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Mom would give this to him if she knew it. After some heated conversation while I was making arrangements to move Mom to the IL/AL place she wanted and needed to live in because it has a few low-income units, I commented that I just don't have any more to give to this process. I have no money for her. I can't coordinate long distance unless our family friend, B, helps me. Mom and sister and BIL don't want B helping.

So now BIL is asking for her bank account info so he can monitor it. Not an unreasonable request since he will be putting money into her account.

But I feel like I need to protect myself. Do I? Or am I just being reactionary to this sudden twist?

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Veronica - The cafeteria is a la carte. She gets a bowl of salad, that has a cost. She gets the main entree, that has a cost. She gets a piece of bread, that has a cost. She has a dining card and anyone in the family can add funds to it. Or she can add funds to it using her debit card. Every time she uses the dining card, they give her a receipt showing the balance on it. BIL thinks she will "go on a budget" if it is all just explained to her. He doesn't realize she has resisted living on a budget for 60 years. But if he wants to subsidize her learning experience, good luck to him.

I've made it clear I cannot add funds to her dining card. When she lived with me, I did buy foods that we shared, like chicken and basic dinner ingredients. She bought her own breakfast and lunch foods, since she made those herself when I wasn't home. If she got a hankerin' for steak, I didn't buy it for her. She could buy it. She would only eat filet, so no way would I buy that for her or even myself.

It has been a week and she has done okay so far. But BIL bought her about a weeks' worth of snacks and light meals for breakfast and dinner in her apartment. For breakfast and dinner, she will soon need to decide to go to the little store on site or else eat at the deli which is easier to get to. We'll see how it works over time.

Daughterdeb, thank goodness that hasn't happened to me yet. What an insulting letter. Not use depends? Go on Medicaid? That reminds me of everyone telling me about the free phones the government gives out. "Why is mom spending so much on a phone, there are free phones," they tell me. Well, then you look into it and it isn't a free cell phone plan, it is a discount since the minutes are so limited. That's when it gets so frustrating.
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CM How does the cafetera work? Do they "pay" per item from their account? is there a daily allowance or what? I can see her regarding it as free. Is there any way you can have the staff put a limit on the amount she is allowed to use per meal. When she has spent all her money she will tell them to charge it to BILs account. At this point i would be inclined to let the chips fall where they may unless you have signed anything to assume financial responsibility for her expenses.

Deb I had to laugh at brother's observations.
1 Actually there could be some room for reduction in this area. At her age she may not need some of them or could change to a cheaper generic. Talk to her drs and see if there are any changes that wiil not affect her health or quality of life. I don't remember what is wrong with Mom and some of the better newer drugs may have no substitute.
2. No contest. Invite him to wear a soaked (with water) Depends for a day.
3. Well we know how that all works
3. $40 a week that is pretty basic eating $5.71 a day. Would not even buy brother his lunch
5 Offer to practice cutting brother's hair
6. Doesn't sound as though you are charging her for housing, let alone heating, laundry and transportation etc
Did he forget to mention the vast amounts she spends on clothing, beauty products, eating out, premium TV chanels, gifts and anything else you can think of.
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kdcm1011 I won't. But I gave to my attorney since it was handwritten and mailed to my home address from his home address. (a legal document the minute it was mailed)
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And there you have your answer why he wants the info. His comments are outrageous and laughable. Don't give him any more information. You are not required to give it, yet you did originally in good faith. He, however, overstepped.
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I wish we could make these siblings as imaginary as the Parent's imaginary fortune and give them an imaginary POA!!! But we are living and dealing with the real world of caregiving and they couldn't walk a mile in our shoes! They want all the glory and none of the work!

Update:Brother sent me a letter! lol! His opinion on the expense sheet of mother's finances. He actually wrote that he felt some of mother's expenses were not necessary that I was wasting her Social security check. His suggestions,
1.Cut out some of her pills that are not covered completely by her health insurance.( all of them have co-pays)
2.Cut out or lessen her use of depends. ( Wth? have her accidently urinate on the rugs and furniture?)
3.Find a doctor with a cheaper co-pay or use the free clinic.(Set rate by Insurance company)
4.Cut back on her food bill. ( She only contributes $40 a week)
5.Cut her hair yourself. ( lol!)
6.Quit charging your own mother housing!
But my favorite part of his letter was " you know if you put her on Medicaid, they will pay for everything!" This from the one who is the reason she isn't on Medicaid due to the "look back" years!
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Veronica, that's funny but not. I'm sure BIL wants to know where money went. To my sister, mom's $900 a month was a lot of money. But add in her $450 on medical insurance and medicines, plus paying off her debts. And her love of eating out (which I had to limit) and most of it is gone.

