This is in regards to aging and declining inlaws and a husband who is scared and was in firm denial until a year ago. FIL has what may be dementia. MIL was in denial and hiding it (even normalizing weird and unhealthy behavior) until very recently.
I was raised in a family that had no healthy respect for boundaries. For my child's, spouse's, and my own safety, most of my relatives are not in our lives any more because of this. In my family of origin, how it worked was you either let people stomp on you or you bullied others to get things done.
I don't want that relationship with my husband and his parents, but so far I'm the only person who seems to realize what a serious situation they are in and who actually is trying to take action about it. So I'm very nervous about taking this on, but it seems like I don't have a choice...unless I want to turn away and let something horrible happen (BTDT—my grandma died horribly of a stress-induced stroke—never again).
The thing is I worry I will take over this too much. I don't want to take away my husband's and his parents' power to make choices for themselves (quite the opposite), and I want to make sure I take time for self care as well. Right now, they need someone to help them get over the first hurdle of denial and start to bring in outside helpers.
How can I do that without burning out from a self-induced self-reflective anxiety?
What helps you be calm, communicate well, and keep others' feelings in perspective (while still being realistic)?
Read 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande which is an excellent overview of some of the ethics at play. Treading the fine line between concerned assistance and unwarranted interference is extremely difficult even in loving and well-balanced families. If you have had to extricate yourself from one precisely because you found its approach too heavy-handed, you don't even have the benefit of a good example to follow so it's hardly your fault that it's hard to judge the right balance.
Respond constructively when your MIL talks to you. Encourage her to be more candid with her family, and less afraid of their reaction to FIL's challenges. Suggest she imagines that one of them approached her for help when they needed it: would she mock them, shun them or begin to meddle unduly in their lives? Of course not - so why would she fear they would do that to her?
Research options for them. Find out the contact details, services provided and rates charged by organisations which could be useful to them. Offer practical help in arranging visits, assessments or perhaps a trial period of any service she finds appealing.
Consistently and encouragingly repeat to your MIL what you think she should do, and assist her when she asks you to. Do not take action on her behalf without her permission, and most of all do NOT do anything that she has categorically asked you not to do.
It is right to support, advise, encourage and assist your MIL. But you have no right to overrule her or force decisions on her. Do not "disregard her wishes."
You know the answer to that one.
What happened when your MIL had her accident? Who took care of FIL? Of Inlaw GParents? Did MIL need rehab? Did she get it?
If her accident had been fatal, what then? A visit to a qualified legal attorney for the necessary documents and plans are needed.
It's a good place to start with a consultation for you and your husband so that when it comes time, you are able to take necessary action.
Another meeting I had with the folks I've personally had POA for is let's play what if. What if you were making bad decisions? What if you were hurting dad? What if you were expecting more than I could or can do? What if you died? It's kind of like the DNR conversation but drilling down to more everyday concerns. What if you were spending all your money online shopping when you needed it for health care.
Another is Who matters?
Are my children's lives important? My grandkids? Are my husbands parents important? Is my life important? To me a family is a unit and makes decisions that are good for everyone or at least take everyone affected into consideration. MIL life will most likely be shortened with all this prolonged stress. She is already making poor decisions.
Your love holds you hostage. There are no perfect answers. You can be ready and prepared to take action when the event occurs that demands it. Life ends for all of us regardless of the decisions that are made. It isn't necessary to wear yourself out trying to meet unrealistic expectations of others although most of us do.
When was the last time one of you visited and saw what the situation was, in reality and not just via MIL's repoet, which frankly may be suspect?
If your husband nor his mother wish to do anything, you have the options of standing by or taking action yourself. Eventually, a crisis occurs and something has to be done. If it's a real safety concern, like FIL driving unsafely, wandering, violent, etc. then, I might be more proactive. It's a personal decision as to how you voice your concern to your husband and/or call authorities to intervene.
You might get them reading material or show them online videos on dementia. It might help coming from a third party.
Your goals sound admirable, but, when dementia is involved......it's frustrating. Often people won't listen. They underestimate the condition and impact on the home and family. They overestimate what they can handle. And they remain in denial for a long time.
With my situation, it wasn't really about boundaries. Respecting boundaries is nice, but, when it comes to people who have brain damage and are in dire need, those things may not be possible to use. Often, getting the person somewhere safe and protected becomes the biggest priority. Eventually, a person with dementia cannot keep driving the train.
