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I moved my mom in with my family last summer when her apartment lease wasn't renewed. She couldn't afford Assisted Living and at the time she didn't seem that bad, so I didn't think she was in need of a nursing home. After I moved her in I came to realize that she needed much more assistance than previously thought. Over the year she's been her she's declined even more, to the point where her judgement is not good, she's goes in and out of the "fog" and she's not always able to recognize common objects and gets lost in the house and occasionally neigborhood. In addition to that she gets both physically and verbally aggressive with my children, mostly the older 2 who are 7 and 13. She's punched my son in the face and body, pushed him while on the stairs; she's also thrown objects at both kids, slapped my daughter in the face on multiple occasions and yelled very unpleasant words at all of my children. She doesn't realize that she's doing these things or even what she's doing and my younger children especially don't understand why their beloved grandma is doing or saying these terrible things. My daughter no longer wants to be around her grandma because all their interactions turn into my mom yelling at her. In trying to care for my mom, care for my children and maintain some type of peace in our home, I'm stressed beyond stress and it's been affecting my health all the way around. My husband who is the most mellow person on the planet has also become stressed out by the situation. My brother (and only sibling) is moms POA. When she moved in with me he gave me a paper rescinding him as POA and giving it to me, however he didn't have it notorized, so it means nothing. My brother is also in control of 90% of my mothers finances. In February I spoke with my moms doctor about moving mom into a nursing home, which he felt was appropriate given her health and the situation. But, I just couldn't bring myself to move forward on it, because of feelings of guilt and maybe I just needed to try harder and thinking I was weak for not being able to juggle all of this. In May I finally felt that the situation had reached the threshold and I needed to act, so I spoke to my brother about moving mom into a nursing home. He was on board, but then decided that maybe she should move in with him and his wife, but he needed time, maybe in July it could happen. I discussed respite for mom, while he made his decision and made the appointment with her dr. for the paperwork. Unfortunately, juggling 5 peoples schedules I got the time wrong and was late to the appointment, which apparently gave my brother license to ignore the situation. I had explained to him what's been going on, however he's only seen mom 5-6 times in the last year and not for any significant amount of time, so he doesn't know first hand where she is mentally with this disease. Now it's July and I contacted my brother explaining that mom is getting worse and asked if he made a decision, his response was "spare me the drama" and I don't have time to "deal with this" suggesting that he may be able to do something in late September or October. I am mentally, emotionally and physically tapped out, my children are suffering because of this and my mom is not getting the appropriate care from me because I'm burnt out. My patience is gone, my relationship with my mom, who has been my closest friend and means the world to me is ruined and she has this horrible disease that takes a little more of her away every day! I'm so angry with my brother for his lack of concern for our mom, number one and for my family. I can't even speak to him because I know that will make the situation worse. I've called every place I can think of for advice and they tell me I have one of 3 options: take her to the ER and then refuse to take her home, try to get POA from my brother (which will be a nightmare) or wait until September/October and see if he does something then. I'm so worried that if something doesn't happen soon, I will be taking a trip to the hospital because one of my chldren is going to get hurt by mom or she's going to get hurt when I'm not here or I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Are there any other options or way to circumvent POA?

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The next time your mom gets physically violent with your children, call 911. The law is very protective when it comes to children and elderly. You will need to explain to the 911 operator the situation and that the physical violence is escalating. You're currently walking a thin line. If she breaks an arm or any other serious injury to one of ur children, the law may hold you as negligent for putting them at risk.

Hopefully you can persuade the cops to take ur mom to the ER for evaluation. And then refuse to take her back home. Tell them that ur brother has POA and give them his home and cell phone number..

