Can a daughter in law fight a will? I feel I did more for her than all three sons for very long. I will only share what one son gets.

Nurserygirl-

Sadly, unless she puts you in her will as one of her heirs, you aren't considered an heir from a legal standpoint. Any lawyer will tell you that, and even sadder.... no lawyer would take your case even if you could afford them.

As for taking care of her... You can choose...
request she pay you,
or back off on how much you do,
or leave things as they are.


Hope this helps - sorry you are in this spot. It is hard to be an unappreciated slave! Hugs.
Sparkles

I would be up front and tell her If that's how much she thinks of you Then let her hire someone or get her sons to do the work.You don't deserve that kind of treatment and I would tell her!

Being in the will is not the answer. You have no control over what she puts in the will. You have not legal right to an inheritance. You should have a caregiver contract, so that you can be paid now for what you do. If she won't agree to this, then your only option is to stop doing the caregiving that you are doing. Let her hire an agency to do these things. She will see how expensive this is. See if there is a legal aid society near you to help you.

You should ask for a weekly stipend and if the answer is no you should quit and take care of yourself

As others have already said, a will is a will, and you will likely get frustrated trying to change that. It is sad that she chooses to not allow your husband's share to be divided per law (aka likely you first, then any children you might have), but again, that is a legal document and there isn't anything you can do to change that. Trying to fight it will only cost more money, with likely no recompense. Two other things others have mentioned: 1) a person can leave their assets to whoever they please, family or not and 2) if she does not have a burial/cremation account, her assets will have to cover that first before anyone gets a share. None of us is ever guaranteed being left an inheritance - if there is anything, and they choose to leave it to us, great. If not, c'est la vie.

Citing the brothers/business issue is really irrelevant. That was between the brother's and has nothing, really, to do with MIL (or her decision about how to leave any remaining assets.) While on asset discussion, you did indicate she has very little. One has to surmise that the house is the main asset. If she passes and this is left to all three (assuming all are still alive), there will be two options: buy the brothers out for a reasonable fair amount (get it appraised!) or sell it and use the share hubby gets to find your own place.

As for getting paid, although you indicated that you share expenses with her, I will have to make a guess that at 97 there is no mortgage. If not, sharing utilities is only fair as you use them too. Helping her pay taxes, if you do that as well, keeps the place in good standing, ensuring you all continue to have a place to live. However, these are expenses you would have whether you live with her or not, so in reality you ARE getting something out of this arrangement (again, assuming your share is utilities and perhaps part of the taxes, plus helping with upkeep.) Does it help take the sting out of any attitudes or being left out of a will? No, but it IS in a way income (by not depleting yours and hubby's.)

Making it "pretty" is something you choose to do, making it more like a home for yourself, so that's your choice. If MIL were demanding all this be done, then she should pay for it.

The best you can do is try not to read too much into MIL's comments. She may mean them, she may not. YOU know what you do for her, let her potentially mean comments slide. Someone else said perhaps back off a bit, if possible, on MIL care and use that energy to keep hubby alive and well! At least that way if anything IS inherited, you will share hubby's portion. You could choose to move out now, but what will that gain you? Big costs for rent or buying and MIL will still need someone to provide oversight (she might qualify for in-home or facility care, perhaps Medicaid, BUT if you go that route, the house will likely be lost to all. Given your disability, if Medicaid is used, they cannot throw you out or force the sale - however the brothers could, if she passes.) If she is 97 and has health issues, how much longer might she be around? Much as I wouldn't have wanted to live with my former MIL, if I was still happily married and it was something that needed doing, I would provide what care I could, BUT also make myself scarce when care wasn't needed!!!

Oh, also for those wishing our inheritance laws mimicked Australia's - be careful what you wish for! Here people can be excluded, and many deserve to be. If the laws didn't allow that, then part of your share would go to those deadbeats who skedaddled and did nothing to help care for the person, or worse, to those who bilked and or begged for/got money over many years time and did nothing to help!

Best to seek out questions from an elder law attorney.

I don't know what state you're in, but you may also have to be self-employed with the IRS before you can do those write-offs; I did (CA). It did help too.

