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As the only adult child living nearby, I am the one who has cared for our parents as they have grown older. The past several years have been rough. Dad died in February and mom has been in assisted living since December. Maintaining their home as well as my own has been exhausting.


While I am glad that the discussion about selling the house has been started, I dread trying to figure out what to do with everything. The house is loaded with furniture including a few really nice family pieces, 4 china cabinets full of china and crystal sets, books, tools, etc. Lots of collectibles with a fair amount of hoarding as well. There’s a great deal of stuff that none of us will want but there are also some things that we will all want. With Covid, it will be harder for my siblings to get here. They both still work full time as do I.


Can anyone offer tips or strategies to prevent damage to sibling relationships?

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I agree that a video walk through is the way to go. When my sister & I inherited our great-grandma house, and everything in it,, we walked though and, flipping a coin for who went 1st, we each would pick 1 thing, then the other and so forth till all the thing we wanted were spoken for. Good luck. And if no one else want anything, you can cal in an auction house to take care of it.
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You’re right that offspring often don’t care the way that used to be the case. When I was a kid, we had so little, that anything handed down was a ‘treasure’. Now people have so much junk that they worry about getting rid of it.

My neighbor cared a lot about her 12 piece Noritake dinner set, which had been a major purchase earlier in her life. None of the daughters in law wanted it – gold rims mean that it shouldn’t go in the dishwasher, it’s all too difficult. She found it heart breaking.

If people can't make a reasonable effort to make choices, it's not wrong to assume that they don't care.
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You would be surprised that children are not as interested in their parent’s stuff as they were. Maybe you can set a time limit & say you’re setting up time & day to come get what you want. The rest call 1800gotjunk. Or sell house with whatever next family needs. Don’t spend the rest of your life on this...make the plan & stick to it! Hugs 🤗
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marymary2 Oct 2020
So true. At my mother's insistence, I drove her around to antique places, second hand shops and called in auctioneers and resale experts. All her "treasures" (fine china, crystal, linens) were rejected because the experts all said no one wants that kind of thing anymore. One auctioneer offered to see them in lots of $1, but she said no. I donated some but the rest she dragged with her to the "downsized" place I had to get her to fit it all. My siblings can kill each other over the rest. (I've accepted I'll never get anything from her and frankly I don't want to remember a minute of any of these people.)
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was in the same sad position, my sisters and me just drew straws to decide who had first second and third choice, and that's how we split items, turns each at choosing until everything was split. not easy and very heartbreaking but with no will that seemed the fairest way with with collectables, jewellery and furniture.
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With everyone out of town it’s hard to do a ‘walk through’ like we did with my husband’s grandmother. I think a video walk through would suffice in this situation. If anyone wants to pay for storage of something until they can go see it in person they could do that. Otherwise, the stuff if still going to sit there in the home.

Isn’t it amazing how many storage facilities there are? That is a fairly low maintenance business that makes a profit.

I have bought off eBay but never sold anything on there. Sell what you aren’t donating. I have had a few garage sales that I sold just about everything.
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Start with an estate evaluation, have someone come in and assign $ value to the "good stuff". Then go through the less valuable things that are actually likely to be more sentimental. Set up bins or shelves for each sibling. Obvious items - "This is the fishing pole Grampa gave Jimmy on his 8th birthday" go to the person it matters to most. Dual valued items - "Sis and I used to play dress up with Mom's wedding dress and fancy party clothes" - gets set aside for those two to debate. Multiples, like record albums, let each choose a few that are special. Items of $$ value get "stacked" against the overall value of inheritance, so if Mom leaves a $10,000 life policy to all 3, it is roughly 3,300 per person, and "Bob" wants the china valued at $1500, then he surrenders $1500 of his share of the money, unless there is an equal value item each wants, like one gets china one gets crystal and third gets the hutch. Get everybody together at one time, do a round robin of choices. Trades allowed. Eventually everybody has some things they really want, some they do not care about, and one or two that may be disputed, so then somebody gets A and the other gets B.
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When my father died, 10 years after my mother, the day of the funeral with all the family there, all were invited back to the home to take whatever they wanted. The only claim I made was their bedroom furniture and the old photos. I could photocopy those and give them to any family members who wanted them. I made a calendar using an old family photo for each month and put everyone's birthday at the proper date. The leftover furniture, clothes, and other items no one wanted we gave to Goodwill. Then we sold the house.

