Boyfriend wants me to move in with him and elderly woman he cares for when we are married. Advice?

You already have an inner voice warning you not to do this. Follow your inner voice, it has a lot of common sense, is not blinded by love nor overwhelmed by hormones and emotion. It's not about losing him. A man who loves you will respect your need for independent security and not ask you to give it up so he can control your life and inherit two condos.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is currently "available" to date seriously or to make future commitments. He is "married" to his job. It is a noble job, but it consumes him nonetheless.

Do you want it to consume yours?

If you were dating a workaholic with a different profession, how would you feel about tying your life to his?

No. Just no. Bad idea. I agree with the ladies above. everything they say. Always listen to your gut - a woman's intuition is rarely wrong.

If he loves you and wants to marry you - fine, marry you, get your own home as a couple and she is a job that he works his hours at and comes home to his wife from.

But, as Pam and Jeanne have said...a man who REALLY TRULY loves you will put YOU first. I speak from experience.

Good luck.

I think you already know that the answer to this is DON'T DO IT!!!!! It's not like your boyfriend's job is being a nurse at a nursing home. He has a very complicated (and frankly WIERD) relationship with an older woman to whom he is not related. When you marry, one of the vows is, "forsaking ALL OTHERS," which would (and SHOULD) include this woman. She is not his mother, and even if she was I'd demand that he cut the umbilical cord. The fact that he intends to maintain this strange relationship after marriage tells me you should RUN!!!

You say you're 34. Is your dream for your life to have a loving husband and a family? In your own home? Where his priority is you and the kids? Or have you always dreamed of marrying a nice guy who has a complicated relationship with an older woman to whom he is not related who will be his #1 priority for financial reasons while you and your children come in #2 or lower? Think about it. As I said, you already know the answer. You just want someone here to tell you to go for it and everything will be OK. Well, it won't.

Since you're educated and have an income, the first thing you need to do is to sit down with a family attorney or an elder care attorney by yourself and figure out the pros and cons of what he's proposing. You need to protect yourself as your first priority. Five months seems like a pretty short time to have known someone and to be moving to marriage talk, particularly with his unusual situation.

Based on what you've said, I can't get a read on whether he's a noble guy who's trying to help an elderly woman or whether he's basically in it for the two condos. Of course it could be a combination of the two. What was his job before he got into this arrangement? Why didn't she want her son to help her? Has your boyfriend been married before? Something about this makes me very uncomfortable, but I can't quite put my finger on it until you give us more detail.

My biggest feeling is to take your time until you feel very comfortable with your decision, whatever that may be.

You haven't even dated for 5 months. This isn't a good situation. Do not move in.

I have a daughter who'll be turning 34 in November. If she were in a similar situation and came to me for advice I'd ask her one question, and caution her to think well before she answers: Do you absolutely believe he respects you? In your post you mention love and compatibility...both good beginnings in a relationship. But deep, honest, mutual respect is the foundation upon which every solid, long lasting relationship has ever been built. Without respect, love can fade, compatibility can become strained. Just going by what you've written here I get a strong sense that he is NOT respecting your hopes and wishes, and I think your intuition is already telling you something's hinky about the whole situation. Like Pam said, listen to your inner voice.

I think your intuition is telling you that there are some bad (and very peculiar) issues with this situation. Just the fact that he gives you an ultimatum to move there tell sme he's more committed to his decisions than to any marriage.

He's not asked, but rather demanded that you make sacrifices. Marriage requires flexibility on both sides and often sacrifices from both parties. What sacrifices is he willing to make?

The concept of keeping a home just in case you have to move back is not good sense financially or personally. It's a contingency that's not consistent with making a commitment to a marriage.

I have to ask the question: what in fact would be the advantage, if any, to marriage? He's clearly made this woman his priority ahead of any potential wife. And there's something peculiar about this commitment, well beyond just compassion.

He has 3 caregivers but he's still tied to the woman? Something is strange about his attitude. My first thought as I began to read your post was that he's recuiting an unpaid giver cum wife and that you're going to be stuck sharing the caring responsibilities.

I wonder if he really wants a wife, has an extreme controlling personality, or there's something else going on with him.

