Follow
Share

My mother will find something for me to do. Today it was a 2 1/2 hour visit to the vet for her yorkie and shitzu that had nothing wrong with them. It took the vet this long to kindly explain this.He didn't tell her anything I hadn't told her.Her yorkie is not going to be cured with surgery, he is a purebred and with that comes the usual skeletal problems. Although watching him chase the cat this morning someone must have forgotten to tell him he was ill. I refused to be a part of her "torturing" this poor little fella with multiple vet visits anymore. I have 6 of my own dogs. I love them all even hers but I will not be a part of her Munchhausen's.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

32 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Having dementia -- esp. in the earlier stages, does NOT mean that they have NO control over their behavior! They may not have as much conscious control, but that is VERY different from NO control!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
StandingAlone "I finally snapped one day and told her that if she wasn't on the floor bleeding or going into cardiac arrest, or had some real need, DON'T CALL ME, because I'd ignore her. I also told her that I wasn't her personal programmed robot, and that I didn't come with buttons that she could constantly push because she was bored. She treated me not as a human being, but as an extension of HERSELF, and hell no I wasn't having it.
There comes a time when you say ENOUGH. The end."
Well put. I don't think it can emphasized enough that since these terrorist parents will not change how they treat us . We have to learn how to react or not react to the behaviors. I'm talking about the ones who have their minds for the most part and can control their bad behavior when they need to not the parents who have dementia and no control over their behavior.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Ferris im sitting here waiting to hear if my best friends mother is going to live or die also my mums brain scan results are back tommorrow so I couldnt give a rats ass what you think of me! Use your time to paint your nails or something? But bog off and leave me alone im here for support not to notch up helpful answers! How many did we score today?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It's not even so much about "reading minds", it is about assumptions for the worst case scenario before even knowing what the dealeo is.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I think we get it you CANT read minds! YAWN!! BUT can you take the time like I do to read everybodys threads so you have a better idea of what they have been through before making your cold remarks! Be grateful that you had a great mum and show some empathy towards us that may not have had an idylic childhood, ive been through hell in my short life but one thing im very grateful for is that I can feel empathy for anyone who is going through a bad time!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I think you have to pick and choose; and Tex, you are right, the vet visits are stressful for the pets and obviously unnecessary so you should stop it. Divert her attention if you can and suggest a nice walk outside with the pet or some play fun instead.

Its hard and I think some parents come up with "list" just because they want to see us and have us spend time. They don't want quick visits and its an opportunity to "revert" to their "old role" of giving us chores. Frankly, for me, I welcome a list when I visit because it gives me something constructive to do; gets mom at least "active" in doing handing me something or watching me on the ladder change a bulb or battery, etc. vs. her just sitting around feeling sorry for herself or rehashing same old stories.

But that is just me. I don't live nearby or get asked to do this everyday so it is very different than others who are full time caregivers or visit daily. My heart goes out to you guys. If it were my case, I'd set boundaries and say make a list; then go over the list with the parent; prioritize and do some things and put others on "later or tomorrow list" and divert them to "lets go get an ice cream; lets go get a shake, lets play a game of rummy before I have to go, etc."
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Texarkana-You never mentioned your mother's abuse. Had you included ALL your information, my response would have been different of course. Don't see her, don't talk to her and forget I ever mentioned anything to you. I cannot read minds.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I don't know what happened but my post was deleted so here goes again.

Texarkana, I have two daughters who are nurses. One did the Med/Surgical thing and is was harddddddddd. Tiring, stressful and just not for a wimp. The other ICU Trauma, hardddddd, difficult, death and dismemberment on a daily basis. I know what you have seen and done and my hat is off to you.

No one should judge on this site. I have been judged too. It pissed me off too.
So what I came to understand is unless you have walked in my shoes, your opinion is just that, your opinion.

There are some people who post on this site who really, in my humble opinion, just love to see people praise their flowery writing. They really haven't experienced any of the problem.

I have a nasty, selfish, narcissistic mother who does absolutely nothing for anyone. I stopped calling her six months ago because she would never pick up the phone and call me, her only daughter. Yesterday I talked to her for the first time. She called to inquire about her grand daughter who will have a baby in the next few days. Of course, she would never call the grand daughter.

During the conversation she didn't fail to tell me that one of her six siblings was the "only one" who cared anything about her. Nothing changes with age or time. So I truly understand you frustration. And you are a saint to have her in your home.

Mom will be in assisted living because I am a bad, ungrateful, so and so. So there I said it and I think there are numerous people here who will smile to themselves in understanding.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Ferris, I must say, maybe to YOU, 'busy work' is a good thing, but it damn sure wasn't for me. Not all parents are fluffy, warm little clouds, raining love and warmth and affection on their much loved children. Some of us deal with the hellions and monsters. YOU be thankful YOUR mother wasn't one of them. I could have done with a whole lot LESS time with MY mother, thank you.