Everyone knew the system I set up and all went along with it. When I got the bedroom furniture home, I set it up in one of my unused bedrooms pretty much the way my mom and dad had it all the years they had the house with the same items on the dressers arranged the same way. That is my "memory room" and I go there once a week to pray for their souls and be in touch. I bought a new mattress for the bed though.

As I age, I wonder who, if anyone, will want this furniture in the future when I have to move or pass away and if I should be making arrangements for this before hand.
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Remember how gorgeous vintage women’s hats were? Oh my gosh, the hat boxes were really nice too.

My husband’s grandmother had a beautiful collection of expensive hats! I wasn’t interested then but I wish that I had taken them.

I was asked about taking her furs too. She flew to New York to shop every year. She had full length, jacket length, stoles, etc. I am anti fur so I didn’t want them. Her housekeeper loved furs. I gave them to her. She deserved them due to being treated so shabbily from my husband’s grandmother!

I was practical and took the antique furniture. She was a wonderful artist and I took several oil paintings, charcoal pieces and pastels. I took a few pieces of jewelry.

We were even offered the entire home! It was a beautiful home in uptown New Orleans but she was so mean that I thought she would have haunted us!

We should have accepted it and burned a ton of sage, called in clergy for a blessing, anything to rid the place of her lingering spirit! 😂 LOL

I also wish I had taken some things from the kitchen like the old cast iron pots and pans.

There are so many belongings that are left when people die. We can accumulate so much over the years. I don’t like clutter. The older I get, the less that I want.

I have started giving away sentimental items that people want before I die.
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Start by making a list of all items of "value". Ask siblings to contribute to the list based on what they remember and/or want. Hopefully you can get someone to help you, as this is a big task and you will be surprised at what people want and don't want.

In my family we then gave each person $500 in Monopoly Money (this could be virtual $$ on a running tab, and you could do the bidding activity on Zoom). Then we went through the list. If no one wanted the item it might go for $1. If several people wanted it the bidding started and went up based on how much it was desired.

The point was that each person would walk away with no more than $500 worth of items. Someone might spend their entire $500 on something they really want and another person might end up with 20 items. But the important thing was for everyone to remember that the value was being set by the group via the bidding process. And, it helps if you have someone in the family who is willing to be the banker and documents all the bids so that everything is transparent. Once you spend your $500 you're out.

Good luck!
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Imho, I had to live with my late mother 7 states away from my own and moved into her house. When she passed away while I was living with her, I then was faced with the monumental task of purging her house of all possessions before it was put on the market. Here are some tips -
-Gave away gifts of some of her items to dear friends.
-Gave away furniture to family and friends.
-Gave 138 baskets to local florist.
-Found resale shop to give away remaining furniture.
-Gave away senior health items and clothing to senior thrift shop.
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When it was our turn, my brother and I were pretty fortunate to reach agreements. Now, 10 years later, I can't even remember what the few differences were.

That said, I always marveled how my Mother's family handled that issue. They grouped items into like value/type sets and numbered them (1-6 as there were 6 siblings) and then they drew for each set. They were free to trade items after the drawing was complete but also no argument if someone choose not to trade. One thing that fell outside of that were the dining room chairs. There were 12 chairs and 12 grandkids. We each got a chair.
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We let individuals choose items or sets of item of similar value starting with the oldest and rotating. If there was strong disagreement, we decided to let the individuals play rock paper scissors. If no one wanted something, we gave it to good will or throwaway. We also set a lot of stuff on the curve -- we live in the neighborhood where people regularly scouted neighborhood trash for resell. We had pleaseant discussion about why certain things were important to us. We cleaned the house out in about three days. We roll up a good will truck, set stuf out on the curve and we all went home satisfied and with good memories.

