Any tips on how to find balance with your friends as your caregiving responsibilities continue to increase?
I have a very small circle of friends and do not want to risk losing them by oversharing caregiving woes and/or by not being there for important events.
Example:
Last year when my mom had her stroke, I moved states suddenly into my BFF's unoccupied home and rented it from her ever since. She is like my sister. A few weeks into moving states into her home to be close to my newly disabled mom near her nursing home, my BFF's fiance's cancer returned. They decided to get married suddenly on 10 days' notice at their home, and I was my BFF's maid of honor. But she also asked me to do the decorations. And I also bought most of the stuff for the wedding. And then I ended up doing planning related tasks. Then she 'told' me I'd be the photographer. In the midst of all the very new nursing home stuff, the across-state move and my mom's condition, right after my BFF's wedding was done I think I slept for 2 days (it was the first weekend I went without seeing my mom I believe) as I was physically just 'shot'.
But I love my BFF so much and also she'd done so much by allowing me to move into and rent her home in the middle of a crisis.
I am a 'yes' person. I'm looking for some general tips on how to say no but still maintain friendships, especially during special events. I don't want to be selfish but I find my energy being depleted from caregiving such that little remains for friends, but I do want to be sure I carve out appropriate time for them.
I started to think about this topic because my BFF turns 50 in several months. She was my only friend that accompanied me during my 40th birthday trip abroad for like 2 weeks several years ago. Due to her now husband having cancer, I definitely want to be there to help her do whatever she decides to do for her birthday. She recently mentioned to me she wants to take a trip and 'hinted' at how she's going to need help planning it and all. Based on how the wedding went and how I know my friend to be, I'm afraid she will approach me a month before and want to do something big and ask me to do every single piece of it. I'm trying to be proactive now in case that happens about what I can say/do/commit to - maybe telling her I'd be happy to take on 1 (only one) specific task would do the trick, but I'm not so sure seeing as though I tried to bow out of the photography thing for the wedding and she said 'but just like with the decorating and organizing and such, your hobby has been photography so you're the only one I have that can do this and you can just take a few photos here and a few photos outside and blah blah blah' lol.
Help...lol
She’s your BFF. Sooooo, you should be able to talk to her, explain that you can only do a few things for her, not too many.
How the convo about being the photographer went the day before the wedding:
BFF: So how will we handle the photography for tomorrow?
Me: What do you mean?
BFF: You know you're the photographer girl, so I just assumed you'd do the photography.
Me: What???
BFF: You just have to stick around and get photos or us here, there, then my family here, then outside here, then....
Me: You want me to do the photography girl? I..I just can't. I am doing a, b, c, d, I really can't...
BFF: Ok, then just take a picture here and then there.
Me: Zoned out of conversation entirely until she stopped talking.
Day of wedding as soon as vows were over:
BFF: Ok, we need photos done now...Psalmssssss....Psalmssss.....bestieeeeee...where are you? Everyone, where is...ohhhhhh there you are. Everyone in front of Psalms now with this camera, she's going to get everyone's photos done now.
LOL
Wow, no offense, but your BFF is pretty pushy. If you like things this way, OK. Has she always leaned on you to take care of things for her? Does she reciprocate or are you a giver and she's a taker? When your life was less complicated, this dynamic may have worked OK. At this point with so much going on with your mom, it wouldn't be out of line for you to expect some support FROM HER. Relationships should be a two way street. She did not do so much for you for letting you rent her unoccupied home. Sounds more like you did her a favor by paying her.
For her upcoming 50th, decide what you are willing and able to do. Are you going to be able to go on the trip? Is your mom independent and if not do you have someone who can caregive while you're on a birthday trip? You need to have an open and honest conversation with your friend. You're going to have to let her know that you do not have the time or energy to plan a big trip for her. If you want to go on a trip with her tell her that but she is going to have to plan it. You have to be ready for her to be angry, while she should actually be understanding, like a good friend would be.
I'm sorry you are being pulled in so many directions. It's a challenge, no doubt.
As far as will I be able to go on the trip, I do not know yet. All I can say today is that it would be difficult. Not impossible, but hard.