With regards to your mom, if you don't want to have POA, then there's really nothing you can do legally with her...unless she's willing and you're willing to use your own funds for her care. Also,if you don't have medical POA, the hospital and clinics are obligated Not to tell you anything about mom.
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Thank you all for the "tough love". I wasn't seeing the situation for what it was and was mortified by your comments of child abuse/neglect. Seeing through your eyes, I'm ashamed of my inability to protect my kids. I think someone made the comment of not seeing the forest for the trees, which was spot on. Last night/this am - after 9 hours in the ER - my mom was finally admitted to the hospital psych ward. Having her in a safe place and knowing my kids are safe is a terrific relief! The aftermath: My son is terribly upset with me for taking his nana away, I'm trying to help him understand why I had to move her out, I think in time he'll get it. I'm awaiting the wrath of my brother - hopefully - he will be able to see the situation as it was and get over his ill feelings and understand that I wasn't being dramatic in my descriptions of mom's behavior. To answer a question - my brother has both durable and general/financial POA. I have a paper he gave me where he rescinded and per the original documents it passed both on to me, but because the paper isn't notarized it's useless, I double checked this with a lawyer. The lawyer advice was to suggest to my brother that because he's not living up to his duty as POA, we get a court appointed gaurdian/neutral party to take over. Some misc. info about the hosp. experience...I talked with my mom's dr. before taking her in to ER, he told me to have them call him and he'd admit her, which gave me more confidence going in. My fear was that I would be accused of abandoning my mom, if I refused to take her home and I would be in some kind of trouble for that. I told them at ER check in, in triage, 2 psych drs. and 2 ER docs that I didn't have POA and it wasn't until the 9th hour (1:30am) when they had determined that she should be admitted to the psych ward that the issue of POA came up. They called my brother - who didn't answer the call, so they found another way to admit her and I didn't have to decline taking her home. I do not know what happens next, I'm listed on the HIPPA form, so hopefully getting info at this point won't be an issue. I'm not sure what will happen once my mom is moved into a nursing home. What I've learned: Even though you have the best intentions, when you take a parent into your home be certain you have the POA's or guardianship, otherwise you're at the mercy of the person who does and that's not a good place to be. Thank you all again for helping me achieve clarity and give my children the safe home they deserve!
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OmG, this is not "spare me the drama" time. You have just described the situation to people who are familiar with this sort of thing, and they are not just concerned but alarmed that you have put yourself in a position to lose custody of your children because of what DCFS would term "failure to protect." Sorry to be harsh, but POA is now irrelevant and something needs to happen NOW, or mom gets dropped off to your brother with enough stuff to take care of her, or to an ER with you asking to see social services and explain you will not be caring for her anymore because she is a danger to your children. It is certainly possible that Mom could get somewhat better with medical evaluation and treatment, and possible that your brother can get beyond the wishful thinking stage so that a better outcome is possible, but this cannot wait until the fall and mom cannot be left alone with the children. Your whole family is in danger and the first mandated reporter who hears this story and has the details of your names and address will almost certainly be making a report. If you ask your children not to tell, you will be in even more danger of losing custody of them for not only failing to protect but trying to hide the abuse. SO, so sorry you are in this mess, it is not your fault, you are doing too much for anyone to really expect you to easily see the forest for the trees, especially when it is your mom who you love....but DCFS would not likely be as sympathetic particularly if you end up in the ER with one of the kids having a fracture from getting pushed down the stairs. It seems particularly unfair that brother is not stepping up to deal with this as an adult, but you are the one with kids who are getting hurt, and he will not be the one in trouble with DCFS, you will.
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MamaKK, Your brother sounds like he's only interested in the bottom line. The more money it costs to take care of his mother, the less likely it is that he'll end up with any money. But that's what your mother's money was for in the first place right? The taking care of her in her old age. Don't let his bottom line sway you when it comes to your mother's health care. If she needs to go somewhere that costs a boat load of money, then so be it. And your kids can still visit their grandma wherever she ends up, so don't let that sway you either. Get your ducks lined up when it comes to when/if she does run out of money and needs to go on Medicaid. Keep that in mind too. Good luck.
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Dear MamaKK: You are in a very critical and dangerous spot. I know it's your Mom and I know the conscience/guilt trip we lay on ourselve only too well. Keep in mind your own children's safety is first and foremost. You cannot sacrifice your family's safety for her benefit. She needs to be in a facility that can take care of her psych issues 24/7. Imprint that on your mind and your path will become clearer. As you have been advised, take Mom (I would call an ambulance for safety reasons) directly to the ER and categorically refuse to bring her home (the first option already suggested to you) primarily due to her physical violence to your family members and your fear for your children's safety. Stand firm on this issue. Also bring the POA (un-notarized) papers with you. Keep in mind your brother gave you the papers giving up his POA so it is in writing that he does not want the responsibility. Have the hospital personnel call him on the phone and tell him he needs to come directly to the ER. While he is there, he will either give permission to admit her to a NH, and/or agree to having a hospital representative with notary authorization witness your transfer POA document to give you the legal authority (which will satisfy the second option already suggested to you). You know your brother does not really want any responsibility, so it is in his best interest to comply at this point. I believe you can count on both of these scenarios to work in your favor. BTW, once you have POA, you get control of the finances, so don't let him try to put one over on you. There are serious legal ramifications if he tries to fool with her money. Yes it is a nightmare experience, but it will get done all in one shot, and then you will have a huge burden off your shoulders. The hospital cannot force you to take her home. God Bless you, and good luck!!
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Is your Mom seeing a neurologist or some other doctor for her Alzheimer's? It would seem that if your Mom is in this extreme condition that her doctor would insist that it is time for her to be in a nursing home or Alzheimer's facility, or at least be admitted to a hospital for observation and further assessment. If it is medically necessary that she go to a nursing home or some other facility, I would think that your brother would almost have to agree to it or possibly be deemed negligent himself. As another poster stated, find out if your brother has Medical POA, Financial POA or Durable POA. This would make a difference! If her doctor isn't aware of her behavior, make him aware so that something can be done.
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What your mother has done to your children is called child abuse. Child Protective Services could come and remove your children from the home. A POA means nothing unless your mother is declared incompetent. So forget about the POA is start looking for ways to remove your mother from your home for the safety and welfare of your children. Your priorities are for your children not the guilt about putting your mother in a nursing home!
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Mamakk, thank you for updating us. Sometimes, a poster comes on and never responds back. I'm glad that you were able to get her to ER for evaluation. Hmmm.. I never thought about the "abandonment" issue when it came to Not taking her home. I just assumed by saying that your brother had POA that he's responsible for her. I'm glad that the hospital was able to find a way around it. From what I read on this site, most non-caregiving siblings with POA just absolutely refuses to understand, accept or DO anything for their parent. It all falls on the poor sibling who is caregiving 24/7. I was really really worried about the kids.

Yes, I agree with the previous poster. When your mother's money is beginning to run out, it's time to start applying for Medicaid. It's a long process. Take care.
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MamaKK: I just re-read your post at the bit where your lawyer suggested a court appointed administrator/neutral party. Why can't it be YOU? I would not want to give up control of my Mother's affairs to a stranger. Another reason to seek a second opinion from an Elder Care attorney. Please be careful.
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Mamakk, I am glad everything worked out for you and your family. Really think hard about being your moms DPOA or guardian. I am my mother's DPOA, but I will never agree to guardianship. I do not want to become legally responsible for my mother nor will I choose to be her caregiver. Your situation on what you went through is enough to have people think twice about caring for arelative that has Alzheimer.
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