I on the other hand, have a specific will giving specific items to individual with the understanding that they can trade, re-gift or give to goodwill or set on the curve for neighborhood folks
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Prior to my loved one's passing, the POA offered, and I declined receiving anything after his death.
This may not help those trying to give away things, but part of my reason was to save them the effort of all the details required to disperse those belongings during Covid Safe at Home.

I have his memories, way back to my childhood when he was living with us.
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As DPOA, I moved my father out of his large condo into Memory Care. There was a waiting list for the condo, so it sold immediately and I had about a 1-1/2 months to clear it out. I asked my siblings to give me a list of what they wanted (so I had a paper trail). Any conflicts would be resolved between those who wanted the same thing; we'd flip a coin if necessary. That wasn't the problem. I offered to meet each one at the condo so they could do a walk-thru at their leisure and convenience. Two of them work but managed to do so; one of them lived out-of-town. The third unemployed sibling who lived in town simply couldn't find the time to do it. He wanted me to send him pictures and measurements. (He had lived there 4 years!) After 3 weeks, I invited the adult grandchildren in to take what they wanted, which annoyed the sibling who was "too busy". I had communicated to all the timeline on this from the get-go. Those who wanted something came and got it. There was no subterfuge. The building management let me hold an "internal" sale within the building but most of the other residents had done their own downsizing and came only out of curiosity. The out-of-town sibling helped me make many trips to Goodwill with leftover household items. I had someone come in to take junk. Lastly (or so I thought), I had movers come take remaining furniture/items, which family had flagged, to public storage for later pickup. Over a year later and some of that stuff is still in public storage waiting to be picked up. The out-of-town sibling DID make several trips back to take things home, but the "too busy" sibling changed his mind several times. Meanwhile, my father passed away. This required yet another round with the siblings to gather interest and another move of furniture to public storage. (This time I had 1 week to clear out.) My intent was to be totally fair but the end result was expensive and the "too busy" sibling made my life a living h*ll for several months. The silver lining is that I never have to deal with him again.

