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My mother lives with me, I am her full time carer. Caring for my mother has left me depressed. I look after her 24/7 I don't get a break and she has been her 4yrs. I have recklessly spend her money. Am I liable for prosecution
What exactly are you talking about when you say "recklessly"? It is perfectly fine to spend her money on her care - like food, shelter, medicines, phone, clothes, etc. etc. You should keep track of what you spend and on what, so that if a question arises, you can show it was for her reasonable care. If she is living with you, then you should be able to charge reasonable rent; if you provide care, then a caregiver contract that would pay you out of her funds for what you do is also perfectly reasonable. What is vital, is some record keeping so you can show brother, adult protective services, etc. how her funds have been spent. This can be tiresome, but it is essential to understand that you have to have specific answers - like I bought a bottle of aspirin for $7, not I buy non-prescription meds occasionally. It is not that you are not honest - it is that specifics impress people. Documentation, like receipts, impress people and protect you. Yes, it is extra work, but you really need to be businesslike. Now, as to your brother - what is he doing to help with his mother? (Other than criticizing what you have been doing)? Does he think that you should be doing everything for free, paying her way, etc. so an inheritance is protected? There are some very antiquated ideas out there and too many men think that daughters are responsible for caregiving - sons need to do nothing, but occasional "executive" work. If you have been spending her money on things that do nothing for her, but are for you, then you have a problem. BUT, it is reasonable for you to insist on compensation for anything you provide for your mother. Otherwise, how are you going to provide financially for yourself?
Like the others, I would want to know what "reckless" spending you have been doing. Betting at the racetracks? Casino gambling? Jewelry/wardrobe for yourself? If you have been spending Mom's money in ways that don't benefit her, then, yes, an interested party could ask to have you investigated.
Money Mom pays you for room and board and care is not hers -- it is yours, to spend as you please.
If you do not have a written agreement spelling out what you provide and what Mom pays, I suggest you get one now. The attorney you consult (specializing in Elder Law, please) can also advise you on what to do regarding past expenditures.
You're afraid she'll be "taken into care"? I'll just bet you are. The BEST thing that could happen to mom is that she be placed somewhere where her care giver isn't wasting her money on herself instead of spending it to make her mom's life easier.
Care. You mean a place that has entertainment for her a couple of times a week? Three balanced meals? Close medical supervision? Other people to socialize with? People who keep her clean? Smile at her and wish her a cheerful good morning?
Dumbbell, you must be very frightened. Deep breath.
Can he do that? You betcha. The two of you having joint POA means that he is as accountable as you are for what has become of your mother's money. Now, of course I have no idea of what his reasons are for wanting to go to the police. I expect his reasons are various and complicated. But in at least one respect he HAS to take this further: he has become aware that your mother's money has been misappropriated, and he is accountable. You may be responsible, but he is equally accountable. See it from his point of view.
Then there is the much more important question of what happens to your mother now. Have you otherwise looked after her well? Is she happy living with you, in her own home? Are there practical alternatives for her care that she would be equally happy with?
Look, there IS going to be fallout here, no getting away from it. But what happens could still be manageable. If you're looking for damage limitation, I recommend that you talk to your brother. Sit down with him, go through everything item by item, find out exactly what has happened. Then work out with him what the best thing to do next is.
I imagine he is furious, yes? You can't blame him. But he can be furious and still be interested in working out a constructive way forward. You're going to have to trust him to put your mother first, and to find some way of being angry with you that doesn't just put a bomb under everything.
Is there any possibility at all of your paying back what you've taken for your own use from your mother's accounts?
I'm afraid that what you have done is criminal. It is also an abuse of a position of trust. You know that, you've acknowledged it. You will have to suck up people's justified anger, then try to focus with them on what happens next. Concentrate on what's best for your mother. I doubt if that would include prosecuting you; but if it does mean her being removed from your care you'll have to agree to that. At the very least you can't expect to remain in control of her finances, obviously.
Again, there's no getting away from it: you're horribly in the wrong and you know it. Nothing to do but face up. If it helps to think of this, I'll virtually hold your hand. Just don't try to weasel out of any consequences because you'll make things even worse, especially for your mother. Good luck, grit your teeth, keep in touch.
Come clean and tell your brother what you did. Throw yourself on his mercy. Explain that you're depressed and that you're worn out from caring for your mother. I don't know what country you're in, but in the US you can be prosecuted for what you did. You have a shopping addiction. Get help.
You already know that what you did was wrong, but has your mother suffered because of this? Has there been enough money to buy her necesities? Are you depriving her of nutritious meals. 24/7 is a long work week as many caregivers will tell you and it interferes with all aspects of your life especially physical and mental. For some one who puts in these hours where you live what would be the pay? I realize it does not make it right but have you spent more than that? It is certainly not unreasonable to buy things for the home to make mother's environment more pleasant or applainces such as a washer and dryer to make her care more efficient. If you had not been using this money would you have had any income at all. How do you buy food for example. You were not right and you are rightfully ashamed of yourself. If it makes sense where you live consult a lawyer to help sort out this mess. My first visit would not be to the police. Your brother probably has seen mothers money shrink but he probably has no way of proving what you spent it on. he has to be concerned on several levels but from the practical point of view did he expect you to take mother into your home and provide care without a means of self support. Was there any sort of written agreement when the decision to move her in was made or are you in a culture where women are subservient to men? I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and if you are truly sorry that is fine but if you are only fearful because you have been caught that sheds a whole different light on the matter.
