First time ever asking a question on this type of site so I was unsure the level of background/detail that would be of value. So when in doubt, the whole story:
I’m 26, an only child, and I have been the primary caregiver for my mother for the past 4 years. Her husband, my father, died in 2007. She is currently experiencing dementia and losing her short-term and spatial memory. Additionally, she is bound to a wheelchair and a diabetic. I have been able to successfully automate some of her care by, and I use this word because I cannot think of another, ‘training’ her to take prefilled containers with her morning/afternoon/night pills and calling me twice a day with her blood sugar readings.
When she became paralyzed I was 21 and didn't really know what to do. I was a full-time undergrad and worked in internship at the local utility. Due to the demands of her care I didn't really pursue any other work while in school. I thankfully managed to get near complete scholarships and worked at night in a janitorial job, so that I would be free’ish to help her during the day. Upon completing college I managed to get employment as a data analyst at a local corporation 5 minutes from home; however, they are very demanding with my time and though the task isn’t physically demanding it requires high levels of concentration and focus reviewing thousands of lines of code. Right when I get home I have to take a nap to alive the headache; however, I cannot take a job somewhere else as it would place me farther away from my responsibility to my mother. To continue my education I enrolled in graduate school right after graduation, online to be home more and keep a work schedule free, but have had to steadily reduce this to half-time or below (which FASFA won’t cover, just great…). I have no social life, no girlfriend, and few friends I rarely see. I don’t like associating with people my own age because I see the lives they are building and I feel envious of them. I continually feel that I am not doing enough for my mother, that I have a debt which is unpaid to her. I do all cleaning, maintenance, upkeep around the house the best I can but I feel that I am always behind. Example: I haven’t vacuumed in a long time, I hate that, it makes me feel like crap. I constantly hear that “I am a such a good son,” but it feels like a lie. The carpet, to continue my example, looks like crap. I know I could be doing more but I don’t have the motivation or the time. I only sleep 4.5hrs a night and take modifinal and amphetamines (script) for focus and to keep going, but my motivation to push forward continues to slip. As immature as it sounds I sometimes just want to sit around and play Xbox, a feeling I felt so guilty being that it is such a waste of time that I donated my Xbox to the Salvation Army.
I don’t expect to be a social maverick or a corporate titian but how do I balance what I need to do to create some kind of life while repaying the debt I owe to the one who created that life? How do I get and stay motivated to go on when every day is a grueling ordeal of work and disappointment? How can I effectively care for my mother without sacrificing my own goals/life?
Check out some of the resources listed on the following website:
http://www.michigan.gov/osa/1,4635,7-234-64081---,00.html
You will find a "benefits check up" option listed. That was very helpful to me when I was researching options for my mom.
You have to take care of yourself to be in a position to continue to help your mom.
Best wishes and please keep us updated.
God Bless you for all you do
I don't know if there is a good way for a young person to balance caregiving and their own lives without getting outside help. This is a critical time in your life. You need to be building your career and finding a good mate -- maybe even thinking about children if they are something you want. If you put these things on the back burner, the opportunity could be lost. I doubt that your mother would have wanted this if she were well.
suziq's advice about bringing in someone to evaluate your mother's needs is excellent. Country social workers know what resources are available and how to tap into them. See what help there is for you out there.
And whatever you do, don't forget to nourish your own spirit by getting out among people. This should be the most fun time of your life, but you'll have to find a way to get out more. There are a lot of good things out there if you'll let yourself enjoy them. It is my belief that we really don't owe our parents for being born. Responsibility passes down the line when we take care of our children. What we do for our parents is out of love and respect for who they are. Seeking help caring for your mother doesn't mean you love her less. It just gives you the opportunity to be her son again, instead of her caregiver. It is okay to get help.
You are a good son. You are doing what you can. And there is nothing wrong with sitting around with an Xbox decompressing from a hard day's work. But like someone else pointed out you are headed for trouble if you keep going like this. You can't keep up this pace.
I agree with everyone when I say consider an assisted living facility for your mom. However, she may not be eligible because of the wheelchair unless she can hire around-the-clock care.
If she is able to hire around-the-clock care that may be an option for you as well. When caring for a parent most people have to quit their jobs because caregiving consumes their lives, as you are finding out.
Im trying to figure out a better schedule or something to balance my situation out as well. Good luck
Here's a resource on everything about caregiving, including support organization, it can help you deal with managing caring for a loved one who is long term care dependent:
http://www.infolongtermcare.org/caregiving/