My brother is the primary caregiver for my Mom who is 79 with moderate dementia. My sister, myself and other brother come over everyday to help but we are not there 24/7
Today my brother is in a very bad mood and instead of telling him what a great job he is doing, or how hard it must be....
When he started going on about how he thinks this dementia is a "act" Mom is putting on. That she cares more for her dogs than herself. I tried to educate him about the way dementia impacts people. Of course she lights up and responds better when new people come over.. that is showtimers.
Anyway he just blew up and was yelling about it being an act and that Mom does know what she is doing.
I have suggested this site to him and offered books on dementia and dementia care to no avail.
I know I should have been compassionate and understanding but it scares me when he talks like this. saying "I am getting rid of Moms dogs as long as she pays more attention to them than she does to her own needs.
I know it was a mistake but I tired to tell him how lucky we are. My mom is kind, gentle, compliant, does what we ask and doesn't respond or fight back when he is yelling.
I will apologize later he won' hear me right now. But I am worried that his interactions with her are impacted by his belief that this is an act of some kind.
Thanks Jenn.
Thank your brother for all the hard work he does, compliment him on his strength and courage and compassion. Tell him how grateful you are for his wonderful care. Most important give that man sometime to himself, to be something more than a caregiver.
My memory lapses are getting worse and worse. I have no trouble recalling long ago but yesterday...hmmmmmnot so much. Anyway, I don't yet need a live in caretaker but who knows. My point is that your mom is lucky indeed to have her children close enough to give care, but she still yearns to feel LOVED, RESPECTED, ADMIRED and VALUED even if in small increments. A bit of praise once a day would be welcome. You obviously adore her and your brother is getting scared/angry about the reality that he is losing/has lost the "MOM" he once had. She also scared knowing that she can no longer ever BE the MOM she once was. Still, giving him time off every week ( that he can count on) should be a help. But he MUST NOT get rid of her dogs!!!!! He may not understand why she is so devoted to them, but trust me, if they go she will hurry after them. I certainly would.
I used have four dogs, but now am down to two and they also are creaky with age but still can take short walks and fresh air with me., Which I need and enjoy.
Suggestion...Give mom some memory prompts about the years she remembers so well...have her talk, dictate etc. what her childhood was like, how she felt about school, who her first boy-friend was and so on...... She loves those memories and would love to share them.
Blessings on each and every one of you...
I can understand your brothers frustration but hes VERY lucky to have his siblings help out I wouldnt feel bad just listen to him and let him let off steam now and then this isnt easy for anyone. Explain to him that they do play games and know what they are at! Dementia dosnt mean stupid they are very clever at acting differently when other people are around this is infuriating for the caregiver and until my mum dosnt know who we are I dont think my family will wake up to dementia.
Try half agreeing with him. When he says she's pretending, say, "I guess it seems like that sometimes." Give him a hug and a day off, and he'll forgive you. No one is perfect, and I know what you mean that you were scared by his words.
I agree with the posters who think he needs a break from Mom. He will forgive you and you can both get past this. You are doing a wonderful job supporting him with information about the disease. It's not always easy to take in the educational, distant, and detached view, when you're up to your butt in alligators. I'm sure he appreciates the information when he's calm and has time to think about it.
He needs a person who can listen to him spout all the stuff he puts up with, all the anger, disgust, and frustration. A person who will listen without judgement and be supportive. Remember the saying about raising a child, 'it takes a village'? Well it takes a village to care for an old person, too. Bless you both for your generosity.
If your brother is with your mom 24/7 and you other sibs 'visit' - even if you do this daily - it just isn't enough.
I agree with an earlier post - you kids need to take her home 'overnight' at the least and 'for a few days to a week' would be even better. Each one of you should have all the elderly assist equipment on hand in your homes - so that the transition is smooth - no moving, loading/unloading of equipment. All you need to move is mom. You can have everything set up, ready, and waiting when you bring mom home.
Your brother is a saint - but is probably coming unglued under the constant pressure. It happens to the best of us. He needs a REAL BREAK. Care givers just do not get enough BREAKS. I know most don't have the help that you and your sibs are already offering. I commend you for your love and care.
I would guess that he is super stressed and that is why he feels that mom is doing things on purpose and loves her dogs more than herself.
Shoot, I had a friend (who does not have dementia in any form) tell her only son that her dogs loved her more than he did! Now, how silly is that? Her son was a GOOD son to her. But people DO get attached to their animals. Tis life for some.
It sounds like your brother's frustration is building and he just needs a lot more help with mom - and more time for his own life and to be able to get away long enough to do him some real good.
My hubby's siblings have not taken their mom or given us a break in over 8 years. They come and visit a few hours every year or two - but that doesn't help US. Your brother needs regular time off the 'job.' A week minimum - 2 weeks is better. This should be regular and scheduled if at all possible.
As my doctor said to me - will it be CONVENIENT? @%$# NO! But neither is full time care giving!!
When we finally did get away for 2 weeks (we begged/solicited friends and our kids to watch over things here) it took me 3-4 days just to feel relaxed. I enjoyed the next WEEK - It was wonderful - but then the dread came back and took the final 3 days. So, basically, I got a one full, wonderful week out of the two. I know it sounds weird.
So, support your brother as much as you can - interject helpful comments as you have been doing, give him print outs, books, etc. and ALWAYS make him feel appreciated and loved. Let him know how much you love him and how grateful you are for what he is doing for your mother. Hubby's sibs don't call, write or even answer our texts. We have just stopped asking them.
I do believe that dementia and ALZ types of issues must be some of the most difficult to endure and deal with productively and I pray for all you care givers who are caring for someone who has these problems. Bless you all.
See All Answers