So bedridden father still doesn’t want our mother to drive the car to get groceries and prescriptions... he would rather one of us adult children to come out once every two weeks to get her in our car to drive her fo town for this.. he doesn’t want us to use his car for that.. he has asked her why she didn’t drive their car.. did she do something to it? she told him that “you told me not to”. Now he is obsessing over a hard knot he found in his stomach I guess . He’s fixated on it and says he’s afraid it’s gonna burst or have to go into hospital to get unimpaired ... he also barely eats anymore and is fixated on having a bowel movement that he insists on taking three laxative pills and milk of magnesia and enemas.....only to see almost minimal results... so now he is afraid to stay by himself and wants her to give us the grocery list so she can stay home... she is stuck there 24/7 with him... never gets out of the house unless one of us kids comes every two weeks to get her out of house ... I am not going to let him coerce us into enabling him anymore... she can drive her own car to town 6 miles away.. we three kids don’t live close to our parents ...and whatever father has he can live with it and get over obsessing on it.. we are not letting him have another surgery because he doesn’t recover enough to care for himself. Doubt any dr will perform surgery as he is no longer a good candidate... anyway ... I’m going to inform my siblings that mom can drive herself into town in her own car...and that she will have to figure out something on him.. that’s her husband and her problem.. I can’t make it my problem anymore.. my female sibling is in therapy now because of how dysfunctional our upbringing was and mom was enabling to our father all her life ! Does anyone else have to do this for out of town parents when she is capable of driving herself? She is going to have to drive anyway when he is deceased....
Around the clock caregiving can be physically and emotionally draining. Heck, I wasn't even hands-on with my parents and I crashed and burned twice from all the stress. If you are overwhelming with going every two weeks, imagine what your Mom is going through the 336 hours when you are not there.
I realize your are upset with your Dad, but please don't blame or put more burden on your Mother.
us three kids should not be coming out there every two weeks to drive her into town to do this because he soeNt want his car driven... none of us live close go them ...this was dad’s idea fo do this and I didn’t agree to do this long term. It’s been two years now.... I’m done enabling her to enable him..... nobody I know does this
I hear that you and your sibs have been affected by your upbringing. I know about that myself and had to limit my caregiving to staying at a distance, Are you able to reason with and support your mum regarding her making arrangements to help herself? I gather she can still drive safely. Some places will deliver groceries so that is something that could be looked into. But it sounds like your mum needs to get away by herself once in a while. Are you/your sibs interested in arranging that with her on your own terms - lunch and a haircut or something like that? That way it is you and your mum, and dad is not involved. He will get mad, but what's new? I understand that they have a lifetime together of him treating her like this and you may not be able to make much difference.. I am sorry for what you grew up with. You do need to set boundaries for your own good.
Your Mom probably created this monster long ago and now its going to be hard to set boundries. But she needs to. I assume Dad is on Medication for his anxiety. Maybe he needs a change or something added. The car is not his its theirs. Tell her to just say I'll be back later and leave. I do agree that Mom needs a break and her children could help when u can. And, use their car when you drive her. Dads not using it right? Sitting in the driveway is doing it no good.
You are correct that they need more caregivers, it does not need to be you.
If you are suffering this much, it should not be you, imo. Taking care of yourself should be your priority. It is not healthy for you to be this angry.
However, would you allow your siblings to make their own choices?
Also, I care for my bedridden husband. I do everything but feed him. He has seen dozens of specialists, and not one could give us a reason why he can’t walk. Even HE thinks it’s all in his head. But I still have to take care of him. Which means I wait on him hand and foot. I can tell you it’s a helpless feeling. You get to the point where you just live from minute to minute. If Mom tolerates it because she thinks that without Dad,she'll be out in the streets, she’s wrong. You should go to your local Medicaid office and find out for sure what will happen if she files.
Good luck to you and your sibs. I hope you all find a good solution.