Yes. Your brother can prosecute. You can possibly make amends and come to an agreement whereby going forward you will be paid reasonable caregiver wages and further, out of those wages you will pay back funds that you misused on yourself --doing so overtime so that you still have some personal income from the caregiving. That is what I would propose.
If he disagrees, then ask that he contribute to the caregiving --either sharing the caregiving time or hiring outside help several hours a week and some weekends so you get a break.
Yes, what do you mean by reckless spending? You also don't indicate if you're a joint signatory on her account or have legal authority to handle her financial affairs.
More information is needed, including how long you've been caring for her and how much money has been "recklessly" spent?
If your mother has been living with you for 4 years, I assume you have some records of what you've spent from her funds?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Now, as to your brother - what is he doing to help with his mother? (Other than criticizing what you have been doing)? Does he think that you should be doing everything for free, paying her way, etc. so an inheritance is protected? There are some very antiquated ideas out there and too many men think that daughters are responsible for caregiving - sons need to do nothing, but occasional "executive" work. If you have been spending her money on things that do nothing for her, but are for you, then you have a problem. BUT, it is reasonable for you to insist on compensation for anything you provide for your mother. Otherwise, how are you going to provide financially for yourself?
Money Mom pays you for room and board and care is not hers -- it is yours, to spend as you please.
If you do not have a written agreement spelling out what you provide and what Mom pays, I suggest you get one now. The attorney you consult (specializing in Elder Law, please) can also advise you on what to do regarding past expenditures.
Care. You mean a place that has entertainment for her a couple of times a week? Three balanced meals? Close medical supervision? Other people to socialize with? People who keep her clean? Smile at her and wish her a cheerful good morning?
Oh, the horrors.
Can he do that? You betcha. The two of you having joint POA means that he is as accountable as you are for what has become of your mother's money. Now, of course I have no idea of what his reasons are for wanting to go to the police. I expect his reasons are various and complicated. But in at least one respect he HAS to take this further: he has become aware that your mother's money has been misappropriated, and he is accountable. You may be responsible, but he is equally accountable. See it from his point of view.
Then there is the much more important question of what happens to your mother now. Have you otherwise looked after her well? Is she happy living with you, in her own home? Are there practical alternatives for her care that she would be equally happy with?
Look, there IS going to be fallout here, no getting away from it. But what happens could still be manageable. If you're looking for damage limitation, I recommend that you talk to your brother. Sit down with him, go through everything item by item, find out exactly what has happened. Then work out with him what the best thing to do next is.
I imagine he is furious, yes? You can't blame him. But he can be furious and still be interested in working out a constructive way forward. You're going to have to trust him to put your mother first, and to find some way of being angry with you that doesn't just put a bomb under everything.
Is there any possibility at all of your paying back what you've taken for your own use from your mother's accounts?
I'm afraid that what you have done is criminal. It is also an abuse of a position of trust. You know that, you've acknowledged it. You will have to suck up people's justified anger, then try to focus with them on what happens next. Concentrate on what's best for your mother. I doubt if that would include prosecuting you; but if it does mean her being removed from your care you'll have to agree to that. At the very least you can't expect to remain in control of her finances, obviously.
Again, there's no getting away from it: you're horribly in the wrong and you know it. Nothing to do but face up. If it helps to think of this, I'll virtually hold your hand. Just don't try to weasel out of any consequences because you'll make things even worse, especially for your mother. Good luck, grit your teeth, keep in touch.
24/7 is a long work week as many caregivers will tell you and it interferes with all aspects of your life especially physical and mental.
For some one who puts in these hours where you live what would be the pay? I realize it does not make it right but have you spent more than that?
It is certainly not unreasonable to buy things for the home to make mother's environment more pleasant or applainces such as a washer and dryer to make her care more efficient. If you had not been using this money would you have had any income at all. How do you buy food for example.
You were not right and you are rightfully ashamed of yourself. If it makes sense where you live consult a lawyer to help sort out this mess. My first visit would not be to the police. Your brother probably has seen mothers money shrink but he probably has no way of proving what you spent it on. he has to be concerned on several levels but from the practical point of view did he expect you to take mother into your home and provide care without a means of self support. Was there any sort of written agreement when the decision to move her in was made or are you in a culture where women are subservient to men? I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in and if you are truly sorry that is fine but if you are only fearful because you have been caught that sheds a whole different light on the matter.
If he disagrees, then ask that he contribute to the caregiving --either sharing the caregiving time or hiring outside help several hours a week and some weekends so you get a break.
More information is needed, including how long you've been caring for her and how much money has been "recklessly" spent?
If your mother has been living with you for 4 years, I assume you have some records of what you've spent from her funds?
What has your brother done in the meantime?
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