My 91 year old Grandfather moved in with me 4 months ago, after being released from Rehab for a broken femur. He also has COPD. Prior to the fall, he was surprisingly independent, and we expected he would get better after rehab, not worse. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. The first month I spent caring for him by myself. On top of our 4 kids aged 5-15, a senior epileptic dog, a full time job, and a husband who likes my time too. I quickly realized that Pop is now a lot more dependent than I had expected, and it was a VERY hard adjustment on all of us - especially me ( and him I'm sure)... I was doing everything on my own..helping him bath, do pills, rub lotion, meals, etc. I was even rushing home on my lunch break every day to make him lunch and rush back to work, and had many, many restless nights. My husband wasn't sleeping either and he SNAPPED on me multiple times. Husband finally stepped in and told my Poppy you are getting an aide in here, whether you like it or not - in nicer terms. Pop had been totally against getting home help, as he still felt he could be independent again and also didn't want to spend the money. Eventually we got an aide in to do the morning "shift" of 8am - 12pm, which helped tremendously, but still leaves me on the day/evening shifts and Sundays all day. At first Pop was tremendously grateful and appreciative to me and from time to time still has these moments, but has gotten increasingly more depressed and cantankerous. He insults every single meal I make; I literally have a food story for every single day. After a while, it makes me not even want to be around him. Not to mention the constant complaining about not feeling good, or worrying about the household of mooching adult family members that he enables and lets stay at his old house that he was supposed to be selling - which was originally why he came to stay with me (to sell the house so he could afford assisted living)...plans changed I guess. He even gave them his credit card and they spend $1200 a month on CIGARETTES alone! Mind you, their smoking in his house is what gave him COPD! Meanwhile, he can barely afford his own care or to help us out with bills or groceries at our house. I digress. The reason I'm here venting is b/c I've been feeling resentful, guilty, and burnt out. I feel alone in this. I feel like I can't get up and go when I need a break. Like go for a weekend or a week or even two! Between the kids and dog, it was complicated enough already, but now with Pop too - I just feel trapped. I'm mad at my family and I'm mad at the situation. I hate the thoughts I have at times and the disgust I feel in the caregiving tasks, or even the other things like the smell of adult diapers and pee urinals being used in my home all the time. I feel guilty bc this man did everything for me and my siblings; he raised us as his own and had the patience and understanding of a Saint. So I feel like I owe this to him. But it's just so hard. He needs so much and even with the aides, I'm just so stressed many times. Especially now that I'm working from home with all this COVID stuff. There's no separation. I have a small house. The sounds of him choking and gurgling on his mucous, the coughing, the talking about his poop every day, the burps. It's like he's a constant bodily function now and not my Grandpa who I love so dearly. He leaves his privates to hang out of his diapers all day, to make easy access to pee in urinal while he's awake. I don't want to see that! I feel like every time I sit down, he needs me. Or the kids. Or the dog. Or my husband. Or my job. I always feel needed and have nothing left to give to myself, or even to them many times. Everything frustrates me. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Top it off with feeling so guilty bc I know will miss him when he's not around anymore and I love him so dearly...but I just can't take it. In over my head. Thanks for listening.
Let me reframe this for you.
You are being used.
He lets OTHER family members live in his home rent free, allows them free access to his assets and that means he has to depend upon YOUR family to house him?
We do NOT owe the folks who raised us our mental and physical health. Parenting is a gift that gets paid forward to the next generation. The time you spend being pulled this way and that is time with your kids that you will never get back.
Depression is often anger turned inward.
Grandpa must stop the money leak. The moochers get notice to vacate and credit card gets cancelled. Tomorrow.
Start looking at nice ALs nearby. If grandpa refuses these steps, he gets to live with moochers.
It’s late and I am much too tired to give advice now, as there seems to be a lot to unravel. I just wanted you to know that you’ve been heard and that you have a right to your feelings. Taking care of an adult with mental and physical disabilities is much harder than taking care of several children. I am praying that you have a restful sleep tonight.
Eldercare is NOT like child care. Children grow and develop independence. Elders grow more diminished and have more and more complex needs as they age. There are no right answers. There are no "fixes". There is only the "least worst choice".
And of course, we are greatly concerned with the leader's dignity and " independence" (sometimes a sham); we end up twisting ourselves into depressed pretzels trying to meet every need, all while neglecting ourselves, our children and our marriages.
This situation you are in isnt sustainable. It may, ironically, be better right now because you're home and not commuting to work. But this can't last.
Grandpa is being financially abused by the moochers. Do you have POA? Does anyone? If grandpa can't or won't stand up to them, you may need to help him retain an attorney to deal with them. I suspect he's got some cognitive issues going on that are subtle and may warrant some investigation once things start to open again.
One more thing. There is a scary, verified statistic out there: 35% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. We've had fairly young folks on this board who've had hear attacks, strokes and horrific back injuries because they just couldn't say no to their loved ones.
Please take care of yourself, Hk!
((((((Hugs))))))
So please get that out of your mind that you somehow "owe" him. You don't. Not at all. Not in this way. Nope!! Do it because you want to in your heart, but don't do it because you think you have to. You don't.
My heart goes out to you because I do know how stressful it is <3 And I hope things improve for you.
Rent and groceries should be an expense that is negotiated and written out. It shouldn't be him handing you so cash for time to time.
If he needs a nursing home down the line and his assets are gone, he must account for 5 years worth of "where has your money gone".
If he's giving out his credit card? That's gifting. If he's giving you money and its not documented in a caregiver agreement, that is also gifting.
Please get this all squared away soon. Don't wait until he is doubly incontinent and bedridden to find out that his assets are all gone and NOT eligible for Medicaid.
So where are the other siblings now, and why has it all been on you?
Maybe consult your other siblings, and all of you make a plan.
The other posts have great advice. Start extricating yourself from this situation NOW.
If at all possible, Grampa should make you his durable PoA. If he doesn't, the county will eventually become his guardian and then no family member has control. If he has any ability to comprehend and retain this fact, he should be told. Him making you his PoA must happen before he gets a formal medical diagnosis of dementia in his records. Once you have PoA you'll be able to more easily and legally help him. Hopefully he will give you financial PoA as well so you can help manage his financial affairs, kick out the squatters and sell his house. You must lock down access to his assets (like credit cards, etc) so they moochers don't suck him dry (and they will). I wish you all the best in dealing with this and peace in your heart that moving him out does NOT mean you don't love him. Just the opposite.
And why do you say this is temporary? Has this ONLY become unbearable since you've been locked down without aides?
Arent' the aides considered essential workers where you are? I have a friend whose 99 year old mom has aides. The agency social worker called her at the beginning of lockdown and said "so, would you be able to look after your mom until this is over?" My friend said "no, I cannot". And that was that, the aides continue to come.
If this arrangement is to continue, you need to acknowledge to yourself and to Pop that this is hard and that you are doing it out of love. But that he is showing you disrespect by allowing himself to be fleeced by the other relatives.
Acknowledge and OWN your anger and annoyance. And make sure that when life begins to normalize, that Pop goes, on a regular basis, to respite at AL so that you and your husband can get away or just have some privacy.
The temporary comment I made was just because he is 91 years old and on hospice...but it’s long term hospice...so I say “it’s only temporary” to try and calm myself down when I get upset or frustrated, and remember that pop probably doesn’t have that much time left...but I really have no idea how long “not long” is.
I think you are right about why I feel that anger- feeling disrespected by him letting the others leach off of him, while I’m the one working so hard because he “can’t afford” to get more care for himself or to be in an assisted living place.
Please think about how to remediate your situation in the here and now.
soon.