This might not be a question that everyone ask-My mother has two children and I am the one that take care of her but brother left the house. I gave my lving to take care of my mother-cannot go anywhere for long-In my opinion I take very good care of her- my brother on the other hand can waltz in here and tell her- have I told you later that I love you and he can get anything he wants-but on the other hand if she ask me how I am feeling and I tell her that I am not feeling so well -guess what the conversation stop there-she does not say I hope that you feel better. But I bend over backward taking care of her and my brother get all of the praises and she only see him once in while. What do anyone has to say to this? Please make me understand .
The short answer, is that your mom will not change. I just had an argument with my Mother the other day about my brother. He hasn't been out to see her in almost 3 years, took money from her that he never paid back, and is lazy as can be. Yet, she makes excuses for him and blames herself that he doesn't bother to come see her. He has "important" work to do, but I am expected to leave my work behind every time she needs something including calling me a hundred times a day.
I finally told her that if she thinks that she can get a better deal living with her favorite shild, she is more than welcomed to go there. Of course, she hasn't taken me up on it.
I am a caregiver because it is the right thing to do. As far as finding it rewarding...I haven't yet.
good luck,
Lilli
Sometimes we just need to hear the praise to feel appreciated and when we don't get it it hurts. But I know now that she loves me and she has even told me she wasn't close to her mother either. That it was one of those era's where women had to be strong and the men babied. I guess the era never completely goes away :) For the most part I'm OK with it and think that Hey this is the way I was made...to be a caregiver and I cant change who I am so I have , most of the time anyway, decided to forge ahead and scrape up any little pat I can get :) I feel your Frustration and Please know that you are worthy of the Praise even if it's not given by the one your caring for.
Any chance you can get some extra help? Or have your brother do something?
It helps to be superclear why you're doing what you're doing -- if it's to get back appreciation, then you're going to be miserable not getting the appreciation. If it's because you think it's the right thing to do, then appreciation would be really nice and would make it easier but it doesn't define your success or failure. In the end, all we have is the memory of our own behavior.
Besides all the true things that people have said about the gender stuff, there's the opposite-sex-parent thing. The daughters are usually the favorites of the fathers, right?
Plus there's the Prodigal Son thing. The one who's never there, when he (or she!) does come it's a big event.
Good luck.
I can relate to your dilemma and for now, I am just trying to go with the flow and let it go. My brother lives in Orlando and he can't help it. His wife comes up here sometimes but she is more of a pain and just does it to be nosey more than anything else. I would just suggest to let it go like I am trying to do, but it's not always easy (lol).;-)
It is just so sad, little things over and over, how they snap at the one doing all the work and revel in the minuscule time granted by the lazy, long gone child...even if they just live across town!!!
Give yourself permission to be bitter, resentful, angry, and vent as needed but also make an effort to put those thoughts away, knowing you can think about them again tomorrow. If your mom wants to talk about your brother, you don't have to listen, change the topic, excuse yourself from the room, or whatever you have to do--taking control of at least that little bit for yourself will help you out.
It might also be helpful to ask your brother for specific things he could do for your mom and force him to respond. Even if you know the answer is "no". I did this because I felt better knowing that my sibling could never say to me, "you didn't ask for help, so it isn't my fault, I didn't know."
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