Busy work...oh Lawd, yes. All. The. Time. Constantly! My mom would call me 100 times a day to do...something...that pretty much amounted to...nothing. She'd call me to pick a piece of lint off the floor. Yes, indeed. She'd call me and point out into the yard, saying 'That, that!', and I of course had no damn idea what was bugging her about the yard. She'd call me because she wanted her chair moved...to the right...no, to the left...no, now she wants it back more...no, this time she wants it forward...the TV wasn't sitting just so, the coffee wasn't hot enough, so heat it...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...endlessly. I finally snapped one day and told her that if she wasn't on the floor bleeding or going into cardiac arrest, or had some real need, DON'T CALL ME, because I'd ignore her. I also told her that I wasn't her personal programmed robot, and that I didn't come with buttons that she could constantly push because she was bored. She treated me not as a human being, but as an extension of HERSELF, and hell no I wasn't having it.

There comes a time when you say ENOUGH. The end.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
that's interesting Jennym never thought of it like that how sad is that. my mum has become a bit manic about getting things done its scary she is always sitting with pen and paper with things to do on it. What you've said makes sense!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I too have odd behavior like this to deal with...Mom's dog gets sick with ear infections or allergies so we have to run her to the doctor for medication and a special diet, then Mom decides to feed the dog the food the dog is allergic to and makes the dog sick again. It goes round and round and since her memory is about 10/15 minutes she never remembers what she can or cannot do.

I can be busy with 50 things that need to be done by noon and she will come in an be upset that NO ONE has taken the recycling over and dropped it off! Guess who NO ONE is?

She gets mad and screams wanting to know "Just who put this crap here rather than throw it in the trash!" It was her!!!!!

Our work shop needed a new roof and I told her I was going to have to hire someone and she got mad yelling that I could do it!!! Sure Mom, I am a woman and not a young one!!!

Welcome the world of Dementia and Alzheimer's!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Hey ferris 1 get off my back and off your high horse.My mother was emotionally abusive and I still can't believe I let her in my house.Busy work is a good thing? How about it is manipulative behavior?Heard of that.Oh wow ,my mother wants to spend time with me? That's a good one. Wish I lived in your Ozzie and Harriet world.You have no idea.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
My mom has passed but she used to have all kinds of busy work for me. I told her to quit watching all those home improvement shows on TV because I didn't have time to renovate her house just because the ideas were "cute" or I would've already done it in my own home. I worked full time, my husband was in poor health, and I didn't have any free time as it was. She just wanted to control me. I finally told her we would pick and choose her projects. Oh believe me, she never stopped coming up with busy work but I had to stick by my decision or lose my sanity.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
@twotonne - in my view, my mother is in need of these things too but refuses to do any of them. I wish it was that easy. I would have her involved in many things, When I take her out for a meal - in a lovely setting - I am fortunate if I can divert her thoughts to things other than her complaints and needs for part of the time. She is totally fixated on herself and her perceived needs, and has been all her life. Now she is fixated on her paranoia delusions. Some are born self centered (narcissistic) and some become this way more as they age. She refuses to take meds that would help her, she refuses any suggestions of activities that would give her something else to think about, she wants people to come to her and listen to her "troubles" and that is all she wants apart from wanting me or whoever she can recruit to do her bidding - fix this, fix that, (and do it instantly) tell so and so off, take so and so to court etc. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Texarkana, your mother is needing some outside activities to occupy her. Scout around for senior activity centers, adult daycare, bridge clubs, sewing circles, church bazaar workshops, college classes for seniors, singing groups, etc. What does she like to do? If her dogs are her only life, maybe she can start up a doggie play group with other elders. Right now it sounds like you are her only social life. Help her change that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My experiences with my 92 y/o Uncle are similar to everyone here, and especially AllOfMe761. Everytime he wants me to do some errand or task outside of his apt., he will ask me "When" are you going to do it? He is very much like everyone has described. No matter how much I do for him when I visit his apt., he always finds 'one more thing' that absolutely needs to be done or looked at before I go (like take the garbage out even if there is only a few papers in it). Then of course, there are the never-ending reminders of things he wants or needs me to do that I put in order of importance but to him every single thing is critical. After the items are done (and reported as 'done' to him), we have numerous 'follow-up' inquiries (which really pushes my buttons), because he does not have any dementia and has a memory like an elephant. When I remind him that I already informed him that the task was done, he says "Well I just wanted to make sure", which I find infuriating and insulting and have told him so. Point blank, I have said to him: Did I you think I was lying to you the first time? What possible reason would I lie to you? In all these years have I ever lied to you? I think JennyM's comment about "Nesting" makes a lot of sense. I suppose subconsciously they are preparing for the end, and don't want anything left undone. It would explain why every little thing is so critical and urgent to them, but not to us. Interestingly, one of the things my Uncle keeps bugging me to do is take him to the cemetary where his parents and sister are buried to "make sure" there is still a spot for him by his Mom & Pop, and how much everything will cost. I know the spot is there and funds are available, so I'm not worried about it, but he is. I think I will try to schedule this item in sooner than later, just to put him at ease.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
My mom tries to find busy work for me to do. So when she calls me and then tells me to do something unnecessary I tell her I'm not playing fetch which is what I call it. "Move this table over there" then later she will call me back in to move it back. Nope not happening. I used to be a pushover for her manipulative BS but I had to have a knee replacement and she still tried to manipulate me into playing fetch for her even though she knew I was in a lot of pain,. This is the same woman who wanted me to wait on her the same day after I came back home from having hip surgery. These actions speak loud and clear about where I stand in her eyes. She believes I'm on earth to serve all her wants and needs regardless of the cost to my health and well being.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
My mother has a lot of busy work for me, too. I dread the question, "You know what we need to do?" I know the we is me, and whatever it is will take several hours doing something that my parents neglected doing for 50 years.