And now he wants to see how she will handle the dining set up at this new place. Especially since I complained to him about how she will go to a restaurant (or cafeteria) and order more than she can eat. Or splurge on things - a salad on the side instead of the vegetable that comes with it. Because she deserves it (in her mind). It is a major trigger for me how mom behaves with food and is the biggest possible obstacle to making this new living arrangement work.
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You can but I think it is too late to shut the barn door, the horse has already gone.
BIL already knows the current situation what he wants to know is where Mom's imaginary fortune went in the past. but then I am a nasty suspicious old lady. I don't know that account numbers will actually help him if you have pOA. The bank probably won't give him access.
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For better or worse now, mom gave him the info. I will just have to make the best of it and protect myself. I'm still a little nervous though since as many say, even when you've done nothing wrong and are straight up about everything, people can still get suspicious and accusatory. I don't think he will, but I don't want to be foolish.

I think perhaps once things settle down with Mom's recent move and once the full benefits are arriving and BIL no longer needs to give her money that I might change the password at least.
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I am DPOA and every time I do something my father or brother don't like they say that I've done some thing illegal and make it seem like I am a bad person and dishonest when in fact I am the most honest one. I am absolutely willing and have printed and offered reports showing exactly where the money goes because I have nothing to hide. In no way would I ever give them the account numbers. My brother tries to guilt me into it by saying what if something happens to you how would we get access. I have a folder for everything and my sister is the alternate so she would be able to figure it all out if necessary. bottom line PROTECT YOURSELF TRUST FEW when it comes to family.
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By all means give him an accounting of Mom's monthly expences if he is going to contribute. I think you said when she went into care that she had no money.
I think he is on a fishing expedition so he can see where the money has gone in the past. DO NOT GIVE HIM ACCESS HE DOES NOT NEED IT AND IT WILL ONLY CAUSE YOU GRIEF
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I have a different perspective. First you refer to BIL, not your sister, so that tells me he is likely a strong head of household, who runs his own family's finances. Good or bad, that is what it sounds like. Also, he is offering to donate. People who are used to being in charge, are unlikely to donate money, without expecting some level of control or monitoring. If you need or want to accept his financial donation, yuo need to respect his right to know how his money is used. Doesn't sound like you have reason to distrust him and you need the help. Also it sounds like B is not able to help, namely because mom does not want her to.
Partner with your sister and BIL, you need the help.
Best of luck.
L
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Thank you all for the comments. To explain, B was telling Mom things Mom didn't want to hear - like that she should consider getting an alert button bracelet in case she falls. Mom won't admit she might fall (though her stroke affected her balance and impaired her vision). B told Mom she should exercise to avoid blood clots and to stay somewhat healthy. B told Mom she should get out and visit people (in the facility) to stay connected. Mom didn't want to be told any of that. She doesn't want anyone telling her what to do. At all. So Mom complained to my sister and BIL for two days. The same two days that B and I were packing and transporting all of Mom's belongings to the new facility without any other help from family.

Most of my family is burned out from caring for a mother who wants everyone else to do for her and who has sapped us all for decades. Her relatively recent disability (3 years ago) is one more huge pressure for all of us to have to fix for her. I had asked B to help me because I can barely be in the same room with Mom alone, I feel so used and abused.

But I guess once B offered to pay for some move-in costs (since our family has limited money), Mom found success in complaining to my BIL and he has decided to pay the fees. When I said I couldn't help Mom without B helping me, then he had to take over getting Mom settled.

