Resident is former military and is to the point on almost everything. She speaks her mind and comes off as being rude, but that is her nature. I myself have been told I don’t talk nice, and this came to be after having gone through a change of life. They have her eat 1 hour after everyone else, and if she is being very rude, they send her to memory care. I feel that the facility can’t confine her and this is punishment.
Thank You
It sounds as though your AL is delivering to the letter, it’s mostly that you don’t like what they deliver. In fact you have very little respect for them, even though they fit most residents. You are probably not popular with the staff – you even dislike their accents when they say your name! So what’s to do? Here are some suggestions:
1) Look for another AL. You could even contact Mensa, which I know used to be active in the USA, to see if they have a contact system for ideas from members. You can’t be the only intelligent elder with your problems, and they might have good suggestions. It sounds as though moving to another district probably wouldn’t be a big problem.
2) You could sign on for an on-line University course, in something that interests you. It will certainly challenge your brain and fill up time (my DH actually had to quit because it was too demanding). Most have organised interaction with lecturers and other students.
3) We had a poster a while ago who wrote that in the AL she knew, most high-functioning men stayed in their rooms in the day, but afterhours they all met in someone’s room and partied on the way they wanted to. Could you see if there are any women who could go this way with you? Or if the men would let you in?
4) Most libraries I know have a home delivery service for home-bound people, and the librarians go to quite a lot of trouble to find out what their users like – authors for fiction, topics for non-fiction. Check to see if you could access this service.
5) If nothing works, reconsider whether some medication might help the situation. You don’t need to be a zombie, but you don’t want to make life more and more unpleasant for you and everyone else. Something mild might actually help. I take drugs for pain, even though they semi-zombie me a bit.
I sincerely hope that I don’t end up in a situation like yours. I don’t think I’d cope too well either. I’ve never even seen a bingo game, and neither had my mother. Yours, Margaret
I don’t think going to a dollar store or Wally World is “shopping.” What’s wrong with a mall or department store? They gave me a lecture about “supervision” and “security” but I don’t need either of those. I’m not the only resident who has complained about it, either. Most get their kids to take them but I don’t have family. The director says to just shop online, which is what I do, but it’s annoying. Don’t you like to try things on? Have a break at a Cinnabon?
I subscribe to magazines and order lots of books. It’s stultifying.
This is a form of abuse.
Isolation is abuse.
Mealtimes were a pain due to two residents with dementia who are allowed to scream continuously and wander around grabbing food off other people’s plates! I’m eating in my room instead.
The doctor tried to put me on antideppressants and sleep meds I do not need or want. He said it would “make it easier” and “help me adjust.” This was after a meeting with the director so I was deeply frightened.
The staff uses baby talk and ends everything with a little trilling “ ‘kayyyy??” at the end! “We’re going to take you to the beauty parlor now, ‘kaaayyy?” It’s infuriating. They said I was “rude” and lectured me like a toddler when I reported it.
We’re allowed pets but I’ve awakened to find my cat gone twice. Supposedly she was “accidentally” let outside.
I didn’t come here to be treated like a child. I am an elder orphan with no children or other family and I am terrified of losing more control as I age. I have limited funds so moving to something with better amenities may be out of financial range. They now know I am looking at other options and I’m afraid of retaliation or being kept here against my will. One of the nastier nurse aides sneered that i might find what i want is not in my interest. It scared me badly, especially after the doc tried to talk me into mood-altering meds. Can they find a way to make me stay???
How can they keep you against your will?
You should change doctors, the worse advice ever.
Rudeness cannot be attributed to prior military service.
a) You have been asked before not to post in CAPS. It’s shouting, and it’s rude. If you have some relevant typing disability, a better choice is to post all in lower case.
b) Please read previous posts.
c) OP is a staff member who wants to know the law – not relevant for this site. It is not this person’s business to do any of the things you have suggested, and would probably result in employment termination.
My mom has a tendency to tell stories, and that sounds like a story she has told me often about staff. It seems like (in mom's eyes/mind), that staff is always changing the rules for her.
I've asked staff about some of the stories mom has told me, and that is what they are...stories.
