What legal rights do I have to ban my Mother's friend from visiting and spending several nights with her?
My Mother's Friend comes and spends 3 to 4 nights from out-of-town with my Mother. She refuses to accept my Mother's dementia diagnosis, along with no alcohol, and keeping me in the loop of what's going on when she visits. She drives my Mother anywhere she wants to go. And, my Mother spends money on things she doesn't need, or over spends, period, and the friend doesn't respect my wishes as caregiver, daughter, and D.P.O.A., and told me in so many words to butt-out, and that she isn't friends with me, but my Mom, and to leave her alone, and to quit telling her what to do, and her friendship is with my Mom and not me. My Mother is a recovering alcoholic since the beginning of this year. And, she has dementia, and she cannot drive. She has, also, been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder. My Mom has a lot of problems with managing money, and I have to help my Mother with everything that requires making sound decisions, and help keep her away from alcohol. I, also, drive her everywhere, take her to all medical appointments, make all financial and business decisions. I am responsible for my Mom. This friend is an enabler, and she doesn't respect me, and I don't want her around my Mother driving her all over the place, and spending several nights and days at a time. Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away, took my Mom to a new hearing specialist, where my Mom bought new hearing aides, took her to buy a walker (my Mother hates, and i had to buy her another one, and she likes it) tried to get my Mom to buy her relative's dog, and my Mother lies and acts like an insolent and insidious teenager, and then says she doesn't remember. And, this friend takes offense with me and doesn't understand that I need to be kept in the loop, and she won't follow my guidelines concerning my Mother. And, once she leaves, I am left to pick up the pieces, and it is awful, and she just is not welcome. What legal rights do I have to tell the friend that she cannot visit and/or spend-the-night? She spends 3 to 4 nights at a time. Just the negativity she brings and the stress. It is awful. And, she is a bad influence. She's rude, arrogant, disrespectful, and I am trying to keep things positive. I don't trust her or my Mom, especially, when they are together. She is on a lot of pain medication, too, which I have a problem with when it comes to her driving my Mother places around town, too. If I tell her she has to butt-out, or that she is not allowed in my Mom's house, or not allowed to be with my Mother, I want the law on my side if it comes to me having to make this stance with her. Can anyone help advise me on how to handle? And, if it doesn't stop, what legal recourse do I have to back up my words if she doesn't listen and stays away?
One does have to step back when it comes to elder's friends. Your Mom needs to be around someone closer to her own age group to talk to. You may not like this friend, but your Mom does. Let her have the fun.
Think of it this way, this friend is giving you free time when she is there with your Mom, the friend is looking out for her. Tell the friend to make sure Mom doesn't get any alcoholic as it could make her very sick due to medicine she is taking... I am sure Mom's friend wouldn't want to do anything to make her friend sick.
As for the laptop, was it your Mom's laptop, and what was the reason that her friend smashed the laptop? There had to be some type of disagreement. Did her friend break it or did Mom, but Mom told you someone else broke it?
She is, however, even if there could be a tiny grain of truth to her point of view, overcompensating to the point of irresponsibility.
Your duty as your mother's POA is to assist your mother to make the choices she would have made in her previous right mind. Your duty as your mother's primary caregiver is to keep her as safe and healthy and happy as possible within the limits of her physical and mental frailties. You have a problem, because there is a conflict between those two things.
You probably could get heavy, legally, and forbid your mother's friend's staying in the house. But the point is, your mother doesn't want that. She wants to have her friend to stay. Your mission - if you choose to accept it - is to make that happen in a way that is as safe as possible.
Your mother's friend doesn't owe you respect, let alone obedience. So. You will either have to earn her respect, and persuade her to comply with the ground rules; or you will have to impose restrictions on your mother's social life that, to be blunt, it would be wrong to impose.
Mom is sneaking around like a teenager and you are acting the rigid parent, I think you need to extract yourself from that role and just be "cheerful and stupid" about these sprees, I hope they don't happen too often? Be glad that the friend doesn't live close enough to visit every day.
If so, request that a PPO be issued. In our county, when I got one several years ago, it was an ex-parte action, i.e., no court hearing was required.
As 1/2 owner of the house, you have rights as well. Draw up a list of prohibited behaviors, present it to the woman, and continue to document her abuse of your terms. She's going to challenge you; use it to your advantage.
There's also the issue of protecting your mother, as your mother will probably want to continue to have this woman in her life. Detail what she does and how it might be welcome to your mother, then (and this is a hard part) find ways to substitute for what this woman brings into your mother's life.
Good luck.
Bear this in mind, though: if your mother gives you her own, er, interesting version of events, it is very probably that your mother also gives this friend a similarly distorted picture. So, for example, with the credit cards, your mother might tell her 'oh, Daughter says I spend too much - she's taken all my cards and put them in the incinerator.' And, swallowing this story whole, Friend indignantly sets about helping her get new ones.
Do you, really, think it probable that the friend 'smashed the laptop up with a hammer'? I mean, it's possible; and I speak as one who was driven by enraged frustration to physical abuse of an iPod Touch (my own, though). It's just it seems to me a more likely scenario that Friend saw your text, thought "is she nuts?", and decided not to bother replying.
Someone needs to communicate to the friend:
Mother really has got dementia. No, really, she has.
Dementia does some very odd things to the brain. Here is a leaflet explaining a few common, but still extremely weird, effects you might expect to see.
Befriending a person with dementia, and being a true friend to that person, means taking into account that they need help to stay safe and not be exploited. Please find out more about this.
If she won't listen to you, and you've tried putting this as nicely as you can in writing, then ask someone else to act as *your mother's* advocate with the friend. After all, it isn't your convenience you're most concerned about, it's your mother's welfare - and her welfare includes keeping her well-informed friends. Doctor, nurse, mutual acquaintance, policeman if need be - think of someone who can be the messenger for you.
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