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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I doubt you can convince her that she needs the aid. Could you try something like, "The ALF insists that when their residents leave the grounds they need to be accompanied by a licensed assistant" ? Or "Of course you would be OK without the aide, but I'm getting a little worried about my balance and I want to make sure someone else could help you if I have to sit down."
Agree with her that she doesn't "need" the aide but try to convince her that the aide needs to come with you anyway.
I like jeannegibbs and AmyGraces ideas and approach. Once upon a time I was able to take my mother out with my adult disabled son coming along. Now I could no more do that than I could fly. In fact, now I can't even take my mom out - just the two of us. One of those little mysteries in life is why my mother will do things - like bear weight and help get herself in and out of a car for her hired "companion" but for no one else. Sorry, I digress- given your mothers age I'm guessing you're getting up there in years yourself - sorry, no offense intended. So put it on you - you hurt your back, your knee, whatever - and just tell your mom if she going to go out with you, you have to have the help of the caregiver or the outing will be impossible. Then just do it. If mom kicks up a fuss, skip an outing or two and re-explain why.
Jeanne has a good idea. There is no way to convince someone that age that they even have accidents, or to convince them they need help. My mother was in her late 90's when she did the same. Arguing and resisting is the only tool left in the box for them since they are powerless and physically weak and mentally confused. Mom refused help up until the age of 100 and only accepted it then because she was wheelchair/bedridden. When Mom got stubborn and argued, we found the best thing to do was not even ask her if she wanted help, we just did it whether she liked it or not (and she soon forgot what she was fighting with us over)
Remove all her regular underwear and replace it with Depends or whatever brand you are going to use. Many of them are colored pink for women so it will still look like "pretty underwear" If she asks about her other underwear just tell her it is in the laundry. Keep her drawer or wherever she keeps her underwear filled with the incontinence product. I would put enough for using one or two a day in the drawer so you can monitor that she is in fact changing them daily.
Mthr's home said it was time for Depends, and to simply take the other undies away. My DIL recently had a baby and had some left from the post-partum time, so I brought those in to show mthr. I told her these were a gift from xx, because all the young girls are wearing these now so they don't have to do laundry and we all know how much she dislikes to do her laundry. I explained that if they get wet or dirty, you just throw them away because it's cheaper (little fib: the home does not let them do laundry, but not about the price of depends - they are cheaper than her breaking a hip doing laundry). I took the undies to "donate to charity." No argument, and she's been on a subscription to Sam's brand ever since.
Sunnygirl, I really like the idea about telling mom that the aide needs the work! That is one thing that really will affect many old folks, and that is giving work to those in need.
Is she only having accidents when on outings? I would think that they would put her in Depends in the AL for everyday use if she's incontinent. That's what happened with my cousin. After repeated inability to notify someone she had to use the bathroom, they had the doctor write a script for them.
Also, we learned to double the Depends when she left the facility and take extras and a change of clothing, along with wipes, plastic bag, etc. We had a huge accident at the dentist office. I had to go next door and purchase Depends, clean up supplies and a pair of pants for her to put on. Lesson learned on that one.
While I certainly understand 1RareFind's suggestion and I have received similar suggestions on disciplining compliance, stating that she will have to go into a NH if she does not comply is taken as a threat by seniors who are struggling to maintain their independence and dignity. Threats increase fear which increases resistance, agitation and lack of trust in someone who is already feeling very vulnerable. Plus if she does eventually have to go into a NH it will have vestiges of punishment not a positive thing. If the senior has dementia it is hard to reason logically since dementia impedes reasoning and short term memory does not allow for retained explanations. When my mother acts out I do stay away, but without threats and she gets to missing me and then behaves better so that I won't mysteriously go away. Threats backfire when used on my mom, she digs her heals in deeper. I find the gentler approaches to the situation as given by jeannegibbs, AmyGraces, murphyclm, Hugemom, and Grandma1954 work best for me. I explain I can't manage on my own (bad shoulder), and just slip things in that she needs (like exchanging the undies for pretty adult depends and such. We don't want to treat them like children who are dominated- they resent that and after living 90+ years, they have earned whatever respect and dignity that can be given.
1rarefind, I just want to point out that Lacypeach's Mom is already at a facility. Lacypeach covered those questions a few messages down from her original post. She writes:"She is 99 years old and living in an assisted living facility with a full time aid."
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I doubt you can convince her that she needs the aid. Could you try something like, "The ALF insists that when their residents leave the grounds they need to be accompanied by a licensed assistant" ? Or "Of course you would be OK without the aide, but I'm getting a little worried about my balance and I want to make sure someone else could help you if I have to sit down."
Agree with her that she doesn't "need" the aide but try to convince her that the aide needs to come with you anyway.
Besides incontinence, what are her impairments? Why does she need a caregiver?
If she asks about her other underwear just tell her it is in the laundry.
Keep her drawer or wherever she keeps her underwear filled with the incontinence product. I would put enough for using one or two a day in the drawer so you can monitor that she is in fact changing them daily.
Also, we learned to double the Depends when she left the facility and take extras and a change of clothing, along with wipes, plastic bag, etc. We had a huge accident at the dentist office. I had to go next door and purchase Depends, clean up supplies and a pair of pants for her to put on. Lesson learned on that one.
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