is appreciative, and neither sees the harm in what he doing.

But there is harm. He is abusing her trust, and effectively stealing from her: a lady who does not understand what she is doing cannot freely give her belongings to someone else. It is time to get heavy. You either speak to him yourself or you get the authorities involved.
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APS too drastic? Sooner or later the nephew is going to take it all and then where will the money come from to pay for her assisted living? She will not qualify for medicaid due to her generous gifting to the nephew. What then? If you live in a state that has filial responsibility laws you could be on the hook for her care.
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Seems too drastic to you or to them?
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protective services call -I needed to have them make a case against my nephew-did not do this seems too drastic
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Does your mother have dementia or not? It, along with what stage it's got to, makes an important difference to what you can do about this problem.
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daisy - I was not sure what "dementia" in quotes meant. I see that she always has been difficult and I know from my own experience that it is hard to tell what is the old ways and what is due to relatively recent mental illness and what is a mixture of both. If you had financial POA you might be able to rearrange her bank accounts, so she only has access to a small amount of money regularly. I think I read on here that someone has done that. I know of someone who put his money in trust for her brother - she had POA - as he was being fleeced by a drinking buddy. Similar situation to yours. He had been declared incompetent and we are in Canada anyway which is a little different. Depending on the type of POA in the US you can act right away or have to wait till she is declared incompetent.
from website wills.about.com
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A Power of Attorney can be "durable," meaning that it goes into effect immediately and continues to be legally binding if you become mentally incapacitated; or a Power of Attorney can be "springing," meaning that it does not go into effect until you are declared to be mentally incapacitated.

The person or entity named to act on your behalf in a Power of Attorney is called your "Attorney in Fact" or your "Agent."
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The durable one has obvious advantages.

However that does not deal with the unpleasantness, the accusations and blaming. Have you had any success from the calls you made? The psychiatrist may be helpful - I hope!!!

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) let us know how you make out.
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Well, you can and should certainly talk to all these people. It is good that you are trying to protect your mother. But unless she is declared to be incompetent by a court you cannot stop her from spending or giving or throwing away her money. She has given away her car, so taking the keys means nothing. I hope someone you talk to will have good practical suggestions for you. If that happens, please share! We learn from each other.
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Take the car keys and take the plate off her car. She won't be going anywhere in it. And what geewiz said. Talk to the facility and tell them that he's not allowed in there, not allowed to take her anywhere, period, for any reason, for her own safety. And what Emjo said, too. Talk to the cops while you're at it.
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My understanding from her bank was that even if I have financial POA, she can still go into the bank and withdraw cash. I made many outreach calls [ adult protective services, ombudsman, asst living, lawyer ] and I scheduled a consult/intake with a psychiatrist that comes to her facility. She has a diagnosis based on what the facility required, and her medical doctor diagnosed her.
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((((((hugs))))) very difficult! It sounds like your mum is competent still, so she is free to spend her money where she wants to, yet this grandson is financially abusing her. It might be worth talking to the bank about what options they can suggest to better protect her, talking to the ALF as suggested above about visitors, talking to the cops as suggested above to see how you can protect her and even taking to an elder lawyer to see what suggestions you can get there. Financial abuse of the elderly is not a new thing, and, hopefully you will find some means to curb this. Unfortunately she is willing to go along with the grandson's games which may limit what you can do. You say she has "dementia". I am not sure what that means. Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Do you have medical and or financial POA? I think you would need an active POA to easily place restrictions on her spending.
Good luck to you - it looks like a very difficult situation.
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