I have for 33 years, and I am exhausted. Mom seems to excuse him.Brother and family live within 25 miles of Mom, I live 10. They only show up when they get family dinner or a holiday. She had a tree smash her hose when she was 90, they never came to see, let alone help. I did it all, cleaning out her stuff and moving it to storage while the house was repaired, and returning it all when it was done. She was in the hospital 3 times that summer, had a biopsy the last time, and after 3 weeks NONE of them had inquired about the outcome! I can't get my head around that attitude. When Mom is gone, I never want to see them again. I know that is not Christian, but I don't think they are very Christian either. Mom has dementia, lives in her house, which means 24/7 for me. She is the most stubborn person I have ever known. She thinks she never misplaces things, her TVs are junk - she can't remember how to use the remote., etc,etc. I'm 70. I have lost the last 5 years of my life. I love her and don't regret it - yet. but the feeling of helplessness is getting overwhelming. Any suggestions. We have an agency in 1 day a week, which Mom says she doesn't need. She does nothing herself anymore, just flits around the house and moves things. .
Think about it, how many times have you visited a continuing care facility and seen someone over the age of 60 working full-time being a caregiver? Probably none... there is a good reason... the work is exhausting and it would accelerate our own health issues.
Just because we were born female doesn't mean we were born knowing how to do caregiving... no different than your brother when he was born. He is just coping out because he doesn't want to do the work, which he feels is "women's work". Such very outdated thinking, but that is how some men were raised. How often did we see Dad being a caregiver to Mom when she was under the weather? Never..... the husbands were too busy sitting on the front porch wondering when dinner will be ready :P
Even if mom truly wants to stay at home in the worst way, if you can't do it alone and can't get enough help to make it doable, have a plan B so you don't kill yourself trying to to the impossible. To be brutally honest, that is not always figurative, it can be literal. Some caregivers who neglect their own needs for long enough have been known to pass on before their caregivees, and if that were to happen, Mom would end in in skilled care or memory care anyways. I suspect you ought to get more than one day a week agency help - you probably spend that whole time on just all the errands that are 100% your responsibility too.
As for your brother, well most of the contributors to this site have been through the same stuff. Once you move Mom and relax, you can forget about expecting anything from him. BUT as a wise person once said to me - "when your Mom is gone, your sibling is the only family you will have left'. I followed that advice and stopped expecting any help. I was able to renew the family relationship after my Mom passed.
It's hard to walk away from a parent needing help. On the other hand, if we don't put any boundaries there, then it's going to still fall to us.
It's sad that we let our families do this to us, but we're just too close to the situation to realize that we have to find ways to nip it in the bud, where possible.
Think of it, this way - if your sibling finds their lame excuse and then you fall for it and do everything, they can sit back with a clear mind - they don't have to do anything AND they don't have to worry about the parent - it's a totally great situation for them - they get it all.
Before anyone says something like, "Hey, how come some of these people don't have a conscience?," well, who knows. If we could figure out why some people are responsible and others aren't, we could write a book, get rich, and pay for our parents to be taken care of in great style without any more worries, probably. :-)
Hey you never chose your family, you care for your mother, so now its time to choose your life and love yourself. This might sound hard but after 2wks your mother wont remember where she lived or what her house was all about. and after 2mths she will stop that routine I hate being here my family forced me into care. [that's a default built into the elderly] Please go have some fun you are only a couple of years older than me. I have already divorced most of the family apart from one. and its really nice n pleasant.
please be brave believe in yourself You helped your mother and have done the right thing God Bless YouKeep Positive.
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My example is people say I should put my Wife Wendy in a nursing home but I can afford to have carers in and Wendy is peaceful I know one day Nursing home may happen although I think she will pass on peacefully at home.
Others do not know and don't want to know the pain you went through
If your not on same train as your brother he will ignore you
Bless You I am not religious but the more We go down this journey it helps
Best Wishes Kevin
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