In what area is his degree? Has he completely given up his professional life?

If he dies, I don't see a way the woman's family could make legal claims to your house as long as you hold title as sole owner, but I think they would force you to move out or her condo, or make life miserable for you Why even take that chance?

There are just too many strange and peculiar demands to his relationship to consider this plan seriously.

Listen to your instincts; they're red warning flags.

I've read the others' advice and know it is good. But something inside me says that this could work out. The only obstacle i see is making sure the children have a place to play when you have children. You may want to keep your own house separate from his name in case there are any bad feelings in his family. Anything that is outside the marriage is beyond their reach.

This is an unusual circumstance, but if your fiance is doing a good job and the living arrangements are good, then I see no problems until children come along. It is a retirement community and not set up for children, so you and your fiance would have to work something out.

If you love the man and know he's the right one, I know you'll be able to work it out.

I have to say red flags went up when I read your post. Marriage talk after less than 5 months??? Presumably he has given up his profession to cook for this lady four days a week and that has him exhausted??? There are other caregivers and he is tied there day and night??? Medical and financial POA does not tie you to a person day and night, nor require you to cook for someone. He wants marriage and children and for you to give up your house to move into a retirement community to do this in a house where you do not have complete privacy and where there is no room for your stuff???

There are more complications than the caregiver next door - the son for one thing. The relationship he has with this lady is very strange, in my opinion, and overly dependent both ways.

You are not being narrow minded - you are seeing some very real problems. A woman needs to have her own home - not be in a home which is driven by the needs of another woman. I think you need to be very cautious. You are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. Having master's degrees in the same field does not necessarily mean compatibility. I would never agree to moving into the condo. It does not meet your needs nor would it meet the needs of any children. I do not understand why he does not see than. It is completely possible for him to have POA, cook meals 4 days a week. and live apart from this lady, All the stairs of the condo would make life very hard for you if you moved in and had children. He is not considering your needs, but rather putting the relationship with this lady, and presumably what he will get from her, ahead of you. No woman can tolerate that for long, and I don't think you will be happy if you do.

Take time and don't rush into things, your relationship is still very new. I am sure you will be learning great lessons in the months ahead as you watch this complicated situation reveal more and more issues. knowledge is power, it will make you strong enough to make the right decisions in your life. There will always be more choices ahead, just wait and see.

Red alert!!! If for no other reason....you can't have children in a retirement community. Generally against the rules. You would be evicted. This is not a situation that is going anyplace good.

you can go thru life without taking many risks but if you do it probably wont be much of a life.
i think the risks should be shared mutually tho ..
i think hes either a staunch and dedicated person or a con man with his eye on the old gals money , you just have to figure out which it is.. complicated.. if he does have his eye on a reward for his services at least hes willing to work hard and earn it.. elders need care , caregivers suffer financially to provide it..

I so appreciate everyone's advice. This is such a peculiar situation that I have no previous basis from which to operate. I did want to clarify things a bit:

Firstly, we are definitely NOT talking about marriage! The conversation we had was just a general 'what are your goals in life' type of conversation, and this issue came up. I would not be ready or willing to marry him or anyone else until we'd dated at least a year, maybe longer. I am very happy in my own home, I have my career, and I take care of myself. When we first started dating, I asked him probably on the third date, if he was obligated to live with this lady (who I'll call Sally) for as long as he took care of her. He told me he was not obligated to live with her, so I didn't see any red flags in the beginning. We both have masters degrees in the mental health field, and I actually have dual licenses as a mental health and substance abuse therapist - I actually have more education than he does in terms of my work experience and license. My bf used to be very big into macrobiotic cooking/eating. He was a speaker at this event 4 years ago about this topic, and he met Sally. At the time, she was very independent, lived on her own, and had been eating macrobiotically for years. For whatever reason, she felt she could trust him, and asked him to take care of her if anything happened. The initial setup was that she lived in her own apartment, and he lived in his own apartment. Her functionality declined, and they ended up deciding to buy this condo together (she paid for most of it) so he could be more available to her. He wanted his name to be on the deed, so that he would have security and could not be kicked out at a moment's notice. She is much more dependent now than she was 4 years ago. Part of the deal was that he would cook macrobiotically for her, since that is a big part of her life. I'm not sure if anyone is familiar with this, but it takes a long time to prepare macrobiotic meals. Thus, he is tied to the kitchen/home mon-thurs.

