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My father in law is 80, lives alone, a mile from my husband and I. My sister in law lives 185 miles away. Shes insist on being the emergency number, the person the doctor calls etc.. She'll come up and stay and week at a time then go home. But, she gets upset about having to stay and wants him to move down there with her. He won't. When she is here, she "babies" him. Makes his food, brings it to him, gets his RX, tucks his dishtowel under his chin etc.. stuff his wife used to do for him. He still drives very well, goes to town, mows the lawn all that. He recently had a minor heart attack, and now she is freaking out. It's like she thinks she is the only one that can take care of her. We go over there everyday, we live a mile away. I take food to him, I get his meds ready if he needs it. But, I think he depends on her to much. He wouldn't go get his bld checked where he should, until he talked to her, because he didn't believe us, that it was the right place. She writes everything down the doctor says, but won't confront the doctor with questions (I do that) I feel like saying "Ok, you want complete control, I'm out" I just don't think it's good for him, that she is doing everything for him. Or am I wrong? He loves it, but he was used to his wife doing it for so many years until 3 years ago, when he lost her. He is lonely, but I want to take him to the Senior center, or where all the older men met for breakfast. I've mentioned it her, she just says yeah, that's a good idea. Worse is, she is a nervous wreak. What to do? Stay out of? Husband is no help, he stays out of it!

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She sounds like a controlling personality who likes to hover and smother. Take him to the Senior Center for some man cave time. He values her for the spoiling, my guess is she reminds him of better times. He values you for your independence. Don't move him unless it is HIS decision.
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Haha so he likes spoiling, but all the time would be smothering, pretty typical. Like I said, he values each of you for what you are. And a King wants his own Castle.
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I think the way SIL treats him is more about her than it is about your FIL. Control issues maybe? Guilt over something in the past? Who knows. But before this situation gets anymore acrimonious I think your husband needs to step in. This is his father and his sister. Not to say that you shouldn't be a part of your FIL's care. You've gone above and beyond the call of duty as a daughter-in-law. Maybe a family meeting is in order. Everyone sits down and figures out who will be responsible for what. But your husband must contribute. This is his family.
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Sweetness, I'm more like you. I believe seniors should continue to do what they can for as long as they can. My dad was like your FIL, my mom did everything for him, well past the point that it was healthy for him (in my opinion). When he was around me, I made him do for himself. I used to tease him about it, because he knew what he could do and yet he loved having my mom wait on him hand and foot. I would never do that for him, because I didn't think it was in his best interest, particularly after he had a stroke and needed to stay active to keep his muscle tone and strength. He passed away four years ago and my mom was able to keep up with doing a lot for herself (like laundry) until the past year.

It can be hard as a caregiver to know where to draw the line. If possible, maybe have a low-key conversation with your sister-in-law about her views on caregiving and why she chooses to do so much for her dad. I finally realized I was doing too much for my mom and stepped back and let her do until she couldn't do for herself any more. But I value personal independence, and others don't.

I think for your FIL's benefit, you should stay as involved as you can, without making yourself crazy. Your FIL and sis need your balance in their unbalanced relationship, if it's not too frustrating for you. So it's your husband's father that we're talking about? Why isn't he more involved? Do he and his sister get along?
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What is the financial situation with your FIL? Is your SIL eyeing the bank account?
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You might be wise to step back for a while. It seems like there are some family dynamics at work here that are causing stress. The daughter and the other son might feel that you are overstepping your role as the DIL. It sounds like you have good intentions, and maybe more experience in elder care issues, but maybe you could try to work "behind the scenes" a little. For example, you could visit the rehab centers that you are considering, and then report back to your husband and his siblings about the pros and cons of each. Let your husband discuss the choice with his siblings. As the local child, your husband (and you, if you are like most couples) would be the logical choice to be contact person for the medical providers, but since this usually falls to the daughter, she may feel that you are taking on her role. Does anyone have medical POA? Has your FIL signed a form for the medical providers to speak with either of you? This decision would be up to him as long as he is competent.

As time goes by and your FIL requires more help, your SIL will come to appreciate your involvement.
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Make it clear to all concerned that you are happy to help, they have only to ask. Then step away and give a little sigh of relief. Your FIL has children whose problem he can be, so don't make him yours.

Your husband wants you to stay on top of it? Naughty. If he wants to be involved in his father's care, he can involve himself and not volunteer you for the job.

One other point (bit of a tender one with me at the moment): DO continue to include your FIL in your family goings-on - celebrations, activities, anything that's practical for him. Don't let him end up out of sight, out of mind.

You are a lovely girl to have your FIL's best interests at heart.
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I've stepped back and let my sil take over, like she wanted. She has been here for over 5 weeks now. Her husband is sick, his oxygen is at 82 percent and he had to have a CAT scan, but she thought she was needed up here. Several nurses and doctors thought she was my fil's wife. Now that he is in rehab, she goes there at 9:00 am and leaves at 9:00 p.m. She kidding around called my fil "hubby" at the hospital. My fil was not the type to show affection, words or otherwise. My husband said yesterday he responded to my sil with "ok hon" He only called his wife hon. She said she was only staying till he got comfortable being there at rehab, then she would go home. He ended up going back to the hospital for 2 pints of blood yesterday. The reason I'm telling you all this because I think she is hurting him, not helping by being around him so much. Someone mentioned on here that her being around and doing so much probably reminds him of good times with his wife. Well, it sounds like he is getting confused now. She has given up her husband, kids and grandkids to hang out in the hospital. which I would admire, if he were seriously ill. But, he was just getting blood, and they were waiting for his INR to go up. So, they were taking it slow. It just seems so messed up. I found an article on line about signs of enabling an elderly parent. It gave 20 questions, I only got to ten, and answered yes to those. It's just so frustrating that she may be making herself feel better by staying, but when she leaves, in the long run, it will hurt him. He is going to miss that constant companionship. My husband agrees, but he thinks she'll see in the long run, but with my fil paying the price. I really don't want to give an opinion anymore, seems I get accused of being pushy or I get lied to. I think I'll do what I'm doing now, just go visit and leave it at that. If she wants to be caregiver she has my blessings. And, I no longer enable my husband. I pass messages on to my husband, but I don't put my 2 cents in anymore. When I did, he would just defend his sister eg. "she doesn't realize how she sounds." " Her memory isn't that good, so she depends on you to ask the questions etc." I'm not as stressed now at least.
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Sweetness, if you're feeling less stressed then that's great. Really, it's the main thing. You can offer, you can help, and goodness knows you're certainly entitled to have your own opinion of how your husband's family handles things, but in the end it's up to them. You're doing the right thing.
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yep, that's what I figured. I just don't understand how SHE can't see how it's going to be harder on him. My husband came home and told me about him calling her hon. It just shocked him. Even my kids, (17 and 23) they were here when he told me, said the only person papa ever said that to was mama. I'm still thinking it's guilt that is keeping her here for so long. So, if that eases her guilt, at his expense, I guess more power to her. It's funny, my 17 year old said "You can't make up for the past, you can only move foreward towards to future, how is Aunt*** making up for 3 years she wasn't around? They have forgiven her already mom" I sure raised a smart kid :)
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