I am lost. My Dad has been dead for 3 years. Brother who lives with my Mom, he is a mean drunk, he's ok when he is sober which isn't often anymore, one night she calls me crying, and he calls me saying she is crazy (she is not) and the next day he'll be half way nice to her and she adores him. I've tried to get her to live with me, but she is afraid of the fight it will be when she takes her animals out of the house and tells him he will have to move in order to sell her house. I know she prefers living in her house as she feels my Dad's presence around the house, they lived there for 30 years. I keep hoping my brother will get picked up on the road drinking and driving but he doesn't. He has to blow in a thing to start his truck, which he does for work, then comes home and takes my Mom's car out drinking. He could possibly hurt anyone if he found out someone called the police on him, (I did take my Mom to talk to the police and was told their was nothing they could do unless he hits her). I get so depressed I just don't know what to do to help her. My Dad was her world after 59 years of marriage and she looks to me to solve her problems, but this one I am lost? My brother seems to hate the world when he's drunk and will scream at anyone who disagrees with anything he says. He can keep a job when he wants, will work awhile then quit and the union will get him another job. Any suggestions would be appreciated. thank you
Meanwhile your mother deserves to live in a non abusive home. His type of environment isn't something she can deal with. She raised him, it is over. Time for the brother to grow up and if he can't help his mother, he needs to leave.
If the mother thinks she is helping him --she isn't. Mothers always want to "do for their sons" but remind her she will be gone at some point and this guy has
to get a hold of his addictive behaviors or he will not live into his senior yrs.
Good luck get the protective order and evict him.
This isn't an unusual problem.
So, where does that leave your mom? She is somewhat stuck unless she actually admits to someone -- like Adult Protective Services -- what is happening in her house. Most parents don't like ratting out their adult children when confronted with this. And unless they witness the problem (I called APS) for my own mother regarding the poor homecare she was receiving -- they were also buying her cigarettes under strict medical instructions not to do so, as she was hooked to oxygen 24/7, and the cigarettes could literally blow up in her face. But when APS arrived , my mother answered the door with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and her oxygen hose draped over the back of a chair and one of the home are people sitting in the living room. They were caught. My mother would cry to ME about all the things that homecare had been doing improperly (the list is huge, and she could only admit to what she could either see or to what she didn't like, so the cigarette issue, which was also killing her, was not a problem in her opinion even though she had advanced COPD).
So, what's my point?... Well, if your mother is mentally competent and is afraid to turn in your brother, APS doesn't have anything to act on. But, I would still call them, because it might help. On the other hand, you have to ask yourself if it might create more problems for her because of his reaction? Remember, she's afraid to lose her independence of living in her own home, and there are many threats to that.
Now, here's a thought, but again, she would need to be agreeable to it... If he takes her car without her permission, call the police and report the theft. If he kills someone while he's driving drunk in your mom's car, she could lose everything! It's would at least get him locked up long enough to get the locks changed on the house. And if your mom doesn't really need her car anymore, try to get her to sell it. Tell her you'll take her wherever she needs to go when you're not working. That will be a tough sell, as the car is viewed as a sign of independence.
Eviction sounds like the logical option, and it is -- but, it's extremely difficult to do. And while he's there, under threat of eviction, if he's a drinker, that stressor will probably make him drink more.
You could try to convince your mother to have the 3 of you sit down and discuss the fact that he's an adult and mom should not, and does not want to, support him in any way, shape, or form. It's time that he take responsibility for his own life and let her spend her "retirement" in peace -- although sober visits are more than welcome. Explain that he can stay until a set date (give him a couple of weeks) to find his own place -- and he can pick up his "stuff" within 2-3 weeks of finding a place to live. He will have to have dates, or he'll never act. If he doesn't respond by the time period he's been given, tell him that your mom (with your help) will move his stuff outside to be thrown away.
He must be told, regardless of which route you take, that the car is absolutely off limits. Demand the keys. If you already know where he keeps the keys, take them. They aren't his, so you're not stealing from him! But if you think that you can rationally get him to turn over the keys, do that. But, he must be told that if he takes the car again, you will call the police and report it stolen. His soberness cannot be a condition for borrowing the car, as you noted he starts out sober when he takes it. If your mom is in the car with him, you may want to allownhisnuse then, but she has to maintain control of the keys, and he has to stay with her at all times whe he drives her anywhere. This will not invalidate his stealing the car if he takes it on his own. You may find it necessary to draft up a simple document after this discussion saying all of this, then take it to a credit union, bank, or the County to have a notary public witness your mother signing it so that your brother cannot come back at some point saying that he had your mother's permission to take the car. That will only make your mom look inconsistent, at best.
Sadly your mom is probably going to be reluctant to go along with any of this. If you tell her that his verbal abuse has the potential to become physical, that will probably scare her more, so she'll want to avoid further confrontation. She probably doesn't see herself as enabling your brother. She's probably afraid to live alone to a high degree. She doesn't want to feel deserted. It's her house. It's her car. And it's her son, making your power to help her limited to suggestions that she might go along with. I'm sure she loves you both, and she will be torn as to how to deal with doing what one of you wants at the expense of another's wishes. When you bring in the police, there's a habit for the abused parent to downplay the situation. They are embarrassed by it all and don't like to show their fragility. They are scared by the repercussions.
Does your mother trust you enough to reticle the house in your name with the agreement that she can continue to live there as long as she is able to do so? That usually makes them think that you're ready to throw them into a nursing home, but a lot of elderly folks will go along with that. She would still be responsible for paying the bills and upkeep. You'd need to speak with an elder law attorney about how to do that.
I have worked in the elder law field for several years, and believe it or not, your mom's scenario is not all that uncommon. That's why I've made some suppositions regarding her thinking. I've seen all too many times how the parent refuses to take action against a leaching or abusive child. They really are in a tough spot. It's heartbreaking.
You may want to set up an appointment with an elder law attorney in your area (please make sure that their focus of law is elder law; after all, you wouldn't go to a dentist if you broke your foot!). You may need to call your local Bar Association to find an attorney who focuses their practice on elder law. This attorney should be able to present you with ideas and explain to you why some things sound easy (eviction), but are difficult to implement.
Above all at this point, I reiterate: GET THE CAR KEYS OUT OF HIS POSSESSION!
My best to you with this. Trying to help a parent can be a devastating undertaking. I've been there, my best friend is going through it, and I watched others for years. Your heart is in the right place.
Does your brother live with your mom because he can't support himself? If so, look for him to straighten up for a while and lull everyone into a false sense of security while he apparently cleans up his act. Once the dust settles and the threat of eviction is gone he'll go right back to his old ways and your mom will likely give him 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances while in the meantime, nothing changes.
I'm so sorry that your mom is in such a horrible position, you must be very worried about her. Do everything you can to support her but don't be surprised if she's not on board with getting your brother out.
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