I agree that it might end up being a hard conversation because, well, she only turns 50 once. And she was the only one there for me during my 40th trip (of course there would have been more had it not been a long and bit of an extravagant trip).
As an example, when I was "on thin ice" at work last year, I had to let her know after the wedding about it. I had a convo with her where I shared that I was for the first time ever 'under the microscope at work' and had gotten wind leadership was meeting about me right after I came back from FMLA. It was a horrible (and unfair) situation but I had to tell my friend about it because she had been stopping by the house unannounced all the time during work hours, many times to check on something but many times to talk wedding stuff, DH updates, just chat, whatever. She had no clue how stressful it was on top of the mom and work stuff her just popping up all the time (I was struggling to get back to my usual 'overperforming' self at work) so when I mentioned it to her she stated that she understood that I needed to have boundaries because I'm actually working from home. However -
It could just be me, but she also mentioned at the same time for me 'not to worry about how things were going with her and DH going forward'. In short, ever since then it's been just a tad awkward as I'll find out about something very very serious that has happened way after the fact, whether it be to DH's health or a time she was actually literally unsafe, whatever. So now it's like the opposite end in that ever since that convo she doesn't share anything we used to talk about as BFFs that is urgent/important when all I was asking for was boundaries with respect to dropping over during work hours.
IDK. Things can get weird and/or awkward sometimes between people during stressful times and/or when you do ask for boundaries - they don't always come out right when asked for and they are not always taken/interpreted in the correct way.
She is actually a very caring person and never rude or selfish but the wedding did bring out a side of her that had never ever been slightly hinted at or seen with the whole pushiness of the photography thing. I honestly chalked it up to the stress of the wedding and DH's diagnosis (not to mention there had been a few family deaths last year as well). I've never married but we all know about the whole Bridezilla thing with people sometimes.
My bigger point is this is indeed an important friendship to me. My friend is a nurse and has offered valuable advice since I moved here. She checks on me, drops in to check on/visit my mom and that's something my family does not do. I think we're both in places where we need each other in our lives. I just want to do better going forward at communicating when I can't do something. I tend to shut down and give in or just say 'yes' when people push for things I can't take on so I do need to do better at 'politely' saying no, and leaving it as such when I really can't do something.
Unfortunately, your friend wasn’t as considerate of you when she was planning her wedding. She thought that you should do everything that she asked you to do.
I know that you didn’t mind helping her but she overstepped her boundaries. You should not have been expected to do all that work for her.
I bet that you didn’t even get to enjoy the wedding as much as the other guests. She took advantage of your kindness.
Be direct with her and politely tell her that you aren’t going to plan her entire birthday trip for her. If you are going to plan it, do it your way. If she isn’t happy then she can do it herself.
The last time you traveled with her, who made the plans? Does she ever do anything for you?
I should clarify that I offered to pay for certain things (for credit card points and for convenience since I was decorating it was easier while out and doing the purchasing to take care of it myself at the time).
You are right in that I cannot plan the 'whole' thing. I do want her to know I can do something though. I just need it be one thing and very very specific, because I find when I offer to do something, it turns into "You are the expert at a so please can you also help with a?", but then b, c, d, etc. also get thrown in there over time with the same rationale as me being the one that 'knows best how to [whatever]'.
Our last trip was a few years ago. I won't count that one because it was a solo short trip to Miami that she ended up coming after the arrangements were already made, and for only part of that trip.
We don't travel all that frequently together as I mostly do solo trips, so I'll mention that for my big 40th trip abroad all she had to do was book her flights. We went to two countries over 2 weeks; 4 'cities' and I planned everything. Then again, that's just me as I wouldn't expect someone else to plan a trip for me and because I love travel I like to make the decisions regarding where to stay for myself as well as finding the best deal because I used to do a ton of travel for free/close to free due to traveling on saved up credit card points.
I’ve had a couple of friends who invited me to go on cruises this year. If there were others going I may have gone but I wouldn’t do it because it was just the two of us. There’s always the chance that I may have had to cancel and I wouldn’t want to ruin plans..
