Is calling APS a sure fire way to get help for your loved one?

Wow Joannes you have spelled it out for me & I so appreciate your time. I am going to sit down with dad & tell him these options. We are at the beginning of trying different things to help her. I do have to walk a different path now because nothing else has worked & she's getting meaner every day. She is suspicious when I phone dad & often yells at him to hang up. I don't think an aide would work because she thinks he's cheating with every woman they see & even men occasionally! I still want to try for an aide to clean. I live 80 miles away & take care of my grandson full time. Dad does all the housework, cooking, & outdoor work onthe farm. It's a load for a 76 yr old man. I have no sibs nearby to help or relatives close enough to drop in. So sorry your hubby has Parkinson's. You are really overloaded. It sounds like you have your ducks in a row. Thanks so much for sharing. I have felt so hopeless lately.

Theresa53....We never have our own ducks in a row, I do not think! I can suggest, teach and reflect on how I walked and how many corners I turned and came full circle before I found something that worked, but, believe me, when I am in the middle of the crises, or one of Mom's outbursts, I just want to sit and cry like everyone else! And the steps I mentioned, were NOT an easy list. I've been doing this with my folks for 3 years now....and still feel like I am treading water! I can suggest what I wish someone would have listed to me in the first year because there was so much wasted time, energy and tears to get these few things to work. RE: help in the home....it was DAD who needed help but said he didn't. I worked with Mom to say that SHE needed help 'with cleaning'. She didn't want to even pretend to say she needed help. I can see now, that even three years ago, her resistance and communications were her dementia already showing up! Anyhow, finally...after months of talking and arguing and calling me with every crises....calls from Mom: " Would you call your dad and tell him he didn't take his medicine this morning." "Would you call your dad and tell him he needs to take a shower". And my Dad would say that Mom was crazy.... and, in so many ways, he was right! I couldn't tell the manipulations between them from what was real. And I live 5 hours away! Anyhow, finally they agreed to try a helper for 30 days. And, one of the selling points they grabbed on to, had to do with someone calling APS. We had had police there several times over one summer, due to them fighting and yelling with the windows opened. One time I actually called from here for a welfare check. But lawyer suggested I use those calls as a way to say, that if the neighbors called APS, we ....me, them, the lawyer, would not have any say so about decisions made if APS didn't think they were safe. Lawyer said if WE had a health care helper coming in and we were contracted with an agency, then APS would not remove anyone from the home, or put anyone else in charge. NOW it was a bit of an exaggeration because if APS can find family who will take charge, they won't take over...but, as the lawyer, said, why not just give them the worst case scenario because it COULD happen, especially when I was out of town and could not take them in. Well, that got their attention! AS with most their age, they wanted NO involvement with any gov't agency prying into their lives. So I stressed, " Well we create our own plan. We have a helper for the minimum number of hours that the agency requires and if you still hate it after a month, we'll stop it and think of something else." The gal we got (AND you can request a MALE too!) was amazingly experienced with dementia and she understood how to befriend dad, AND help Mom and help Mom see that she could handle Dad and stop the bickering. At the end of the month, Dad's dementia was such that he didn't remember she had not always been coming....and Mom started to appreciate the 'help' she was getting too. That person stayed a year, including 5 months after Dad was placed because Mom was lonely alone and needed help adjusting. Then the caregiver got ill and had to quit and we've been with no one. Another suggestion....call the local council on aging, in your town, or senior center. I got a group of volunteers involved in coming to do chores, mow the lawn, wash windows, minor repairs. They could be helpful to your Dad. In our town, they take donations, and no charges. They also now bring Mom fresh veggies weekly and call to offer to take her to activities to get her out of the house. She generally refuses....but at least it's an invitation. I even called the VA and the VFW to try to get a volunteer from there just to stop by and visit with my Dad, cause he loved then to talk about his war experiences and he didn't drive anymore, so couldn't get out of the house unless Mom took him somewhere. My dad was in a paranoid state for awhile and he accused Mom of meeting men at the grocery store. She did leave the house every day at approx. the same time, and go do runs to various stores to look for 'specials' and often came home with nothing, so could see WHY he wondered about her trips. He would call me, totally anxious...and even tell me that he had followed her and yes, she went into the grocery, but then she came out and followed a man away in both cars. And he wasn't driving so I knew he had not even followed her and misinterpreted what she was doing! He needed meds. I didn't understand until he first got placed and got involved with a geri psych office. The meds didn't zonk him out or anything....just helped him feel more normal and sleep better at night. He could have come home again with some caregivers....but Mom couldn't help him with anything at that point because she was going downhill too much and they always negatively fed off each other anyhow. My Dad is now 93 and my Mom is 89....so you can see where it would be much harder for one to care for the other. I am 70 myself...and life is getting harder for me everyday! My long term goal for them both, if they live much longer, is to move them both into a full service AL in Phoenix....where I have a daughter and family living. That is only 3 hours from me, plus I would be staying with daughter then, and not at Mom's house, with an endless supply of things she wants me to do while there! And in between my visits, my daughter could visit them and be my eyes and ears. It would need to be a place that had Memory care for Dad....and eventually, I am sure Mom would also need memory care anyhow... But then, they could visit each other as much as they wished, and Mom would not be driving and they would have increased assistance as they needed it. Mom would have others for friendship and socializing. She's not hearing of any of it at this point, so it's help in the home, but just this week, she's learned that her close friend, who is 94 has been convinced by her sons to sell the house and move into assisted living. Mom is going with her friend to look at places. Her friend has asked Mom to think about moving in with her too...we'll see! But at least another friend is going through the same issues in old age, so that might help Mom come around and think about it more. It is all very hard. For them...and for us!

Hi Joannes, I am facing opposition from mom for help & dad protecting her at his cost of peace. She just begged me to believe her that he took her pills out of her Fri box, injected her in her sleep with drugs to put her in deep sleep. Then, 5 shots in her neck & ea leg. This us every day conversation. They have an 80 acre farm. He rents the land now. She thinks the share croppers are after the farm & their wives are having affairs with dad. I am calling area agency on aging as soon as the baby takes a nap. This is my next step. I like the idea of an aide in there for housework. They both are showering fine right now on their own. I hope your mom follows her friend to AL. It's too lonely to be old & live alone. I talked to mom about AL & she said she wouldn't know anyone. She doesn't exactly have a social life now. They are only 76 & I'm 53. Wish I had gotten more good years out of them. But, Dementia goes when & where it wants.