My bf has been married twice, both marriage lasted 2 years, the last marriage ended about 11 years ago.

A few months after we started dating, my bf was going over the budget with Sally and she commented that 'I don't know what's going on around here anymore'. He then became worried that she would want to get out of thier arrangement, and he felt he needed to be at home and more involved (he used to spend the night with me but rarely does so now). So now he basically feels like he needs to stay the night there and basically just be a 'presence', despite having the caregiver who lives next door. I believe he has a strong fear that if he is not very careful to make sure she sees that he is involved in her life, she may want to 'fire' him, if you will. He has no savings and has not worked in the field for 10 years, so he really doesn't have references or recent work experience. In this job market, he would probably have to start at the bottom; however, I have encouraged him to get licensed so he could do private practice. He told me that he doesn't want to work for someone else. I'm not really sure why. I know that sound weird, because he is in effect working for this lady. However, he hired the caregivers that work with her, so he is also thier boss. He would like to make money from his music (he and a friend have a small band). I believe he is constantly afraid that if she fires him, he will have no money or house (which would be true). Which is why I think he feels he must live with her in the same house. She is showing some cognitive deficits and paranoia, and has misinterpreted many comments.

He doesn't seem to enjoy the job, and sometimes says things like 'great sacrifices means great rewards'. On the other hand, he tries really hard to make her happy and says he wants her to have a good quality of life. He told me he made this committment,and he feels like he has to live with it. I think it would be very hard for him to go back on his word. He told me when we first started dating that it is very important for him to have a family, and he told me last night that our relationship was his first priority, and that we would work something out that made us both happy.

Regarding Sally's son, thier relationship is unclear to me. My bf says that she just doesn't trust her son, and apparently thier relationship has always been conflictual. Supposedly she was also difficult to live with - domineering, strict, etc. So I'm not really sure what's going on there. He lives in a different state and hasn't show much interest in visiting her or having her come visit.

My bf has never asked me to take on a caregiving role with this lady.

I agree with what everyone's said - it sounds like a nightmare to have nowhere to put my stuff and to try to walk up and down stairs with an infant or a stroller with no yard and goose poop all along the road.

At this point, I really agree with what windover said - to just see how things go, its still early, and trust that more about the situation will reveal itself, and to make choices based on more information. Well-said!

Thanks again everyone!

Two marriages, each of which only lasted 2 years is to me another red flag, and this happened well before he met the woman he's caring for. Putting it bluntly, given his commitment to this woman and unsuccessful marriages, why would you even be considering a long-term relationship with him?

There are people who develop caregiving psychoses - you probably know more about this than I. Maybe he's one of these - compulsive caring for this woman even though she's not a relative.

I don't recall seeing anything about how old she is.

"He then became worried that she would want to get out of thier arrangement, and he felt he needed to be at home and more involved (he used to spend the night with me but rarely does so now)."

This speaks volumes to his long term intentions. Why is he so concerned about this arrangement and losing whatever income he gets from it? Even if he hasn't practiced professionaly in 10 years, he's not alone. Think of all the women who put their careers on hold while raising children. I think there's something more to this issue of being so reliant on what for someone with a masters degree is not really a good professional choice. Apparently he doesn't plan on working after she dies, either?

The fact that he "felt he needed to be at home" also speaks volumes for his commitment to her and not to you or a potential mate. I'm beginning to think Captain is right - he has his eye on her assets.

Again, sorry to be so blunt but your second post provides more insight into the situation but to me raises more red flags. However, since you do want to stick it out, be careful and protect yourself, legally and financially.

I am sorry but the hair on my head just stood up. I get a bad feeling. This sounds like a possibly mentally and physically abusive relationship waiting to happen just as soon as you two say I do. I think he is tired of the caregiving but continue to do so with the expectation of a financial windfall. Potentially from you as well if you do not protect yourself. I am sorry but if you were my daughter, I would say hold what you got and keep looking.

Do you like this lady? Would you happily make caring for her part of your life too? Should he really be doing this instead of the woman's family?