Do you have itemized expenses? If so I’d definitely go to an attorney. You probably can’t contest the will but you may be able to get some of her expenses. Sometimes they will do work for local job and family services for cheaper. Doesn’t hurt to find out.,
My stepfather I was the one who took them to the dr, my mother was his sole caregiver but because he never changed the will his first kids who did nothing got most of it ( I literally saw his daughter for the second time in my life while he was in the hospital during his final hospitalization, he was married to my mother 20 years) except my mom got I think 30 % as spouse and her out of pocket expenses for his care and funeral . Stinks but that’s why people need to update wills🙄. I didn’t care about an inheritance from him but my mother sure deserves it.

It sounds like the family backed you into a corner and you will be the villain if you walk out on taking care of Mom, even though it really isn't your responsibility physically or fiscally. People have given you good advice about at least trying to tax deduct some of your expenses for her care. Continue to care for her if you can and want to, but discuss this with your husband and make sure he appreciates all you have done and supports your decision if you have to stop. Your marriage is your life and your home - that has to come first and is right up there with taking care of yourself. If you will feel bad about abandoning Mom, don't, but if it is too hard remember that it isn't your responsibility, just like it isn't your right to expect to inherit from her. If the relationship has soured, get yourself out and de-stress. Then go back to being a loving wife and supportive DIL, and not a martyr to Mom.

If you don't want to continue caregiving then stop. Let the sons take over, or request payment for your setvices. Mother has no obligation to include you in her will she can do what she wants. I love my son in laws, but I don't include them in my will. The IRS taking your refund? Your married did you file jointly? There's more to this than what's being said. The issue is with your husband not mother in law. Need to talk with him. You've been married a long time & maybe your in a difficult situation, but you need to take care of you, look out for yourself.

Sounds horrible, I feel for you.Make CERTAIN you take notes of ALL YOU DO!
Record EVERYTHING,..KEEP RECIEPTS FOR EVERYTHING,......
I'm in something like it ....People LIE to steal from you,..
KEEP RECIEPTS/DOCUMENT ALL DUTIES YOU DO,...Start NOW!!!

Basically, she is dividing whatever it is that she has with her sons and you are an extension of one son. The other thing is you said you're on disability, so it's possible being paid as a caregiver means that you could hold gainful employment doing caregiving for her/others. May no longer qualify as disabled because you can't tell SSA you can't work on one document and you can work on another. Depending on what kind of disability payment you get (SSI for people who did not earn enough income in their life or RSDI for people who did have enough earnings), any inheritance or lump sum payment you get can be counted as income and cut off your SSA income until it is spent down with eligible expenses...you can't give it away for someone to hold in their name for your use.
If your income was garnished by IRS, then you were probably involved in the business and perhaps the only person in the business who filed any taxes or had any reported income after the audit showed deficit.
You could talk with an attorney, however a person's will/distribution of assets is personal choice. And it is rather common for wills to say 'divided evenly between children still alive at my death'. Some people leave the deceased child's share to that child's children.Get your husband more involved in the care of his mother and maybe relieve some of your feelings.

No. You can't fight your MIL's will once she dies. You have no standing. You can not force your MIL to leave you something in her will. Your MIL doesn't even have to leave anything to her children if she doesn't want to. She could leave it all to her church or a friend, or the pool boy. It is completely up to her, and it appears that she's made it clear that you are a DIL, not a daughter. No matter what you have done for her in her life, it has no bearing on what she puts in her will. This is probably something you're going to have to come to peace with. It sucks, but that is the reality of the situation.

From here, its your choice how much of yourself you want to give to this person who doesn't really see you as family and is mean to you. If caring for her is causing health issues, perhaps it's time to let her family take over managing her care. Don't be specific, but you can just tell her that you have your own health issues to deal with and you can no longer do it. That's all she needs to be told. Reclaim your life.

No one is entitled to someone's inheritance. If there is an inheritance to give, it is up to that person's wishes, with no explanation to anyone. If the person wanted to give everything to a charity, that is their choice.

When you do something, even many things, for someone, it should be done out of your kindness and love of your heart, not for what you hope to get.

Truly with the way you are feeling unappreciated, consider hiring someone else to provide at least some of these tasks, and take time for yourself to have your own life, your own "purpose".

Living with her is a problem. The brothers probably think you are "living off her". My brother moved in with mom. She paid all the bills and expenses. He ended up getting the house signed over to him and then lost it in a divorce. Mom was on the street. Another brother provided a home for her. You will have to move when she dies - why not do it now?

