My mom misplaces things in her house . She gets agitated and blames others when she cant find things. When she eventually finds them, I would say "maybe you put it there and just forgot. She gets very defensive and saids no I did not. This has happened with money, purse, checkbook and keys. For some reason she thinks someone will take them and I think she hides them in all different places and just forgets. Her short term memory is bad. I have to repeat myself many times when giving her instructions on things like what time her appts are and upcoming events as she would just repeat the same question to me. She still drives and has no problem getting places. I live 30 minutes away and she has no problem getting here. She goes shopping, doctors, post office, DMV without getting lost. I want to take her to a Geriatric doctor and dont know how to approach the subject without her getting defensive and agitated. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated
I would also make sure that your mom has her Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA, Living Will, etc.in order. I'd keep the original, since she may lose it now that her memory is failing. You can just say that someone you know needed these documents and it was a huge problem when they didn't have them.
Does your mom have any condition that you could use to get her to the doctor? Say, does she need to have blood work done, check on her stiff knee, get flu shot, etc. You might offer to go with her and have lunch afterwards. I don't see how telling her about her concern of her memory is helpful. She's not going to agree and that would make her more resistant. Often people with cognitive decline are not convinced they have it. And she may never accept it.
I might start thinking about long range plans for her care, if it turns out to be cognitive decline. Some people progress slowly and others rather fast. With my cousin's Vascular Dementia, she needed Assisted Living within just a few month of living alone. I'd explore options or if she would be living with a family member. Has she ever told you want her wishes or plans are if she needs around the clock care?
Is there any way you can monitor her finances to ensure that her bills are being paid? And, if you know her neighbors, you might chat with them in private to see if they mention anything about her. Sometimes, we may not see things that others do.
For reminders of appointments, I found using a large calendar hanging in the kitchen was very helpful. Only problem I found with my Dad was that he would forget what day it was... so I bought him a "day clock" that only has one hand and it points to today's day. He found that very helpful.
Having this conversation directly with a parent is not usually a fun experience. No one wants to think their mind is slipping. We do a lot to convince ourselves that we are fine and that something or someone else is to blame. Of course that is common for many of us throughout our lives so why would it be different when it comes to something as important as whether or not our brains may be dying? It is common for the parent to feel attacked, for them to get defensive and for them to make accusations. It is better if you can remain calm even if they escalate. Sometimes it takes having a number of these conversations for a few months before they will agree to go to the doctor. Sometimes the person resists for a longer period of time. And sometimes you have to wait until there is significant decline in the person and they are at a different place mentally before they will agree to see someone.
How much has your mom's home been adapted to her decreasing physical abilities? It's possible to do simplifying and adaptation, one bit at a time, and in keeping with aesthetics, not just adding medical looking adaptations.
When my disabled brother kept losing his key identifications, I found a lime green plastic container for them, that could be visibly seen if those were left out anywhere, and I got him a special file, with clear labels on outside drawers - with labels now for functional separations - not just paperwork. Whatever gets lost repeatedly, can be given a place and system so that it doesn't happen. Organizing for function is a gift, and functions change as we age. I figure we elders forget more, when our choices feel confused, as we try to act as we did, but our strength is less, hearing, eyesight..... with organization help, and also help with upkeep, we can do the simpler activities that feel better at this stage. .
You might consider going with her to an appointment and bringing up these issues. The doctor, especially if he or she is prepped on these issues beforehand, may well recommend a visit to a neurologist or neurocognitive specialist for evaluation.
Please be aware, however, that she just "might not want to know" what she suspects the geriatrician will say, and frankly, that's her right.
As an aside, the PCP will make the determination if perhaps the best doctor to see your mom is a neurologist, as opposed to a geriatrician. In our journey, I found geriatricians useless, just an extra step, a PCP for old people, who would then have to make an appropriate referral.
If she chooses to go to a neurologist, there are meds that help with memory (such as Namenda, which helped my mom dramatically). You should let her know that and it may help her see the benefit of going.
Whatever happens, remember that this is very scary for your mother and she's going to need your support. Try not to say things like "I've already told you 5 times," "you're forgetful," etc. That just makes things worse and makes the forgetful person feel like you're their enemy as opposed to their ally and she needs an ally right now.
In the beginning, ginko biloba helped my mom A LOT, as well as natural supplements (the good ones, not the cheap ones from GNC). There is help for her. If she's too afraid to explore these things, you should do so without her. (Lemon water also help clear the mind for some reason.) What I'm saying is there are options.
As another aside, your mom does not have dementia. Dementia is defined as being "activities of daily living disabled." Alzheimer's is a type of dementia, but not the only type. Activities of daily living are eating, bathing, dressing, transferring, and toileting. If she needs help with two of those, she has dementia. She may have "age related memory loss" or "mild cognitive impairment" and that may (or may not) progress, but right now she does not have dementia. Get all the information you can, ask lots of questions, see what resources are available. Our neurologist gave us a list of 10 web sites like Luminosity that help improve memory. I want you to feel hope. There IS help out there and the people on this forum are also here to help 24/7.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
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