Life brings many enjoyable missions and many overwhelming tasks to overcome. When a friend or family member becomes ill. The adventure to take on the tasks of a caregiver is overwhelming that people find to late or over looked. Or let's call it, bite more then you can chew is the later outcome. Is agreeing or becoming a first time caregiver for a love one the best tactic?
Unfortunately, I never got the chance to take care of my Parents because, they both passed away unexpectedly before their 60's. If they would have lived to seen their elderly yrs. I would have been the feller to care for them. Many know me on this Forum as venting about my 88 yr old Aunt that I agreed to take care of...As I was growing up this Aunt was one of my favorite Aunts. She was always nice to me and I looked up to her. My Father "her brother" told me yrs ago if there was anyone in the family to take of? This Aunt is the one he told me. This Aunt is also, my God Mother and was my Father's favorite sister. So, in a way I was prone to care for her when she reached her elderly yrs. After I took on this task of caregiver for my Aunt I wish I never found the word "Hate". I had no idea that this Aunt was so much of a hateful person. I never learned hate until this Aunt. Hate is like a spreading infection that's catchable. Do you love your loved one? I'm sure your answer is yes. Until you become a caregiver for them then, love is questionable. Becoming a caregiver for a loveone requires you to become closer to them and learning things about them that you may not want to learn about. I loved my Aunt. Until I became her caregiver. Now I hate her. I learned her darkside. I wish I never agreed to be her caregiver. If I never would of agreed to be her caregiver I wouldn't hate her today. Overcoming the hate isn't a simple task after catching it. Hate is a virus and very catchy. My advice to people is, before agreeing to be a caregiver for a loveone? How much do you really know about your loveone before attempting? Because, there's a darkside that you don't want to learn. Sometimes it's best to hand the rains over to someone else. The old saying "We learn as we go". If I knew then what I know now I would have never agreed to be a caregiver. I never was a hateful person until I took on this task. If you want to learn "Hate"? Become a caregiver!.. Because, enjoyable pleasure from being a caregiver isn't the only thing you will learn. Becoming a caregiver for your first time have you found the darkside yet?
We won't commit loving family/relatives etc& wonder why countries are at war?...should be on everyone's lips these days: filial responsibility...nice words..:)
Now this isn't to say my mom isn't difficult and has her quirks, but so do I. I am very close to my mom since Dad died and she moved here, so I spend a LOT of time with her, and even then I think I should be spending more since she depends on me so much. It's not mom that gets to me; it's the burden of the time chunk that I have to give. But then I realize that someday she will be gone, and I will WISH for that phone to ring.
You see, this isn't your mom.... (I realize not all caregivers are taking care of a loving parent) but this is your aunt... and I don't think you are as close to her as you would be to a mother who raised and loved you. Do you know what I mean?
I don't think (*hope*) that you 'hate' her. I think you bit off more than you could chew with a really difficult person to caregive to. I would examine my feelings and hand the ball off, slow but sure, to the professionals before you feel like you could run away or snap. I am sure ultimately you want what is best for your aunt, and for you, too. The pros are used to dealing with difficult elderly people and understand the diseases that go with the territory.
Too late for me&mine....so many others need help&caring for their loves...will save millions$s to tax payers...
apparently don't particularly think of myself as person having character, but did promise my Mum&Dad that i would not abandon them...
Your answer to "dogabone" was wonderful...
Lately have been wondering/stewing over how to make our collective experience - dogabone, yours, mine&all our families who are included in this experience - something that would focus in good way on our elders&also make it viable for those who come after us...
Am 64&have wonderful family around me...did care for my parents(90&94) by myself for best part of ten years...
There is wonderful paper regarding filial responsibility which shows benefit/s of aiding caregivers....not a ruse/not fraud...
I subsidized and so on my parents' "independence" for many years...i was/worked only as a waitress - good years it was fine, bad years&there have been many lately it was very difficult...
Not complaining have wonderful children...but some years very difficult...would love to effect helpful change for other boomers my age who work only in low income jobs...anyway...you wrote beautifully to dogabone ...i just want to help also...
But as we talk about people getting older and getting so nasty, I never quite know what to think about that. I wonder if, with some people, they've been kicked-around so much in their lives that they've turned bitter, or they're so sick that they don't have the patience for the rest of us, or maybe it's just something like hardening of the arteries that they have no control over?
Whatever the reason, as a caregiver, I think it's hard when you've had fond memories of a person and they're so different from what you've fondly remembered. Those happy times seem to be just gone and the sweet person we thought we were taking care of doesn't seem to be inside the shell we must care for. I think it's hard to resolve that the face we're looking at housed both the current "nasty" person and the past "nice" person. I just sympathize with you and think this is one of the hardest things of all for caregivers.