As others have said the rights of the other residents to enjoy their meals is an important factor here and purposely or not she has chosen to eat eat alone. But to really answer your question “Can a facility make a resident stay in their room for all meals…” reading the contract that residents or their representatives sign which probably includes “rules” or rights, procedures they aren’t the same for every facility which is why it’s useful to consider the differences when choosing one, I would refer you to that first and see if it has anything to say about a situation like this.
aggressive elderly person….cursing, shouting etc. she was removed from the dining room from this.
we have to protect all residents.
i can’t imagine one resident upsetting multiple residents….that would be a nightmare to handle
** The question of what is categorized by management/administrators as behavior that is "disturbing others" is not a black/white issue -- few things are these days. A short time ago, I realized that all my slippers were ready for the dustbin, so I had to set about buying new ones. I bought 3 pairs, and the other day I had them all lined up by my bed and realized that they were ALL the same color: gray. I told myself a joke: that I was subconsciously showcasing that it now seems that all areas are "grey." The other day, after a year-long search for a set of salt & pepper shakers to my liking, I finally found a set. I was so pleased with my purchase that I also bought at the same time their own small shelf to display them on in the kitchen. The other day I realized why I liked them so much: they are black & white. Now, at least I can truthfully say that some things in my life ARE black and white...
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They have no right to stick her in memory care if she has not been diagnosed with dementia. Memory care is for people with dementia.
People are rude and unpleasant every day. They don't get sent to memory care.
I would be on the side of the AL with them prohibiting her from taking meals in the dining room if she's acting up and disturbing the other residents. Why should they have to tolerate her rude nonsense during mealtimes?
And, it's okay if some folks have said you don't talk 'nice'. I don't either. People often mistake plain speech for rudeness or not being nice. Not the same thing.
If this resident doesn't have dementia, she needs somebody to put her in her place and tell her plainly that either she keeps her behavior in check or get used to dining alone three times a day.
If she truly can't control her behavior, then she probably needs to be in memory care, not assisted living. They have a bit more tolerance for people's quirks, but nevertheless she doesn't get to run roughshod over other residents regardless of where she lives.
This is something for the resident, her family, and the administration to handle.
I'm not a religious person, but I say a prayer that you get well enough to get the hell out of that nursing home.
Be sure and remember that laws allow for rules and EVERYONE involved has rights.
Rules have to exist in residential care, otherwise, the inmates are running the asylum, so to speak.
My brother, in his own ALF used to laugh with me that it was a bit like being in a commune in the 60s. There would have to be community meetings to settle the squabbles. Myra wants the shades in the common room up for the natural light so she can draw. Doreen wants them down because the light disturbs her eyesight. That sort of thing. And yes, there would be the occasional disagreement.
There were in the common room tables which were game tables and mealtime tables and people ate together at a table. Sometimes one or another didn't like a table mate and moved to another table.
However, if Mom can't get along at ALL the tables, you can see that is a problem. And yes, they can ask her to eat on her own that being the case. And yes, if she is not cooperative because she is exhibiting dementia she can be asked to move to a higher level of care, memory care. And yes, in fact she can be asked to move out of the facility altogether.
At my brother's ALF we were given a huge packet of admission papers. Among them was the portion dedicated to the reasons we might ask you to leave the facility.
So this would be the norm in most facilities. I don't know if your Mom can "understand the rules" and react accordingly (in the Military that is a requirement), or if she can no longer hold her peace no matter the requirements. Discuss it with her. Don't criticize but do explain, gently, the consequences, and who is in charge. Again, being in the Military she will understand that.
As my bro used to say "I am pretty private and don't necessarily like living in a "communal setting" but you know, it's like the army; I make the best of it."
I am afraid Mom is going to have to give that a try.
If the person does not suffer from Dementia then not sure if they can keep them from eating in the dining room. They are paying to live there and it their residence. I would think, though, that the person has been asked to tone it down and when they did not do it, they were asked to eat in their room. Really, if you choose to live with others you need to know how to communicate with them.
People eating in a restaurant or drinking in a bar are paying. If a person acts up they get thrown out.
If a person living in a rent acts up and makes problems their landlord evicts them even though they're paying.
If this woman acts up and disturbs the other residents during meal times then she should be eating in her room.
Sending her to memory care if she doesn't have dementia is wrong and cruel.
Please think of others and not just your mother. We live in a PC time.
Think about how unpleasant it is when you are eating at a restaurant and there is a child experiencing some sort of tantrum and how disturbing that is. This is no different with the exception that elderly in facilities do not have a high tolerance for bad behavior.