My grandmother has Alzheimer and we recently found out that my step-grandfather who is married to my grandmother is having an affair with the caregiver that is taking care of my grandmother. The caregiver isn't contracted by any company. I have screenshots of my step-grandfather posting pictures on his facebook of my grandmother nurse calling her "his love" and calling her family his inlaws and stating he's found his better half, while currently my grandmother is still living and they are still married living in the same house. My grandmother has completely stopped eating and is pretty much skin and bones! We believe the caregiver is now living in my grandmother house and also brought in her little son too. My step-grandfather is keeping us away from seeing my grandmother also, and has also taken us off of every assets my grandmother has promised us when she was in the right state of mind. what can we do If he is having adultery and infidelity and is just waiting for my grandmother to die to take all her assets? We are in Texas. My grandmother stays in a room all day, we're not even sure if she showers. My father tried to speak to my grandmother on the phone today and she didn't want to speak because she said my father hits her. My father than ask my grandmother if someone is hitting her over there and she didn't respond.
If I could post a picture of my grandmother I would. I took a picture of her one of the times we were able to visit and she was skin and bones! She's lost more weight since then.
It won't matter to APS that step-GP is in love with the caregiver UNLESS that leaves your vulnerable GM at risk.
Weight loss with dementia is quite common, they forget how to eat and sometimes just will not. Force feeding her would be abuse and could cause aspiration pneumonia.
I don't understand why, but people with dementia often experience sudden and extreme weight loss. For my husband, that just put him at a more healthy weight. For someone starting out at a good weight that can be worrying.
If you think there is abuse and neglect going on, ask APS for a welfare check. But as Glad points out, what you are seeing might be explained as a result of GM's dementia, and not be abuse at all.
You are understandably upset that stepGP seems to be having an affair with GM's caregiver, right under GM's nose. (Do you know, by the way, if GM knows this, and what her attitude about it is?) Be mad about that! But try not to let it color everything you see in their home.
When my parents lived at home alone, they both had a fair share of black/blue and red marks on their arms and face. As one ages their skin becomes thin and the slightest bump can cause such a bruise. One day my Mom had a blue/blue/red bruise on the side of her face, very typical of falling into a piece of furniture.
Once my Mom went into long-term-care, she was telling the wildest stories, saying this person or that person was hitting her. And she was still getting bruises from falling out of her wheelchair, or trying to stand up to walk and bumping into her hospital bed. And as people age, they do start to lose weight, unless they were very heavy to begin with, then we don't notice the weight loss as quickly.
When my Mom passed, all the assets went to my Dad, which is usually the norm. Same with both sets of my grandparents. Now material things were saved to hand out to the grandchildren.
Now, the caregiver could be 100% innocent. Could be that Grandfather might have a touch of dementia, thus he is imagining that the caregiver and him are an item, and is bragging on FaceBook. Who knows, the caregiver might be appalled if she knew he was saying such things.
But if you are correct, and something untoward is happening to Granny, then do something about it!
He shouldn't be holding her hostage, from seeing her family!
The caregiver that is there she is young, maybe around 27-32 years old.
It's not an imagination to my stepg about his and the caregiver affair.
The caregiver is also posting on social media about their relationship and other stuff.
WE ARE GOING TO GO THROUGH APS.
I do know people with Alzheimer/ dementia tell the wildest stories. A few times when I watched my grandm for a few hours she did speak of the wildest stories. My grandm would always tells us my stepg was sleeping with the nurse, but at that time we thought she was just speaking crazy.
The caregiver does live with him, but not because of my grandm.
We also found out all the times my stepg would go out of town he would also take the caregiver and her son to his family house and he would put my grandm in a nursing home, while he and her were out of town.
If I were to show up unannounced to my grandm house, do I or my father have the right to see my grandm or can he make us leave without seeing her? Someone told me he could call the cops on us if he wanted to.
But what your step grandfather and the caregiver get up to in their own time and space is none of your business.
Gosh. In fact, if you don't mind, I'd really rather not think about it.
As always say follow the money!
Did stopgap marry gma for her money?
Does he have access to and is he spending lavishly on the caregiver?
Does the caregiver expect to marry stepgpa once gma is dead and hopes this is as soon as possible.
Do everything you can to protect gma and ensure proper care. Starting with APS is a good place and hopefully they would involve police if they felt something illegal is happening
If the caregiver were giving good care, not just assuming that gm wants to stay in bed - I wouldn't care if the stepgf and caregiver bonded, it's a hard job and a lonely one, to devote one's time to care, particularly of someone with Alzheimers. But asking questions about alternative options should get the focus where it's needed, and the stepgf should know he needs to answer to her family.
But it simply is true that elders bruise easily and often do things that cause bruises (fall, bump into furniture). This isn't intended to discredit anything. It is just true. Does this apply to Gma? We certainly don't know! But it is a possibility that Chrissy should be aware of as she investigates.
The same is true about complaints of abuse. Many, many of us have personally been blamed by a person with dementia for something we didn't do or that never happened.
Caring for someone with dementia is VERY different than caring for an elder whose brain isn't damaged. Chrissy suspects abuse and she is going to investigate. That is appropriate and good. She also needs to know some basic truths about dementia behavior as she moves forward.
Your point about taking elders seriously is well-taken. Dementia makes things more complicated.
Over this side of the pond we would call it Protection or safeguarding vulnerable adults and your call would come under duty of care or a welfare check. However if you truly believe she is being neglected or physically abused then that is a police matter in the UK and again over here I would call them first given I know how long it takes a social worker to visit (currently waiting 11 months) although protection professionals will call quicker
With the Step GF being 30 years younger, he may just be "done", with the whole caregiving thing, burnt out, love struck or whatever.
I would still get APS and the police to investigate, but her life and welfare come first.
People do fall out of love, even during the tough phases of caregiving, and fall in love with other people, your Grandparents may have even come to such an agreement or understanding, it's definitely Shady, the way he's going about it, and I sure hope he isn't abusing or neglecting Grandma, along the way!
Or if he has only been married to Grandma a short amount of time, say less than 10 years, and around the time her Dementia kicked in, I'd say he is possibly an opportunist, taking advantage of an older lady with means, like a house and money, but if it's been longer than that, then he probably did marry her for love, and this is just the unfortunate way in which he is showing his poor judgement, by moving on, before Grandma has passed.
Either way, your family may very well be out of any inheritance, or anything you thought might be coming your way once Grandma does pass away, as she is in her 80's, has dementia and obviously other health conditions specific to her losing so much weight. But to me, the 30 years age gap between Grandma and her husband seems a little questionable, and might well intend to keep everything for himself.
Like Veronica said follow the money, and be prepared to kiss it and any inheritance goodbye, but first see to Grandma, and make sure she's OK, and get her out of there if you can! Nobody should Expect an inheritance these days.
Where is your Grandfather in all of this? Is he deceased or are they divorced? This is such a sad situation! I'm so sorry Sweetie!
I hope you come back to update us! Good Luck!