Oh, I tried to donate furniture but they weren't taking donations by the last quarter of 2019 and then the pandemic kicked in the 1st quarter of 2020 and they weren't taking donations again. And they don't want to pick up from public storage.
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Maryjann Sep 2020
I hope you have some funds earmarked from the estate to pay for the storage and that you're footing that bill. Give them a reasonable deadline (by Christmas maybe?) and then say that you're taking what you want and then not paying the space rental any longer. People will sit for YEARS if there is no deadline. (At least they did in my mom's family.)
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Arduous task, but assuming everyone is equal in the Totem Pole, these are the steps: Everyone gathers at the location for a 6-8 hour job. Trash gets dispensed. Items of insignificant importance to the group, but still in working order, donated to a worthy cause. The items meant for family keeping divided equally, in ascending order of value. Now, if a particular item is desired by more than one sibling, throw of the dice. All this, of course, if that level of congeniality exists. Otherwise, arguments, grudges, and long lasting bitter feelings are known to ensue. Like the 3 Musketeers always did: One for all, and all for one.
We gave away ourselves over 35 Boxes to a couple of charities (check with the Better Business Bureau, if in doubt). Sadly, in our case, it was a little more like tower of babel style. Best of lucks. Long Live America!
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Suz123, ask your siblings what they want. If they have an interest in the same item, I would write their names on a piece of paper, put them in a bowl, let a child draw out a piece of paper ( if possible, use FaceTime or zoom so your siblings can see the actual drawing). I think this is really one way of not being caught in the middle and very fair way to make the decision as to whose name is drawn. Hope this helps. Continue drawing names every time their is interest in the same items.
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sneeze1234 Sep 2020
This sounds so simple, yet fair.
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Organize like items in groups. Take photos of the groups and share them either via email, Facebook page, Facebook message or text message. Be firm on “come and take it” by a set date.
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Who is the power of attorney ? My sister was-- so I asked and took what I got-- now I have some stuff, not everything. Good luck. If something is of great value-- will it be passed back to the family after that family member passes away ? Or will it be passed down to their children ? Legally-- the former. But to keep the peace-- choose your battles. No -- thing is worth a loss of family attendance at Christmas ...
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My mother's family broke out into fights on 2 occasions because everyone waited until the family member died before this was ever discussed. No one saw it coming, we all assumed they would behave civilly, but when memories are at stake you cannot count on that. 20 yrs ago my parents updated their will and checked with my sister and I to see what we wanted. They checked again 10 yrs ago and then recently when my mom got sick. Everything goes and we split it 50/50 fyi. There are a lot of great suggestions here but I highly recommend everyone pick what they want and the estate is divided before your mom passes.
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Contact your siblings and ask what item(s) they have interest in. You may need to take photos of item(s). Once the family members have communicated with you what item(s) they are interested in, put a tag on with their name. Another option is to sell everything and split the money between the siblings. If there is something specific you wish to keep, tell the siblings and let they respond if they feel it is acceptable for your keeping
With covid-19 and family working it is going to be harder for family to pick up items and sounds like some items would be too large or costly to transport or ship.
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My husbands family did the following:
Made three piles that all boys considered "equal" in their "value", then drew lots for the pile they got. It seems to be the most fair way that I've heard. So many other ways end up with people not feeling heard, or certain siblings running over others.
I am SO not looking forward to this when it comes.
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After our parents passed away, my brothers and I decided that no material possessions were worth more than our relationships. So we each went through the house and put stickers on what we wanted. When we both wanted the same thing, we either bartered for something else or simply let the other one have it. My problem as Executrix is all of the stuff no one said they wanted originally. That was not quite true as we got down to the nitty gritty of going through drawers and closets. So we went through it all over again in cycles. Have patience and be good to one another.
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When my mother died we made up an inventory and sent it to all concerned with the oldest having first choice down to the youngest. Then begin again with first choice, second choice, third choice etc. Can negotiate. Can also send pictures. What hasn't been chosen goes into estate sale. Close friends may want something for remembrance. Check estate sale companies, some are more organized than others, they split the profits but also clear out everything left.
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DiDaDo123456 Sep 2020
They did this in my Mother's family, she was child #11 (the youngest). She didn't have much to pick from.

Starting with the oldest sibling isn't fair. Not trying to start animosity, just would recommend you draw numbers for who goes first.
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May I suggest that you take pictures of the things you DON’t want and email them to your siblings for an opinion. Remind them that shipping would be their responsibility if they decide to take anything— or in the case of furniture, they might have to drive a u-haul to collect the stuff. Anyway, what we did was have an appraiser come in to give us an idea of what the China, crystal, cabinets and other furniture is worth. Then we sold them to an auction house because we didn’t want all that stuff and split the proceeds. You are entitled to a fee for your work in arranging any of this. I hope this helps.
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Oh how I feel for you and your siblings. My sister is in your shoes but I live abroad which makes it even more difficult. My sister has had to handle most of the problems with the house and a little cabin in the woods with support from my moms friend/pa who stayed on for us. But we are to the point were we need to move forward and bang! Along comes a pandemic that keeps me from going over. It’s heart breaking for me not to be able to have many of the sentimental things I’d like due to shipping problems and it’s so stressful for her trying to take care of it all with a busy job. I feel so bad I can’t come and take care of some of the little jobs that need doing that I actually would enjoy doing. I won’t feel like I’ve had closure when we have to sell the house if I can’t spend time just being there saying goodbye to Mom. So while she is lumbered with all the tasks, she also is afforded the opportunity to emotionally move forward while I’m stuck in a time warp. She also can use the cabin in the woods for a break whenever she likes and I can’t. So when you are dividing things up, just try and remember the practical side of it too. I agree storing things must be done cautiously and I would certainly suggest a clear timeline for the end of storing things. But try and remember that part of their closure will be saying goodbye to the house and “things” as a way of saying goodbye to your parents. And that will be hard to do from a distance.
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My father and his four siblings had the best solution that I've ever seen: Each person drew a number from 1 to 5. They began in the living room and, in turn, each of them "claimed" their favorite item. They continued, in turn, until there were no more items that they particularly wanted, and then they moved to the next room.
Each person was always free to trade with another for an item that they had missed claiming, but there were to be no arguments, since each could have claimed it when they had the chance. At the end of the process they put their own items in a special place and invited my grandmother's best friends to come in and look at what was left. If someone wanted a certain china pattern because they remembered the wonderful meals my grandmother served on it, they were welcome to it. Some very small, but especially nice, items were arranged on the dining room table and all friends who came to the house were invited to select a piece that would remind them of my grandmother. Anything that was left was given to charity. 
I stood in for my father and selected items for him, since he couldn't be there, so I saw the process work from start to finish. Four siblings (plus me) from all over the country, over five days, going through a fully-furnished three-story house, yet there was not a single argument or even a cross word! Each item chosen evoked fond memories, people were telling funny and poignant stories, and what could easily have been a really terrible experience was actually made enjoyable and a tribute to my grandmother's long and eventful life.
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DiDaDo123456 Sep 2020
It was nice of you to go there for your father and his siblings to let you join. Being the child of a father who died when I was five, one of four children, it is nice when aunts/uncles understand that just because your parent isn't there, shouldn't mean an inability to have keepsakes from that side of the family, since you would if your parent were alive.
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Suz123,
When my father passed, my brothers and I used a lottery system.
We put numbers 1, 2 and 3 in a bowl. We each picked a number.
Then we took turns in that order picking what we wanted.
After we were done, we traded a few things with each other.
Obviously I didn't get everything thing that I truly wanted, however, it was fair.
More importantly, we kept it civil!!
Family is more important than stuff!
Best wishes!!
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What we (my sister and I) did - when my mother was still alive (but one could do this after parents had died)...