There's usually a lot of stress and anguish, because the ability to reason is diminished. I'm not sure how a family member of someone with dementia avoids stress and distress. You can avoid burn out by asking for help and getting the loved one the care they need. Avoid taking on duties that you are not trained or equipped to do. Realistically, getting the patient to see things clearly, cooperate, and accept help is quite rare. It's usually a struggle and quite stressful, HOWEVER, eventually, things will get in place and things will be resolved. It's not easy. That's why there are so many people on these type of boards pouring their hearts out.
I hope you find some suggestions that help. I hope you'll get some other responses too. Each case is different. Please post as to how things go.
MIL is in denial about the fact that she needs more help. She "says" that the doctor blows her off...I wonder if that is actually the case or if s/he is actually begging her to get help at home, or place FIL.
I wonder if FIL injured MIL.
I wonder, if the local Area Agency on Aging did a wellness check, what they would find.
If your MIL is allowing a person with dementia to drive.....I'd be concerned with HER judgment and I'd want to make sure that FIL is a safe driver.
In light of your more recent post with new info, I'd also suggest the following. I'd arrange to go and stay in the house with FIL and MIL so you can see first hand what the situation is. If FIL is unmanageable, you need to know. ALSO, if MIL is in denial and not being reasonable about the care that FIL needs, then she may not be the person who can drive the train either. I'm a pretty pragmatic person. If a loved one is suffering and another loved one is not willing to allow them help, then, I'm going to be proactive. Of course, it's really your husband's responsibility. Why can't he step up? HE needs to get better informed and if the situation warrants, intervene.
In emergencies like the he has a tendency to freeze. He wants to believe his family is healthy happy, and normal.
Truthfully? I can't fault him for this? I had a similar issue with my family of origin's abusive nature. When we see horrible things happening to (or by) people we love, it's very easy to want to normalize and disregard—especially if you have seen it your whole life (like me) or it's come on gradually (as it has my FIL). I love him and want to do what I can to help as he has helped me through hell with my family, but I know I need to be mindful of myself in regards to my health and stress.
We both spoke with MIL this weekend to get a better clue about the situation. She has delusions about how we'd be able to care for FIL if she had an accident or worse. She thinks if something happens to her, we can simply call a temp agency and have someone live with FIL. She also doesn't want us to tell other family members who are closer because she doesn't want to "worry" them.
I also confirmed the injury she had was a kind that is very common in a fall (a doctor friend I spoke with pointed this out and warned me). She's telling us it's from lifting, though. Hubby doesn't believe she may be making this up since she cared for his grandfather after his fall. I am not so quick to buy that. Yes, I think it could be possible FIL hurt her—not necessarily on purpose.
They have an appointment with their doctor set up in a couple weeks. Hubby is going to talk with this person. Initially his plan was to tell them of his mother's concerns. I quickly told him, "No. You are going to tell them about *our* concerns and observations." He wants me to put dates on our list of things we noticed so that is what I will be doing tonight.
In the meantime, I may be researching help in their area more to see what resources MIL (or even we) could use. I friended a lot of family that lives near her. I haven't told them.
Hubby agreed to look into visiting a care-taker support group. I am considering helping him find a therapist. I'm seeing one myself. It was going so well I was going to stop, but this came up and she's been wonderful for advice. It may be a good idea to find someone he can talk with through this given it impacts his health.
We talk about moving much closer, but that will take a couple years and a lot can happen between now and then.
I feel we have enough information for now to know my ILs are not in a safe situation, and it can quickly escalate to a crisis if we don't get outside help soon.
We do not need to go digging in their house further. We did that a little last year already, and they *still* managed to hide things from us.
MIL has opened up, and we know enough (including details I'm not going to disclose on a forum at this time). That is a big step!
We are going to see if we can get their doctor to pay attention, and we will see if we can get MIL to understand why we need to bring in family members who live close by. Bringing up how this could negatively impact her grandchild seemed to give her pause.
I believe if we can get the doctor to cooperate, the ILs will follow through with testing and following directions (like maybe not driving)—especially FIL. He *loves* doctors.
MIL is very responsible about bills. She's always managed them even before this all went down. Maybe we need to talk with her about a POA or something like that, though? My big concern is the stress will kill her...possibly sooner than later, and that is so unnecessary.
I am not doing this alone, though. Not anymore. DH is completely on the same page now. We've been coming up with plans together this weekend.
Something, though, I can do that he can't. I get more information from his mom. She tells me so much more than she ever tells him. I don't know if it's she because feels safer talking to another woman or whether she wants to shield him since he is her child. Probably a bit of both.
I love them. I will look out for them...but not alone.
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