A very good friend of mine, whom we have known and basically call our grandma for almost 8 years now, has gone into a memory care facility, and her one and only son who is the POA has decided suddenly that I can no longer visit her, (he’s let me for the last 5 years) giving no explanation at all, other than having the caregiver at the facility tell me that I could no longer come to visit her (who puts that burden on someone else?) I’ve tried to reach him by phone, text, through his wife, with n0 reply. You would think that being in the care system, it would be nice to have your friends visit you, I just feel like he’s punishing us both. I’m so confused and don’t understand why? It is extremely upsetting! Is this legal?
It is possible that after your visits she would become upset. (unbeknownst to you)
If this is the case and it would take the staff a while to calm her down they may have said something.
It is also possible that she has said she does not want visitors.
It is possible that she has declined to the point where she does not recognize anyone.
You can..
Write her a letter.
You can send flowers.
As difficult as it is accept the fact that this woman is no longer part of your life.
Can you go knock on his door and speak to him?
I was visiting a friend in a care home and I brought ice cream, I decided that there was enough for everyone to have some, after getting permission from the caregivers, I went around and passed out ice cream and spoke with everyone. What broke my heart was a little old lady telling me how precious my actions were, because they get put in these places and then they are forgotten by everyone. We have to do better with those we love and the people around them. Tell her son this story. Just because she can't remember or can't function doesn't mean she can't feel love given to her. To be forgotten while we are still living must be a terrible reality for so many seniors in care.
When he allows you to visit, do not entertain any talk of how wrong this placement is, how she should be at how or what an a$$ her son is. Try to help her adjust to her new home and love her right where she is.
I agree with some of the things grandma1954 said, try write to her, flowers with your contact info. Otherwise if the POA includes responsibility for a person's health, you might need to seek legal advice. It sounds like you had a strong connection, so you might want to pursue it. However if you are not related it might not be worth it.
I'm guessing the son has asked the facility to stop anything from you, flowers, letters, phone calls?
It's a big shock and pain, to one minute share a strong human connection with someone and the next minute nothing, plus on top it, because you are not related there's nothing you can do about it, unless the grandma herself speaks up. If the grandma is in a memory facility, Does she even know you visited?
Make peace with yourself, hold the good memories of the 5 years, over time remember you did someone some good.
And, as you say, if I need to make peace with myself and others, and keep all of our good memories, I will do that the best I can.
Several of the permanent residents at the home had Alzheimer’s disease. Some were often confused and approached me when I went to visit my mom.
One woman even asked me to take her to the parking lot so she could find her car to drive herself home. As sad as it was, I avoided having any conversations with this woman because she didn’t understand why she was in a nursing home. I allowed the qualified staff to deal her wanting to go home.
How often were you visiting her? You aren’t there all the time so you don’t know what goes on when you’re not there.
As grandma and cwille said, it is possible that something upset her after your visit and it was decided to not allow her to have visitors.
Without knowing the circumstances or the reasons behind all of this, it’s impossible to know what the POA is thinking.
I know that it’s hard for you because you would like to see her. It’s sad that her POA will not inform you of what is going on. Maybe he doesn’t know how to cope with it and is placing everything on a shelf so to speak so he doesn’t have to deal with it.
Funny story, 1st time I met him, he had followed me through the house and I introduced myself and asked him what his name was, he got a very serious look on his face, leaned over and said, "I am keeping that secret" then turned and wandered off.
So often something upsets them and we don’t know what it is. My mother in her home with devoted caregivers would get agitated and worried if someone came in the house. We needed to have certain repairs done at times, like fixing the washing machine, but she didn’t know who they were. She was afraid of strangers, and who knows what her mind told her they were. She couldn’t tell us.
Remember that she’s not the same as she was. A friend of mine in memory care loves cards, though we don’t think she knows who they’re from. She looks at them and talks to them. Try that route and maybe enclose a picture of yourself. Good luck!
There are legal processes whereby someone with POA can make a best interests decision to exclude visitors for various good reasons, and you wouldn't necessarily have the right to know what those reasons are in any kind of detail - in fact, if it's to do with a safeguarding issue the information could well be confidential and you couldn't be told even if you weren't the problem.
But I wouldn't expect this to be left to a caregiver to communicate to you, and the exclusion process isn't simply a matter of the POA saying don't let Mrs Buggins in because I don't like her being here. The facility has a duty of care towards your friend, and a duty to promote her interests which normally would include her right to maintain her relationships, so they wouldn't just take an instruction from a POA which appears to go against those interests and say "oh okay then" without understanding the basis for the instruction.
Have you spoken to anyone more senior at the facility about it?
Why have you assumed that the son's action is intended to be punitive in some way? - what's happened during your last few visits to make you think that?
