My parents always had a rocky relationship. I don't know how much of this behaviour is just an existing dynamic surfacing because I'm there daily, or if it is behaviour resulting from brain deterioration. How much should I tolerate when my mother becomes abusive to my father, who seems hurt and puzzled by it all? I can deal with it when she lashes out at me (try to put it into perspective, and not take it too personally), but it breaks my heart when she does it to my Dad. She also seems to be very jealous whenever my Dad and I have a good time together, or when I focus too much on my Dad's needs versus hers. My Dad seems to be in a very "zen" place, content to be in the moment and he spends a lot of time lost in his memories. He's peaceful and happy, compared to her, and I feel she is toxic to his peace of mind, whether he makes the connection or not. I know not many people are caregiving for both parents with dementia, and it seems to me that this is very specific to that situation. Any advice?
I could not fix it.
You may only be able to monitor it and break it up if it gets abusive, and maybe model a kinder approach. I remember how I wished there was a way to wave a magic wand and make them loveys again...and how bad I felt that my hubby and I did not do more to try to get them to get help and restore or strengthen their marriage before the dementia set in.
Sounds as if he was the hen pecked husband and deserves some special attention. Is there anyone else to help? Could you take your Dad out for a walk in the park while someone visits with your Mom? Can mother still reason? Has she been diagnosed? Sounds like she may be a good candidate for anti-anxiety drugs if she is so easily agitated. Harsh, I know, but sounds like she has made your father her "target".
My only advice to you is to divert her anger elsewhere. Easier said than done, especially if there is one of you and two of them. Best to you!