It's also pretty rare she reaches out about doing anything because she works full time and is caring for sick DH. Despite that, I know that I have limited availability and energy even for small and infrequent things right now. Despite understanding how important continued socialization is, I'm in a place where (as an admitted introvert/loner) I yearn for it even less lately honestly.
I totally understand regarding you declining the cruises as I would do the same thing.
Bestie is demanding a lot, and of course there’s the cancer card, but must you shore her up all over the place including a fantabulous 50th? Wouldn’t it be good if she could live with her own emotions for a while without shoving her wellbeing over onto you?
After so much turmoil, I’d want to crawl into my home cave and take care of myself. You could do that, but it’s your call.
"My boss told me leadership has given the green light for my relocation and that I need to get a plan together with HR 'now' to move to Spain."
What happened to your move to Spain?
Then they shortly thereafter announced a new hire in my group in the EU. Although not in Spain, that headcount clearly could have been me. So I ended all hope and conversations regarding a potential transfer to the EU after that announcement because it became clear HR pushed back on the costs associated with transferring me and I am certain my boss sided with HR in all of this because she would not have had (strong enough) rationale that made transferring me a better move than hiring a local EU person.
I can't remember the last time I've experienced this kind of disappointment. This move would have been life changing for both my mom and myself. I am moving forward now with life focusing on trying to come to terms/at peace with what has happened, trusting that since this was all suddenly taken away, that it simply must 'not have been meant to be' for me.
I hope your BFF is a good person. Some “friends” are actually toxic, or frenemies. Or rude. Or inconsiderate.
If your BFF is a good person? she’ll care about your feelings and wouldn’t want to take too much from you.
Maybe she feels you owe her, because she gave you a good deal by renting a room in her place?
Make sure your friend is really behaving as a friend (i.e. she cares about your needs and limits), she’s not just taking as much as she can from you. Then it’s not really a friendship, but rather you’re a very convenient “friend” she can use.
BFF is kind. A giver actually. She truly has a good heart. She always listens to my woes and empathizes with me. She’s compassionate.
I traveled a lot internationally before my mom’s stroke. For work and personally. I became known amongst my friends as the go to person for travel advice. But that also means sometimes requests for travel planning type stuff. And I have another BFF that told me the other day I’m the resourceful friend. I’ll figure out how to do anything even if I have no clue about said thing originally.
Of course I’m happy to be known to be helpful in these ways. As life is different now I do have try boundaries now.
I should mention…..
Last year when mom had the stroke, maybe 6 months later I had a breathing period so to speak where things calmed down for a bit. My BFF#2 asked me to help her plan a last minute trip her entire family decided to take to Europe of all places on less than two week notice. I put together a whole itinerary for her, looked up flights and trains and hotels and activities and everything. She loved it.
BFF was aware of what I did for her which was a lot. Soooo I just thought about that. She’s not going to likely understand why I did it for her for BFF2 but declining for her. And I will admit - BFF2 has been a Godsend as well. When I went to the hospital when my mom had her stroke, I never went back to the state I was living in. I ended my lease early over email and BFF2 offered to and packed up my entire apartment for me..in one day. Everything. It was a big part of me helping choosing to help her with ber EU family trip planning.
Convince BFF that the first year is their honeymoon time together, alone.
When ur BFF starts bringing up things again, you need to say that you have not wanted to talk about Mom but, this Caregiving is overwhelming even though she is being cared for. You feel that you should be spending as much time with Mom as u can. I went on a 5 day cruise to Bermuda. Was nice and we had a good time. You too could plan a small get away. If u go to a restaurant tell them that BFF is 50. A good restaurant will have some kind of free dessert for the birthday girl. If she hints she wants a big party and you don't feel u can do it, you must be upfront. "I found after helping with ur wedding, that right now with Mom, I don't think I have the energy to get something together. But, I am willing to take pictures and help where I can"
Life changes. We change. I found that it was not hard for my friends to tell me No when they didn't want to do something. So, now when I don't really want to do something, I have learned to say No. I have been asked why and I say "I just don't want to do it". Which is how it is. I really have no reason, just don't want to do it.