When I first met my friend, my Grandma had recently passed away and she was such a comfort for me. I picked her up for church, took her to doctors appointments, helped clean her house and my husband helped with clearing her walk when it snowed even though she was across town. I invited her to all the events we went to. We have loads of pictures of her with us as if we were family. I knew she had a son because she talked about him and there were pictures of him at her house. But, I didn’t actually meet him until her memory got bad enough that she lost her car. I was happy that he was helping her. Then, she fell and broke her hip and went to rehab. We visited her there and he was okay with that and asked if I would foster her dogs until he knew what would happen. We fostered her dogs for four months. When he moved her to an assisted living facility, we visited her there and he allowed me to pick her up for church. Then, she got lost several times and couldn’t find her way back to that facility and he moved her to a nice memory care facility where we visited her and were still allowed to pick her up for church and bring her to some events and go on walks. Then, Covid happened. We did window visits, sent cards and her favorite candy. I got her a puppy calendar every year and wrote memories and sent pictures of us to her. Other friends did too. She remembered us until we started going back to visit her in person and she didn’t always remember who I was. I accepted that and helped her by going over the picture book I had made for her and she ALWAYS remembered our dog! ☺️ One day when I was visiting her, one of the girls said she was going to miss her and I asked her why. She said that she was moving out. Her son was coming that day to take her somewhere else. I called his number the minute I got in the car to see what was happening. He didn’t answer, I left a message and sent a text. Then, I called his wife and she answered and said that it was getting too expensive there. I asked if I could please visit her at the new place. She said yes, gave me the address and phone number. Same as always, we went to visit her, but this memory care place is in a residential home. They have 6-8 people living there and my friend went from a room to herself and the ability to walk circles in the facility and courtyard to sharing a room and only walking a hallway to the living room where everyone else is and all chairs are covered with pads. The multiple times I visited her there, she was in a chair, dozing. She can’t hear well and so I used to use my AirPods to help her hear me but the tv is always on and others were watching it and the only other place to go was the kitchen but that’s literally off the living room. We couldn’t really talk but I would hold her hand, show her pictures and when I left I would tell her I loved her and would see her again soon. The last time I went, I took another one of our friends with me to visit and the caregiver answered the door and said what I related in my first post. Every time I was there before, I spoke to the caregivers and the other residents. I even asked if I could bring cookies to share and the caregiver said definitely! I was supposed to take a friend and her puppy this week to visit because they said I could. I always signed the book to make sure they knew when I visited and for how long.😔
Sorry about using ALL the characters allowed, but thanks for letting me tell you all this, it’s healing just to be able to write this. Looking back has given me fond memories that I am so grateful to have.
Needless to say, when that newsletter went citywide, I hit the roof.
I wouldn't be surprised if your friend's son doesn't perhaps feel the same as I did. He doesn't really know you, his mother has dementia and is declining, and he's trying to protect her.
Do the gracious thing and step away. I wouldn't even attempt to contact her by mail, because it looks like an end run around her son's wishes.
there’s a backstory here that could be a misunderstanding. I would hope that this person has the decency to be open & honest
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and helpful ideas. You have given me the resolve to be mindful of not only my wants but that of others in the situation. I have not given up my love for my friend but there is no way to not “stir the pot”. I don’t need that in my life and neither does my friend, this disease is the real reason for everything and there’s no fighting it.
In the past, you had nice visits. Dementia worsens over time, you know that don’t you? maybe in the stage your friend is in now, visits are upsetting. As for no explanation from the son, that’s a shame, however he owes you nothing.
Be gracious and if your asked to stay away, then stay away. It hurts. Loss always hurts.
Often times, those in the position of POA or guardian have it hard, get challenged, are accused if things - it's not an easy job by any means. I'm sure he knows and wants the best for his Mom.
As my 85 year old father has Alzheimers, he's often confused, in his own world, tells stories that didn't occur, is paranoid, etc. These things can change based on the day, how he's feeling, who visits him, etc. It's no one's fault, just the terrible disease. I am his legal guardian and do my very best to protect him. There are people and certain family members that visit and he either gets upset during or after visits with him. I've made changes such as monitored or no visits from these people because they no longer matched may Dad's frame of mind or peace and what was in his best intetest. Your friend's Alzheimers state may have changed and her son's doing his best to protect his Mom.
You have to let this attempt with him and/or his wife be your last. If not, it may not boad well with him and for you. You will just have to accept his answer. That also means no answer from him is an answer of no more visits from you. Keep her in your heart, always. I am sorry and do wish you peace and healing.
As far as pushing him for answers, that would only reinforce his capability to determine you can't visit.
Let it go, and remember the good times.
Legally, I suppose you would have to contact an atty in your state to find out more about visitation or at least getting an answer about why you can't visit.
18 months & $$$$$legal fees later, no change.
"your friend" as grandma. This happened in my family with a former neighbor and friend of my 96 year old mother, who was coming in our house when none of us were home; she knew where the extra key was hidden. She thought she had the right to come into our home whenver she wanted. To this day I do not know what personal information she stole. It caused quite a ruckus between my mother and myself and the whole family. I banned that woman and her son from my house. When my father was alive he didn't want her coming into their home, but after he died, said woman tried to take over. She even posted pictures of my mother and her, her son on FB referring to my mother as her grandma. Fortunately she moved to another state because she got into trouble with other people for other things she did that I believe were illegal. Oh, she was very nice to my mother; told her everything she wanted to hear. IMO I can completely understand why you have been banned from seeing this woman you refer to as your Grandma - It is difficult enough to care for an elderly loved one without having someone assume they have a right to visit or be part of their lives. My advice would be to step away; you are not her family!!!!
The POA is required to act to the benefit of the grantor (your friend). The POA must prove it's to the benefit of your friend that you stay away.
Good luck.
My family and I have decided that pursuing it would be an uphill battle that would end up hurting more people that don’t deserve it.
To answer My2cents, no, he didn’t move her because of me. His wife said I could visit her at the new place and gave me the address as well as telling me it was too expensive at the place she was at before. I am pretty sure she wouldn’t have done that if she thought they were moving her because of me.
Honestly, I may never know why he chose this route, it’s a lose, lose situation, but I have come to terms with it. And, I will not hold anything against him for his choices.
Again, I want to thank so many of you for your kind words of encouragement and helpful ideas. You have given me the resolve to be mindful of not only my wants but that of others in the situation. I have not given up my love for my dear friend but there is no way to make this situation a happy one. I don’t need that in my life and neither does my friend or our families, this disease is the real reason for everything and there’s no fighting it.
I’m sorry, I will no longer be responding to this page as it just hurts too much.💗❤️💗