Such a complicated situation. I'm considering signing over complete DPOA to him at this point but am not quite ready to do that.
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Agree you need to watch your back, you have POA for your mom ("power" of attorney.) You are not obligated to show anybody you mom's bank statements. Stick with the help you trust who you know will be there for you when you do need help, do the best you can for your mom, make sure you have documentation to show everything you've done for her, even receipts for things you bought, etc... Tell your BIL and whoever else, you cannot share you mom's paperwork with them, it's a legal matter, only she can share that info. If she does not hold her bank statements, you do, then there's nothing they can do. Let them get angry, stand your ground.
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NOOO! Never give that out. It is asking for trouble. You can send him your mothers monthly expenses, and suggest he pick one to pay for her each month. Bet he don't. If he or anyone else gives your mother a monetary gift be sure and give them a signed receipt mark GIFT and deposit it to her account the same day. Also I keep a separate record of the bills I pay of mom's (out of my own money) because it is my "proof" I am not after her money! Too many siblings asking for an accounting of the estate, even when there isn't an estate when a parent dies. EXAMPLE: I was told by the courts I could charge my mother x amount housing but I couldn't use her money to make a house payment or I would have to pay every payment back into her estate. Prepare for trouble is all I am saying. Know you have to prove her money and your money. Period.
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Best observation reversaroles - if you give him access to the money, it is on your watch. Dont let anyone have control. Oversight yes, access to spend money, NO.
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Listen to everyone----NO. In fact if he doesn anything wrong YOU are responsible for it and will take the blame. Legally I dont think you can or should. Say he transfers out some money or buys something, you are responsible. This is why its one person in charge, dont take it lightly , being a DPOA is a heavy responsibility on your shoulders.
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Why all of a sudden does he feel the need to monitor the money? Is it your mother or his? Not that that really makes a difference, as you were chosen to be DPOA for a reason, in spite of the long distance. Just keep VERY detailed records of where the money is going and has gone.

Another question, why exactly don't those others want B assisting? Is mom comfortable with B? As POA, your primary responsibility is to Mom - not anyone else. That includes making sure she has the proper care, the money is spent for her care and well being, and you advocate for what is best for her. If having B assist in Mom's care is best for MOM, then so be it.

If he is concerned about you misspending the money he will be contributing, then he can put it in a completely separate account & pay out of the account certain agreed-upon expenditures.

Getting back to keeping very detailed records of money spent, it is protecting both you & mom, in addition to that being part of your POA responsibilities. I've warned my sister who is our mom's POA to make sure she's doing so because I KNOW one of our brothers will ask the "where did all the money go?" question after Mom passes. Yes, this is the brother who lives far away, rarely calls Mom, shows very little interest in Mom's care & well-being, and actually believes the remaining 3 who are involved in Mom's day-to-day care coddle our mother. Our mother who hardly remembers our names anymore, thinks I am her sister most times, and can't understand what she reads anymore.

This site is filled with stories of families ripped apart by financial "concerns". Sad, because this is the time when we need each other the most. Good luck!
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I can certainly see why a family member would want to see where someone's money is being spent by a POA. Not access to control anything, but someone should always monitor when someone else has control. I personally want that, but don't know how to ask without being insulting. If I were POA, I would welcome family oversight.
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If you feel hes being honest and is contributing to ur moms care finacialy the i would add him as a secondary POA...with that hes responsiable just as u are and u can both watch what the other is doing. My sister & i are POA's on my dads account...i live close to him & she dosnt...i take care of making sure all his bills are paid & needs are met....but she can also pay bills on his behalf and can see by logging into his bank that things are fine. Share POA hes is then legally responsible and can be charged if he misappropiates funds for any other use than to help ur mom. Good Luck.
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You are the DOPA, just as I am for my husband. You need not give any information to B, unless you choose to sends B a copy of the banking account as you get it, just make a copy & send it on . If you so choose to & are comfortable with it sense B is there close to your mom.
Trust you gut. Your head will play games with you all day long.
Best to you & you do not walk alone.
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You are not required to give financial information to anyone. Sounds like he is trying to take control. It is not his business to monitor it. Your mother gave that responsibility to you. If he has serious concerns there is a process he can go through to investigate/challenge what you are doing.

I care give at a distance. I find the staff of the places mother has been at are helpful.

Good luck to you -it isn't easy and relatives who want to take over make it so much harder. (((((((hugs)))))))
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You are the DPOA, that makes you responsible for her health care and her finacial. Just because someone gives and puts money into her account that does not give them a right to monitor the money. It was a gift. I was my mothers DPOA and NO one had her bank information but me. I agree be is up to something. Watch yours and your mothers back.
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Saw the writing on the wall... You bust you're butt all these years caring and BIL says OK I'll help, now it's "where did her money go"?

Watch your back cmcwrinkl1.....I'd be suspicious of his motives!
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No, If Mom made U the DPOA, she trusts you to take care of it. I would give him statements or arrange for a read only access. Funny how people want all his stuff but are unwilling to take part. If they don;t want B helping, insist they help. Long distance? Tough. I drove 200 miles each way, every other week for 3 years to help with my mom. Others can do it as well.
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