We (any number of siblings or other people mentioned in the will) went from room to room throughout the house. Rotate from 1 - how many people are involved.

#1 - gets first choice - if they don't want it #2 can have a choice, etc.

A couple of things we both wanted - as the items meant something to both of us. We would talk it out and negotiate. We ended up feeling good about what we wanted and what we got. There were no hard feelings.

A lot of the stuff neither of us wanted. So after my mother passed, if there was a relative or friend that we knew would appreciate the item, we offered it to them. What was left, we gave to charity.
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Great suggestions here. My problem with estate sales is that buyers expect to purchase valuable items for pennies on the dollar. My aunt passed with several large sets of china, including a full set of Wedgewood, two old silver tea sets with trays -- one was our grandmother's, and I wanted it so bad, but she had mandated everything to be sold, and a VERY old grandfather clock (1600s) and still working.
I've heard of heirs being given virtual money and have everything of value marked with a value, then they can redeem the items they want with the virtual money.
I have given a list of what I believe to be valuable items and asked the kids to pick what they want (ranked choice). But as one daughter said, it's like wanting their mother to die so they could get what they want!
My daughter's in-laws passed, so everything of value was put into storage and everyone to come and pick what they want. This of course is an expense, but if you put a time limit like one year to pick up what they want, everything else goes for sale.
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Since I was the only sibling who was retired, I moved in with my parents to take care of them - 300 miles away. I finally decided to sell my home and after they died, chose to keep theirs (needed repairs and had greatly decreased in value during the recession). Both of my siblings were married and their spouses wanted nothing brought into their homes, as they were downsizing. So, my nieces and nephews - who had little space in their rental apartments or small homes - got a few small things over a decade’s time. My sister’s husband died during that decade and I needed to eventually sell our parents’ place and move back to where I once lived. I shipped the small items my sister wanted to her, gave a few things to cousins, and had my movers pack the rest so I could take them with me to my new home. Most of our parents’ furniture was given away during the decade I remained in their home. I still have the family china and sterling silver that no one wanted (I love it). I’m in my early seventies and still hoping my niece and nephew will want the china/silver one day. Jewelry was given to family members (niece and cousin) according to the wishes of my mother and her twin (my aunt).

Very long process, but I was willing to do it and enjoyed having a decade to enjoy my parents’ things. Cousins and siblings are having a turn to enjoy them now, too.

Good luck! My siblings were all agreeable, which made it nice.
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