My brother, despite everyone else telling him he will be sending my mother to her death, is planning on signing my mother out of the nursing home and sending her home with 4 hours a day of a Medicaid home health aide. Everyone has tried reasoning with him, but he will not listen. The nursing home says their hands are tied as he is signing that he will be responsible for her care. However, he is a compulsive liar and will definitely not doing any of what he is saying. I have repeatedly told him and anyone else that if she goes home, I will not provide ANY assistance. I know that will be tough when she is crying on the phone to me. I am at a loss as to what to do and know it will be difficult to maintain the hands off approach until this horrible experiment inevitably fails.
Apparently my brother called her last night and told her that he would not actually be able to do any of the things he was promising he would do for her. I'm guessing it finally got through to him when I told him he would be brought up on charges of elder abuse and neglect if he signs that he will be there for her 24/7 and then find her home alone.
Whatever it was, it is a miracle. I pray this lasts.
We need to stop and think there is a victim here, your Mom. If I was in this situation I would go to an Elder Law Attorney and get some advice and follow it through. Get your Mom away from your brother because what he is doing to totally unfair to your Mom.
She cannot live under those conditions where she needs 24 hour care and is only getting 4 hours. That's like leaving a child home alone for 20 hours.
Two more things came to mind that you should prepare for ahead of time.
First - when the home health care people start to call you. Surely as things start to get bumpy - no Depends in the house, a medication wasn't refilled- they will start to call you because your mom told them to, they can't get your brother to return their calls or even your brother lying to them and saying "oh yes, my sister is going to do that". Be prepared ahead of time so you're not put on the spot. If your voice mail message allows room you might change it to "Hi, this is Star. I can't get to the phone. Please leave a message. If this is regarding Mrs Stars Mom please call Mr Stars Brother at area code 503-A$$-hol@. Okay - his real phone number.
The second thing - when it really begins to get hard for your brother he is going to call you. He won't admit his mistake but he will try to get you to help him. Tactics will range from lying, bullying and threats to lying, crying and being pathetic. Be ready for what you're going to tell him - standing your ground.
Who knows? Maybe brother will rise to the occasion and things will work out - but don't count on it. Leopards don't change their spots, tigers don't change their stripes and pompous a$$ siblings are never as smart as they think they are.
But still - in my head I amuse myself by imagining their phone call. Mom - "oh sonny, I just can't wait until we get home! After you change my Depends and give me a sponge bath, we'll go to the all-you-can-eat buffet- its "seniors night" and then we can swing by Walmart. Tomorrow we need to refill all my prescriptions so it's off to CVS. Saturday would be good for a drive and a movie. Sunday after we go to church together we can go for another drive and stop for desert. You should be making a list - I'll need extra Depends and all my medications. Remember - lights out by 7:30pm". Sonny - " (crickets) ".
I know that's not how it went but just imagining it that way makes me smile.
My own brother once suggested I should have let our mom move in with me - in my two bedroom house - with hubby and our adult, sevearly disabled adult son. Of course he was fully retired at the time, no kids at home and not one - but 2 four and five bedroom homes. Said he just couldn't expect his wife to take care of mom! Seriously?!! So, I like to get my passive-aggressive jollies by fantising torture for all evil brothers!
On a serious note - be sure to praise your mom profusely for making the best choice. I'm happy for you - even though we all don't really personally know each other here at AC, I always get ridiculously pleased when any of us get to put one in the win column!
Ignoring your Moms calls will provoke a huge amount of guilt in you. And, you will forever be worried that she will pass because of the neglect.
Honestly, I would answer the call. I would respond to Mom with alarm! "Oh no!, brother was supposed to take care of this..on no...I am calling for APS to come and help you right now!" Then do it.
After you do this...APS will be watching. If Mom or brother have trouble from APS...they will take over her care.
Get serious about protecting Mom ... but not with you own hands!
To be honest, I was only giving it until your brother tried to get her into his car for the first time. That moment was a real eye-opener for my own brother.
The only way your brother might come to face facts is for you to let this run its course to failure. If you think you'll weaken if your mom calls in tears - don't answer the phone. Give your mom her own ring tone if you mainly use a cell. That way you won't be extra tempted by actually having the phone in your hand. After all - it's a short trip from the hand to the ear!
If worse comes to worse you can always call 911 and send them to your moms house - if you suspect there may be an emergency that needs immediate action.
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