Your additional information raised more red flags for me as well. It sounds like the lady needed someone to control with money (her son evidently wasn't too interested or didn't like that kind of control so keeps his distance). Your boyfriend is looking for some financial security by an arrangement with an older woman. The only difference between him and a female gold digger is there's no sex involved. And that's fine since they both get what they want/need out of the deal.

But it doesn't set you up for much fun or security. And his two previous short-term marriages are also huge red flags for me. I agree with answry and gardenartist. I wouldn't say end the relationship, but keep your options open. He doesn't sound like a good long-term partner to me. I'm also afraid he'd look to you to be his meal ticket since he doesn't want to work for anyone else when this lady passes on.

Babalou is right, when the old lady dies he won't be able to live in a senior community unless he is 55 or older, those are federal regulations for HOPA. It's not even up to the Homeowner Association, its the feds. No can do.

Do you hear your clock ticking? Do you really want a family? How much more time are you willing to devote to "seeing how things go" before you move on to a less complicated relationship?

It sounds like he has cards he will never openly show to you. I agree with all the above. Overcome whatever weakness is in you that attracts you to this person and run the other way! Come back and tell us about a better date!

If for some reason you choose a permanent relationship with him, I recommend that before you marry, you sign a prenuptial agreement. That your house will remain yours. If you have a favorite relative, I'd Will the house to that person. Maybe, down the line, like past 5 years of marriage, then you can change your Will to put his name on it.

My question to you is this... what is he going to do, when she's no longer here? He has no work experience and he basically told you straight out that he won't work for anyone. How else will he get an income? He cannot be an employer or own his own company if he has not had work experience for the past 10 years. Because he's being so picky, how will he support himself? You.

I don't think anything we write or caution is going to make a difference. Reading over the posts, thinking over the situation, I think Maverick was looking for support for her position of sticking it out with this guy rather than advice.

It's not my intention to be cruel, or caustic, but there are too many hidden issues involved, not the least of which is her inconsistent postion:

Title of her post:

"Boyfriend wants me to move in with him and elderly woman he cares for when we are married. Advice?" Notice she writes "when", not "if"?

In her second post she states:

"Firstly, we are definitely NOT talking about marriage!"

The title seems to present a conclusive position, that they will be married. Yet the clarification contradicts that. Given the eloquency of her posts, I don't think this is just an error. She's far too articulate to make such a mistake.

I'm sure there are also more issues at play in this relationship than have been addressed here. And there are more people who honestly need and seek help to whom attention could be given.

Jeez, walk away.

Run away, and I mean far away , from this situation. It's obvious to me that your boyfriend is putting this elderly charge first and you, my dear, will not be elevated to that place until she dies. I think your emotions are clouding your reasoning---whenever you have the slightest twinge of gut reaction, that is a warning. When you become a spouse to someone, you are the person that should be first in any and all situations.

Run away

Something just doesn't sound right….too much Lifetime channel dramarama.

We've had trolls before. There was a doozy of one awhile back from someone doing "research" for a class. Just saying'……..

Igloo, interesting that you should raise the issue of trolls. I thought of this myself and did some research yesterday to see if this post showed up on other forums. Sometimes trolls hit a lot of the same type of forums.

I found a whole page of hits, but I think it's due to Google's method of picking up links. Today I searched on the same parameters and got not hits.

What surprised me what that yesterday I found a post with the exact same title allegedly posted a few years ago. But the alleged source didn't have the post - just a lot of old stuff.

Still, I had been wondering as well if this whole post was just fabricated to manipulate responses.

You have only been dating 5 months. What is the rush to move in with him. continue maintaining your independence and give it a year or two Things change quickly so who know what will happen in a year. If you are happy dating him they just date him for a while. When and if the time is right, you'll know what to do. In the meantime, enjoy just spending time with him.

Corrections (oh, if only there were edit functions for these posts!)

I found a whole page of hits, but I think it's due to Google's method of picking up links. Today I searched on the same parameters and got NO hits.

What surprised me WAS that yesterday I found a post with the exact same title allegedly posted a few years ago. But the alleged source didn't have the post - just a lot of old stuff.

Sorry for not catching the typos.