I just found out about a neighbor and my mom knew each other as kids and teens in the south, but living here in Los Angeles, CA for more than 65yrs. This neighbor as you talk about your aunt was just like that and I just found out about her and my mom two days before she died. I would have had more tolerances for her I think if known this. She had no kids, family never came around and watching from across the street seeing everyone asking about what's going to happen to the material things she left (ie house, car, etc.) he neighbor that was help this person (your aunt) is exactly what you said 'full of hate' because trying to help..."never again" as he puts it. I feel the same way about this after my mom passes but I have an aunt that hleps me from time to time with my mom. What if some day she needs some help?
The point is " I gave back"...I didn't get the mind of a scientist/engineer by myself.
I am in this position (the little bit that was promised me, is being stolen by a sibling with POA).
I don't believe you really "hate" being caregiver, I believe you are underappreciated, and it's natural to feel extremely frustrated by that situation.
Instead of "hating" the situation, direct your frustration at the Other Family Members who SHOULD be helping (financially, time, etc).
You ALL have a responsibility.
You have allowed yourself to be turned into a martyr by your aunt. There is no shame in admitting that the situation has grown far beyond your ability to deal with it. It is far past the time to turn her care over to professionals who know how to deal with the type of person she is.
Look at it this way: If a storm tore the shingles off your roof and put holes in your roof, would there be reason to feel ashamed in calling a roofing contractor if you lacked the knowledge and physical strength to fix the roof yourself?
Just because your aunt is your relative doesn't mean that you should automatically have the personality and skills to meet the needs of a woman who by your own admission is difficult and hateful.
I loved them and they always loved and appreciated me. We were always very close when they were healthy and able bodied. For my situation, I did not want (they did not want) to be away from their home and "taken care of " by a revolving number of aides in a nursing home. They did not want to be in a home where patients were passing on each day either. Mentally, the more normal their homelife the better. Paid caregivers allowed me a chance to continue working and handle chores. We controlled and selected the caregivers so if they were not good with old people, they were not used again. We were blessed with one wonderful home health aide who was with my father for almost 4 yrs while I worked. She was almost a member of the family. Very kind to my father and he respected her and her very valuable work.
Back to your situation, see if you can get a placement. Caregiving is too hard to perform it for a person you no longer respect or love.
We must all give ourselves permission however to change our mind or adjust circumstances when things change beyond our control. People assume caregiving roles for many reasons: love, guilt, redemption, no one else to do it, financial --no where else to go, etc.
We must realize that the task we assumed wasn't bad or we could handle and manage but then it gets to be too much, lasts longer than we ever thought, Heath or mental health deteriorates and we can't manage anymore, our own families tire of the responsibilities and sacrifices, our own health deteriorates...all good reasons to accept it, own it and make a change if that's what it takes.
Yes, can you grow to "hate" sure. Doesn't mean you hate the loved one, but you do hate the situation, you do hate their demands, and yep you hate their behavior or attitude sometimes or maybe most times...it's okay and normal. When that happens, do the loving thing and seek new solutions, get some help with care, respite or find the person alternative care elsewhere; but don't destroy your life and health or risk hurting or abusing your loved one or caregivee.
I had taken care of three other relatives prior to my mother and NO I DID NOT KNOW IT WOULD BE THIS HARD!!! None of the three had dementia.
If I had a crystal ball 8 years ago and could have predicted or seen what was going to happen on this care giving journey, I would have run in the other direction just as both of my siblings have.
Being treated badly takes a toll on you, I do not care if it is the disease, you are beaten down by it. Not being paid for your services so you can "save the inheritance" only to have it divided between those who do not life a finger to help, will make you angry or resentful.
This disease does bring out their bad side and in doing so, most assuredly will bring out yours as well....at least on occasion. Then when you decide you can handle it no longer and they will have to go to a nursing home, you get to experience the feeling of failure, and listen to everyone else as they tell you how disappointed they are.....in you!
I think you posted a valid question.
We went into town yesterday for shopping as soon as we got there she wanted to sit down so we went for a coffee then she spent about 15mins looking around a shop and AGAIN needed to sit down so we went for another coffee then home?? so sad that she cant manage a few hours out like she used to. I feel guilty as im running out of patience with her and i shouldnt as its not her fault i guess im seeing that shes becoming more and more dependent on me and im finding this overwhelming and a huge responsibility.
I met a woman the other day whos mum has ALS we got talking and she says her mum lives alone but she has family all over and they have a rota so her mum is never alone. I felt so jealous and felt no sympathy for her just kept telling her how lucky she was. she said her mum would never end up in a NH yeh right?
Imagine feeling envious of people who have support from family?