Hi guys. I (42f) am dating a man (40m) for 6 months now. At first it was going okay up until it was time to ask him how he lived, where he lived. I think these are the simple questions while dating but I was wrong.
His mom lives in his basement but still uses the house. Thing is my boyfriend won't talk about how a future looks. He kinda lied at first and dodged questions about his living situation. He feared that I would dump him once I found out he lives with his mom and that he's in a lot of debt from buying his house. (A whole other situation that I should walk away from now).
Also, his house is a wreck. Missing doors, mold, mildew. His older brother and sis in law destroyed the house in domestic disputes when he let them live there. They never fixed his house never paid for repairs.
I'm kinda aware of what it could take to take care of a parent. My BF kinda dodges the issue. I have brought it up but it's like he wants to turn a blind eye to what it will take to bring another woman into his life. And what care for his mom looks like. She depends on him for a lot. And she'll need more help as she ages. I don't know if he thinks about this. He seems to be in lalaland. Living with his mom was a last minute rushed decision almost 5 years ago. I'm the first woman he's dating since and he's not ready for me.
I don't know how to help him. I think I'll just break up with him soon cause he is not open about his home life and it's weird that his friends have never been to his house and he's one person around them and different when he's home. His home life depresses him. It's odd that he didn't think about everything before moving his mom in. He's a great guy but he's never ready to talk about his mom or home life. He lives two lives. The one he shows the world and then the mess at home. This sucks but I don't know how he will have kids (I'm almost out of time for fertility) and take care of his mom. I feel bad that I'm thinking of breaking up but if he can't talk about his mom and home life then I'm out.
Why do you feel bad breaking up with him? He needs to fix his life before he can bring someone else into it in good conscience. If he isn't willing to make his woman #1 over his Mom, then he's got his priorities screwed up. You can read plenty of sob stories on this forum from women and men whose spouses make their parent #1 over them.
Leave him to himself and don't feel bad. He's had 40 years to figure things out.
You are searching for someone to settle down with and have a family.
Fine, but don’t settle for a man who isn’t interested in a relationship with you. He’s already committed to a woman, his mom!
Unfortunately, you met a man that you thought could be a potential partner. You may be infatuated with him, but you don’t know him.
This guy’s behavior was totally deceptive. He hid the truth from you.
Look at his behavior as a HUGE RED FLAG!
If I were in your shoes I would cut my losses and move on.
You didn’t cause his behavior. You aren’t responsible for fixing his behavior.
By the way, don’t you wonder how many times he’s pulled this stunt before?
Don’t be the one who fell for this trap. He’s a phony. He’s not the guy that you are looking for.
Leave now. Don’t look back. Make sure that one day this guy will be nothing more than a distant memory.
Wishing you all the best.
Thats quite the role reversal of the usual stereotype.
Run
Most women would addressed his living situation at the first coffee date and then just friendzoned him afterward. Thats probably why he hasn’t dated for five years before you, and you’re not his savior.
More importantly, I think that YOU have the picture.
I was once, about 7 decades ago. given the BEST advice.
I didn't know at the time it was about the best advice I would EVER be given, but it has turned out to be the case.
I was told that in the BEGINNING of a relationship we already know what will end it.
For me, that has proven true.
I will leave you to your own hard-fought, hard-lived lessons.
Mine took EIGHTY ONE years so far, and I am still only beginning to learn.
That’s all you need to know . Move on to greener pastures .
This.
This man's canoe may be caught in the reeds at the riverbank. I suppose it depends if he can find his oars.. 🛶🛶
You may need to paddle on, solo.
1) This is a very risky relationship for you. There are more things wrong than right, even now early on. “He lives two lives. The one he shows the world and then the mess at home”. You started this with 'the one he shows the world’. If you marry, or go permanent, you will be living ‘the mess at home’. It doesn’t seem very attractive.
2) Last chance for a baby – that’s risky too. My daughter in her late 30s, with a new husband just over 40, had a ‘last chance’, and I have a great grandson. However he is a difficult kid, very very active, wants to be up and doing all the time, strongly kinesthetic rather than a quiet reader. He is not the child that daughter or son-in-law should have had, particularly as a late baby. They aren’t saying they wish they hadn’t had him, but honestly they don’t need to spell it out. Make your life as good as you can, whatever you choose, but don’t assume that a baby will make your life better.
Best wishes, Margaret
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
The foundation of a successful relationship is trust, openness, and shared goals. I don't see that here.
Listen to your instincts and walk away.
DO NOT let yourself get sucked into your boyfriends dysfunctional world. He's in no shape to bring any woman into his life.
What would you tell a girlfriend if she shared what you have with us? I'd bet a million dollars that it would be to RUN away as fast as you can. So there is your answer.
This is not a man (boy) that you want to waste (yup waste) your time with.
You can not change him. (Never a good idea going into a relationship needing to change the person)
He will not change.
He has already been dishonest with you
You said it...he is not ready for you or anyone else at this time and maybe never.
Could it be that you feel like you have invested so much in this guy that you don’t want to let him go?
If so, rethink this whole scenario. He pulled a bait and switch on you. He isn’t who you thought he was.
So, you lost six months of your life with someone who is incredibly sketchy.
Was he vague about his life from the beginning? Or, do you feel that he intentionally misled you to believe that he was something that he isn’t?
No matter what the circumstances are, it stinks, but it’s actually a blessing in disguise.
Finding out the truth now is far better than being deceived by someone who you thought could have been a potential partner.
Think about this experience as dodging an inevitable divorce down the road.
You’re going to look back at this one day and thank your lucky stars that you left when you did.
A very good friend of mine was engaged. Her wedding invitations were in the mail. He ended things at the last minute. She was crushed. No one could console her. I just let her be to lick her wounds.
It took a while for my friend to get over this guy. She remains single. She never had children. She’s content with her life.
Ha! Sometimes, she will say to me, “I have seen so many of our friends get divorced. I’m glad I never got married!”
I know that you would like a husband and a child. I understand that.
Please know that you can have a complete life without having a spouse and child. Or, you can have a child without having a mate. Many single women become mothers on their own.
You have options. You definitely don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t worthy of you.
Take care.
Your idea of breaking up is a good one. He's positioning you to be a caregiver for his mommy. What usually happens then is that boyfriend disappears and woman is stuck with mom, the house, and all that goes with it.
You could find someone better than this guy. Please do it, and I'm sorry you've had this experience. Getting out while you still can will open other doors with more possibilities for you. Good luck.
I think its time to say goodbye. I would not even consider him a BF. Just a man u have been dating for 6 months.
It would be better not to have kids or to have them via a sperm bank than with a failed relationship that you’d be tied to for 18 years if you two had a kid together.
The wrong man - but a man vs donor sperm & single parenthood vs moving on regardless in your life, child or not.
I guess.. what is your main priority at this time in your life?
Companionship?
Possible parenthood?
Finding a good match for a long-term spouse?