My mom is on hospice and will pass soon. I am the caregiver of my dad in another state since she has been terminal. Dad does not understand her sickness, and does not think he is married to @the lady who is in the hospital. He does miss his wife, but his memories are of 35 years ago. He needs 24/7 care. Should I fly to the memorial service so he can be there. Crowds upset him as does any change in routine. But in some level he knows something is going on. He cries and wonders why he is even at my house and not home. Advice please
Personally? I probably wouldn't take him. I'd be afraid the change in routine would turn into a nightmare for YOU.
I also don't think I would even tell him when she does pass. Either he won't understand or he'll be devastated.
Instead bring a photo of her (if you haven't already) and keep it in his room.
I'm so sorry to learn about your mother; I hope you are able to find some peace during this sad time of life.
Personally I don't see anything to be gained by taking him, but I would discuss it with the doctor who is following his dementia.
Hugs to you. Whatever you decide will be OK.
On the other hand, a close friend did take her advanced AD mother to her father's funeral; everyone was aware of the mother's condition, made allowances, and the formal service went well. I don't know whether the structure of the service, the church atmosphere and people's dress perhaps made it make some sort of sense to this lady? If so, perhaps she did take some meaning from it. And I agree with Ronnie that propriety says your father should go if possible.
I like the responses that tell you there isn't a wrong answer, only your best judgement at the time, and that you must do your best then stop worrying. You have enough to deal with. I'm sorry for all you're going through.
But I need to apologize for the typos in my message. I find it hard to proofread in these tiny response boxes. Of course I also need new glasses.
What did you decide to do?
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