Today was a sore one for me. She wanted to go visit my brother again. My brother lives about 1 hour away. The drive there is on high-traffic interstates, so not relaxing at all. I have been doing a lot of things for the past three weeks and told her I was tired. She got mad at me and told me we were going. She then called my brother, who told her they were going to be busy, so it wasn't a good time to visit. She was sweet and understanding with him. If it had been me, she would have just told me I better get unbusy, because we were going to do it. I get no respect.

So I was glad that my brother was too busy because I was mighty tired. But I was pissed that she showed him so much more respect than me. When she and I went out to eat later, I mentioned we had been to my brother's not long ago. She said we hadn't been in over a year. I reminded her of all the times we had been out there this year and she just looked confused. She doesn't even remember going.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
If she had a dacshund, you could say she had Muttchaussen by doxie. Sorry... I couldn't resist.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Sorry but I really cant warm to you ferris and find your anwers cold and uncaring? I wonder sometimes why you are on this site?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
"Busy" work is a good thing. It allows her time with her daughter and she is trying to help her pet. If she has the money to visit the vet, then why do you object? Instead of complaining, be thankful you have a mother who spends time with you. Most of us do not.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Gosh yes we all get several a day. It's a little bit of attention-seeking mixed with anxiety and boredom.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
She is "nesting". Just like a pregnant woman about to give birth she senses that she needs to have everything "ready" for the next step in her life. She's trying to make sure everything is done that needs doing while she still can be aware of it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My Mother is knitting very simple caps for "poor kids". She's made well over 50! They're not too cute, but a church takes them. I wonder if they really give them out. But it makes her feel useful and helpful.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
In my experience, I think it has to do with making sure you are around. My FIL would make a list of groceries he wanted. I would get them and take them to his apartment. Then he would ask if I got something that was NOT on the list - so I would have to go back to the store. He would always say - "just do it tomorrow when you come". Pretty much insuring that I would be coming back tomorrow FOR SURE. It was a never ending process. If I tried to "guess ahead" of him - and get extra things - he would always come up with something else. I started to throw food away that would spoil. I finally figured out this game and just said it would have to wait until the next time I went to the store, and told him to start another new grocery list. I think it was his way to "look forward to the next visit".
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Today's conversation with my father. Dad, "Can I have the car this weekend." (I only let him drive the car if I'm in it). Me, "Where do you want to go?" Dad, "Anywhere."

There seem to be no activities he wants to do outside of the out that either don't involve me, or don't involve him driving the car by himself.

So I'm going to say yes. I get "busy work" requests.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It's taken me a long time to try and deal with this stuff with mly 98 yr old father.
He is a great note person. I always have some kind of note on the kitchen counter. I read them and either answer them or throw them away. I'm finding out that most of the time he never asks if I've read them. I'm also finding that he likes duties, things to do with his hands. He recently was fitted properly with
good leather shoes. We stopped at a near by show repair shop and bought polish. His shoes look wonderful, with numerous coats of polish on them. I had an idea and gave him a pair of my dark brown shoes with a brown handbag. He has been polishing them and they now look brand new. Just some ideas of what I experience every day.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Good for you tex - we have to set up boundaries. My mother would keep me busy 24/7 on wild goose chases if I allowed it. I think it is part of a controlling nature and also narcissism which wants the world to revolve around them. Don't know about yours, but mine has been like this all her life. It is not Alz or dementia, she has never been diagnosed with either, it is narcissism.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
So there is the dilemma! We love our parents yet once this A/D sets in the small quirks have them treating those they love as their whipping posts. I try to remind myself that my mother is scared- (yet wants to put on a tough front) she is angry because things happening in her reality are not stopping or going away and they are always someone else's fault, (She has no sense that it is not "real"), she is lonely and wants attention from those she loves (even if it means acting out at them). She is fearful of embarrassing herself even sitting down to a group doing a puzzle in the community room. When I am with her she wants to voice her emotions in complaints about caregivers, her apartment, my father, my siblings, not driving, not getting her mail on time, and of course it is "Shut up" and "You don't know anything" when I try to help. My husband says why do you keep going to her? And all I can say is "She's my mother...." May we all have patience and strong support through each other during this life transition. Soon enough we too will be the "elders"...
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Oh so this is another JOY of dementia is it? my mum is wrecking my head everyday about what needs to be done around the house? Its all she does then sits there making up little pathetic lists, Ive had to tell her to change the subject several times like I dont have enough to do!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter