Taking care of my mom, 92 yrs of age in her own home. Has mobility issues, and occasionally high blood pressure, mood swings, and sometimes hears things that are not there. Have spoken to her primary physician on all of the above issues. He has prescribed medication for high blood pressure but that is all. Nothing has been resolved with hearing sounds, mostly at night and sometimes during the day. He suggested memory test but she refuses to go get tested. Has some difficulty using oven but for the most part can heat things up on top of stove and use the microwave. Have lived in her home ever since she had fallen multiple times four years ago.. Got her on a more healthy diet and making sure she takes her medicine regularly. Problem: She gets extremely angry any time I mention visiting my family and grandchildren who live out of state. Dad died in 2003 and left everything to my stepmother (there was a newer will written which she hid and filed an old one that was more to her benefit, but alas since we couldn't prove it, there was nothing we could do).I usually take four days the most for visits, twice a year on average. In two months, I would like to take a ten day vacation but she threatened to call a lawyer to get me out of the house, if I do go. I suggested getting some home healthcare workers to come in to help with light housekeeping. That is all she really needs as she can wash herself. She does not want to hire anyone to help her. Now this controlling issue has been like this ever since I was a child so I'm used to this behavior. She may or may not call a lawyer. It's just her attempt to manipulate me. Am praying over this. I'm her only living relative outside of my grown children who live in other states. Would welcome your thoughts.
Mine has gotten some better in the last two years as she has gotten more frail. I think she is too tired now to be so determined to keep control. Her main control was through angry bullying, which takes a lot of emotional and physical energy. She still does it sometimes, though I don't give in to it. It is usually over things like giving her more laxatives. She absolutely hates me when I won't give her more -- she has been known to take 18-20 in a day if someone doesn't stop her. It is so hard when she does the angry bully thing. It makes me want to give her what she asks for, just to get rid of her. But I can't do that, since she would end up killing herself and I would feel responsible.
Something that is strange in my mother is though she is controlling, she is totally dependent.
Excellent advice "freqflyer" about staying temporarily in an assisted living/nursing home while away. There are many good ones in our area. Problem again, is she has to want to. Four years ago, when she fell multiple times it landed her in the hospital and then two weeks in a nursing home for rehab. She hated it so much that she went on a hunger strike after the first week there. Refused to eat anything except for drinking some 7 UP. Was anti-social. Did not participate in any activities. They also called in a psychiatrist during her stay, that she initially agreed to seeing because of her anger issues. When the doctor arrived, she refused to meet with him. I was in the midst of moving here so was unable to meet with the staff or doctor, so nothing got resolved in that area.
A few of you mentioned getting some packing boxes ready.....that made me laugh, as most of my things have been in boxes for the past four years. Since this is her house, I can't change anything. There are two floors, she lives downstairs and I'm occupying one of the bedrooms upstairs but nothing can be changed.
Would love for her to join me on this trip and I did ask her, but she said she is finished. She did most of her traveling in her 60's and 70's. Family does come here for visits too but they stay in a nearby hotel, which can get expensive. She has a hard time when anyone stays over....gets too nervous, etc.
So there it is....taking care of a loved one is serious business and as I have read from many other posts on this site, there are a lot of legal issues to be aware of. So thank you again for taking the time to respond. Agingcare.com and all the amazing caretakers on this site have been such an encouragement to me. Praying for you all and your loved ones you care for.
For your mother to say you can't leave is being tyrannical. I do understand what you are going through. My mother tells me that she can stay by herself just fine while I'm gone. I know better than that, so it leaves me in the same position that you are in. I cannot understand the attachment that some elders feel to their houses. You can't get them out with a shoe horn.
Buy a few flat moving boxes, tape. Bring them into your room.
Start taping them open, put in a few things.
Then, do it again.
If something at all happens, at the very least you will be ready to move out and get a life. The presence of moving boxes in a home are like serving notice that you have options, choices, and are taking back control. This may be the only recourse to deal with a difficult person who wants to hurt you.
When we are younger we don't really mind being alone, but as we age it is a different story. My Mom [early 90's] didn't like when my Dad was away in rehab for 3 weeks. And I find myself going into a panic when my sig other flies off to visit his family. Funny as I had lived on my own for 10 years prior to meeting him.
See if there is an independent living/assisted living facility that offers "respite" care where your Mom can be for when you are away. Who knows, she might enjoy being there among people of her own age, having her meals cooked and she dines in the common dining room with others, enjoying the activities. It's like a "land cruise", and she might not want to leave :)