Am I being selfish in asking Mum to move?
Mum lives and sleeps on her couch in the living room. Her boyfriend lives and sleeps on his bed in their bedroom. They've lived together for 20+ years, but they admittedly don't like each other any more. Her boyfriend has always despised me, and made his feelings very clear over the years. He's nice to me now because his daughter refuses to help either of them, and he can't care for himself entirely, much less care for my mum.
I want to move Mum out of his house. I feel taken advantage of after he's treated me so badly all these years (he's always been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me), and now being expected to care for him, when I only agreed to care for Mum. She's resisting the idea because she doesn't want to spend the money (she has hidden from him) in her annuity, and she's afraid that if she leaves, she won't get his house (he left half to her and half to his daughter) and his pension once he dies.
I've enrolled back in school online to finish up a degree, so I don't feel as if I'm completely stagnant in my own life. My degree will also allow me to work from home and bring in the income I'll need to continue caring for her once my 401K is depleted. I've rearranged my entire future to accommodate her.
A little further background: Mum has always lied about me, about my deceased father, about her family, etc. just to gain sympathy ... even from complete strangers. I still have no idea what she told her boyfriend about me (and the rest of my siblings) before I met him to make him despise me (and my siblings) so much. I've never attempted to repair the damage or correct her lies because I got tired of defending myself against my own mother. It's embarrassing and humiliating, and I'm ashamed of what she's done, yet I feel guilty for even telling people the truth about her.
Am I being selfish in asking her to move? And please don't tell me I shouldn't feel obligated to care for her. No matter what she's done, she's still my mum, and I don't have much family left, and I love her, even when I don't like her much.
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That said, I don't see why you let her put you in such a difficult position. If I were you, I would agree to take care of her only if she moves to an environment that's more conducive to you providing help. Your choice is not where she lives. Your choice is to help her or not help her. If you give up your choice, that doesn't obligate her to give up hers.
Well, look. The reasons for her moving out are that she needs proper accommodation where she can be cared for, and those very good reasons are advocated by you, who are doing the caring, and her own doctor, who can't be very impressed that his work is being daily undermined by her living conditions.
The reasons for not moving out, on the other hand, are that she doesn't want to spend her own income on her own accommodation - I'm guessing that she must appreciate that the speculative inheritances (apart from being speculative i.e. dodgy) are not likely to be an issue, if I can put it like that? - and, perhaps, that she's comfortable with this volatile, destructive and rather ill-defined 20 year relationship and is reluctant to admit defeat?
Apart from the obvious things like not having a bed, does her being in this place create any practical problems for you? Would you prefer her to be nearer to you, or are your efforts to make her comfortable sabotaged, anything like that? The reason I ask is that I'm not sure it's worth the enormous trouble you'd have to get her out of there, coupled with the blame and resentment she would be sure to level at you to the end if you did succeed. I don't need to get insulting towards her about it: you have with remarkable moderation recognised your mother's problematic personality and behaviour and are clearly determined to help her as well as she will allow you to in spite of that. So you'll have to work with the unsatisfactory conditions she has imposed on herself, at least until her hand is forced by illness - at which time you delegate her practical care to health and social services and confine your caregiving to emotional support. If she were my responsibility, I'd say the sooner the better, too.
Frankly, if you washed your hands and walked away, I still don't think anyone here would call it selfish. Any help or support you continue to offer speaks highly for your good and non-judgemental heart.
I think the best thing I can do at this point is simply tell her that I'm willing to care for her in my home, if she'd be willing to live there and pay half the bills (which are far far less than the cost of an ALF or a NH). This would also give her the added benefit of being closer to my daughter and grandson; the only other family she has that might be willing to repair and rebuild a relationship with her. Otherwise, she can continue to live here and fend for herself on a daily basis, and I'll visit every other weekend, continue to manage her medications, doctor appts, in-home healthcare, finances, etc.I'll still be accused of being selfish, but it will be her own decision to move, albeit a forced one due to the circumstances. As long as I'm sitting here in their home, she feels no real need or urgency to move or make any decisions. I'll also inform her primary care physician of what I'm doing. He'll likely have her situation evaluated, and someone else will give her the options of moving in with me or moving into an ALF.
Thank you to everyone for your input. I needed a good sounding board. Being in Mum's home isn't healthy for me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I read posts from other people here, and I don't know how they keep their sanity. I know it's common among caregivers, but I'm overwhelmed and stressed and tired and I cry every day. If I'm going to commit myself to caregiving for the remainder of Mum's life, I need my friends and family around me for support and distraction. I can live with Mum believing I'm selfish. I can't live in isolation in a hostile environment with no help or support outside her doctor and home health care workers. I just can't.
Get out at once. That is above and beyond the call of any duty. And won't do anything to budge your mother, what's more. Make a plan to leave, give her the ultimatum, and leave.
I'm going to get practical straight away, because you will need to. This terrible and frightening prognosis does, however, blow out of the water any reservations your mother might have about the boyfriend (I keep having to suppress the urge to put inverted commas round "friend", there, but let that pass) discovering the truth of her financial position. And I can't begin to imagine what hospice is going to make of the stress and sheer lack of comfort of her living arrangements. Why not see if you can find a short-term let on a nice, convenient apartment somewhere near medical facilities and get her in there in short order? She needs her energy for more important things than the war of attrition she's been losing, frankly, with this man for so many years; and you will have your work cut out with more important things than having to shrug off his constant obstructions and demands. Make the rest of her time as good as you can get it, starting with making life as manageable as possible for you.
Again, I'm very sorry for the challenges you and she are facing. Come back often and update us, please.
I understand about the 50 miles. I live on the prairies. The nearest major centre is 5 hrs. drive (about 280 miles) away, We have done it there and back for an appointment though not often and not these days.
Thank you for all the support and understanding and advice. Truly, it's a comfort to have found so many kind people who can relate to what I'm going through.
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