I had to quit my job to care for my Mother and my brother does nothing to help! Any advice?

You are trying to save her assets while giving up an income and depleting yours, where is the sense in that? When the day comes and brother is left an equal share of the estate will you still feel that saving her assets was worth it?

If your mother has assets, either they should be used to pay you or they should be used to fund her care in a facility. Your mother needs to be competent in order to sign a caregiver agreement, I believe.

You have her attorney draw up an agreement right now, to compensate you. Don't wait until she is gone and then expect something from the estate, because it NEVER happens that way.

Since he's working and you're not, he can contribute financially. Do a financial assessment, present it to him and ask when he can start paying.

I don't know what an attorney could do, but if you do want legal advice, an elder law attorney would be the best. Contact your local attorney's bar association and get a list of them, or google elder law attorneys in your area. Contact more than a few to get as much of an idea as you can whether you'd be comfortable with them. (Ask about a free first consultation, hourly rates after that, whether or not they would include paralegals to minimize the cost of any work they did, etc.)

Not all of them are good attorneys. Check their website as well; sometimes you can get a hint of what kind of people they are through the website. Some brag so much it's obvious they're in love with themselves.

BTW, is the dog avatar your own dog, and if so, what kind is it? It looks like it's party Huskie and perhaps part wolf - beautiful dog!

Maybe you could get Mom to come to the eldercare attorney with you and he or she could explain that you are not trying to destroy the family, just trying to make long-term caregiving financially viable for you, as you hoep she will live longer than 6 mnths, and you'd prefer NOT to put her into a care facility. Has she given you medical and/or financial POA?

Get an elder-care attorney to come to your mom's location, and fill out DPOA, will and most importantly, a Caregiver Contract. You will need 2 neighbors or other persons to be witnesses. Make sure the Caregiver Contract specifies you are to perform 24/7 health care duties as well as housekeeping, financial, paperwork, driving to & from doctor visits, spiritual, etc, including being in charge of hiring additional workers as needed---essentially you are not only Caregiver, but a Caregiver Manager as well. This way, your mom can pay you, and if you also have the DPOA set up, you can write yourself a check to pay, as specified in the Caregiver Contract. Also, go to your mom's bank with her and get signing rights to her checking account. Or at the very least, have her by your side while you set up an online banking access, so you can perform the paperwork duties online. Also consider that Social Security does not accept the DPOA that the attorney will have set up. You will want to preserve whatever bank account is currently receiving her Soc Sec checks, and set up online access for that account, to monitor, use for your mother's needs, and pay the Caregiver Contract. Very important---Keep METICULOUS records, even if it is a running log on an old-fashioned stenographer's pad, keep all receipts, make photocopies of all checks, print out every single transaction on mother's accounts, and put them all in a 3-ring binder in date order. Maybe divide some of them up into different binders. In short, you deserve to be compensated for all you are doing, BUT, you need a Contract, DPOA, Will, and online access to make it all happen. GET that contract, before it is Too Late!

lonewolf, your brother is not under any obligation to provide care for your mother. The decision you made to leave your job was your choice. Your brother chose to go on with life as is. There is really nothing you can do to make him participate physically or financially in caregiving. Anything he does is because he chooses to do it.

I know you need to work. You have your own SS and retirement to consider. If your mother is opposed to paying you, then what you said about finding a facility for her is a good option. It would be nice if people could just quit their jobs to take care of parents, but most cannot afford to do that.

Is your brother your only sibling? If so, then you really have no siblings (though your Mom does have two children). Realize you have no brother. I think it is easier to move forward when this is stated to yourself. That's been my experience. Good luck with all.

Lonewolf, I can COMPLETELY relate! I, too, have a brother who wants nothing to do with caring for and/or supporting my 84 yr. old mother. I got laid off in 2010 & had to take a job making $12,000 less per year & was scraping down to my last dime just to pay the mortgage, utilities & food. Thankfully, even though Mom was living in my house, she was able to safely be at home alone & paid for her own expenses. Over the past 2 years Mom has become increasingly more anxious, especially when left alone, & I was inundated with panic-stricken phone calls at work 5 or more times per day. Thank God I had VERY understanding bosses or I would have lost my job a LONG time ago! It was clear that something had to change but Mom would not allow me to hire someone to sit with her ("I don't want some stranger coming into our home!) and ADAMANTLY refused to even consider an assisted living facility. My days off, vacations & weekends were consumed with staying with her or having to take her everywhere I went. If I wanted some "alone time" or a chance to go somewhere without her I had to BEG my brother to stay with her. *If* I could get him to stay with her, he was sure to make certain that I knew what an inconvenience & irritant it was to him and I had to do some special favor for him in exchange. He had no interest in hearing about what I was going through because "you should just force her into a nursing home". No amount of explaining could get it across to him that I was stuck between a rock & a hard place because I couldn't even *begin* to afford to stay home with her, I couldn't go on with the multiple calls at work or I *would* lose my job & that I couldn't "force" her into AL or an NH since she was competent enough to say she didn't want to go. I ended up selling my home & buying a new one 900 miles away where my expenses are such that I could afford to work only part-time. My brother was angry that "you're breaking up the family", "you're not going to have anyone to help if you move" & he'd "probably never see her again before she died". Breaking up what family? I can't get you to sit with her for 2 hours, take her to a doctor appointment or even balance her checkbook for her. I don't see you doing much "family". Won't have any help if we move? I don't have any help NOW....see above reasons. Won't see her again before she dies? Funny, your car can drive the same roads to here as mine did. So, if you don't see her again before she dies, it's because you wouldn't put the time, effort & a little gas money into making the trip!

Anyway, now that I've reduced my work hours & have been home more, Mom wants me to be home FULL-TIME. She gets $2200 in SSI, IRA disbursements & pension & wants to pay me $2000 in rent per month so that I can afford to be at home full-time. I basically provide exactly what an AL facility would - cook all meals, wash her clothes, manage her medications, manage her money, drive her to appointments, etc. The $2K that she'll pay me in rent will pay for the mortgage, property tax, homeowner's insurance, vehicle insurances, gasoline, electric, satellite TV, entertainment expenses (movie tickets, meals out, etc.), & food and medicines for BOTH of us. My CPA says it's all legit expenses in Medicaid's eyes as long as I have her sign a rental agreement & file a tax return on the rental income. I'm paranoid as crap, though, about the 5 yr. look-back as there is NO WAY I can pay out of pocket for NH care if she needs it at some point & my brother has already told me that, despite a high paying job, he's unwilling to help with her care or support financially. Is the CPA right...that Medicaid will see the rental arrangement as legitimate or willing they see it as a gift?

Oh, by the way, I do have both medical and financial POA's.