One thing you might can do is get a credit on your IRS taxes for Elderly Care. If you are providing more than half her support, you can also claim her as a dependent.

Ask a CPA if you can claim the mileage for all of her appointments on your taxes too. It all depends and only a CPA or Tax Attorney can tell you what’s best for your situation.

As far as getting a separate inheritance, no. If you are worn out, then hire a caregiver or tell the brothers one of them need to take her in.

If it’s her home, then it might be time to move out. Have you been paying the mortgage, taxes and insurance or has she?

Plan now what what to do once she is gone. Unless you can buy out the other two brothers, then the house will be sold and your husband receive his share only. Don’t be in denial. It will happen at some point.

Since she always corrects people, and doesn't consider you like a daughter, I would do like others have said and back away from her care unless you are paid. My husband and i take care of his mother who does treat
me like a daughter and has never made a point of correcting people. She constantly tells us how much she appreciates us and doesn't know what she would do without us. And with all that gratitude I can still catch myself being resentful because my husband has a brother that does NOTHING. My point is if it wasn't for her sincere appreciation, it would make it impossible. You deserve compensation. I would forget about the will and make them pay you or someone else. Best of luck and please take care of yourself! If you don't put yourself first no one else will.

If you can't afford an elder law attorney to review the matter, try Legal Aid. If you were left nothing you would probably have a better chance of making a case for yourself, but since as I understand it, you were left something, you may be out of luck...but who knows. The trick will be documentation of all you have done and for how long. ANd of course this points out the importance of documentation and creating an official caregiver agreement...though some elders would never consider that because there is an expectation family does for one another.

I think your MIL has made it clear how she regards you. You should say "caring for her stresses me and my Crohn's disease flares up, so I cannot do this any longer". Then take good care of your husband so, among other things, he outlives his mother!

My sister had a MIL who said she didn't like the term "mother-in-law"--but she was the kind of person who gave this term the connotation it has!!

I would work out a way to be paid for the errands and work and then pay her rent out of that. It would be hard and expensive to challenge the will as the daughter in law; meanwhile you've got to survive and she could live forever.

In our "family" my sister in law will get quite a wad when my mother dies though she hasn't lived with my brother for 30 years and does nothing to help my mother, who has NPD and craves attention and admiration. The daughter in law flatters my mother but disappears when she's hurt, sick or needs a ride. In fact the whole family is either drunk, on meth and using my mother but if they suck up she thinks they're great. I wish this country's inheritance laws were fairer like Australia's.

some states have legal aid help - look online - and yes anyone can contest the will but it just doesn't mean you will be compensated.

How much money are we talking - maybe you should just charge your mil for what you do - shopping / drs / caring - etc especially if the sons never do it ! also - you can get compensated from one of those elder care places that come to the house and bathe or help out the elder - call one of them and see what is what.
sorry some people are so unappreciative.

Forget it...cannot Fight City Hall. I know How you Feel with this Raw Deal and with Family....GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF THIS and YOU......xx

Contact an elder care attorney. Some will have the first consultation with you for free. They will at least then let you know if they can help you. If she lives with you to be cared for, then you definitely can receive pay for taking care of her. But speak to someone who knows what you can legally do.

No you are not legally entitled to anything if not in the will. And seriously you’re doing the caregiving but past caring for your own wellbeing. If you are this upset about it tell your husband to kick in and pay you or whoever is in charge of the estate. Ie executor or someone with power of attorney.
Maybe you took this on with all the best of intentions. But many daughters get trapped in this and your brother in laws and husband are the only ones in a position to charge it. Sorry you’re on disability but nothing entities you to what is not in the will. Get over it. Or get out

Your issue is not with the Will but with the brothers. Make them pay you by the hour that they would pay a caregiver if you stopped taking care of their mom. If they do not, stop. She is not your mom, so why kill yourself over her.

You have received some good advice here....in your shoes, i would definitely back away from caring for her. Sounds like you are in burnout mode!! Tell your DH he will have to take over her care or hire a caregiver and pay for it with HER funds!!! You must take care of yourself before this situation kills you..,

You could have a "contract" of sorts drawn up and get paid as a caregiver. If she is willing to do that and pay you.
If you feel strongly about not getting compensated for what you have been doing you can begin to step back, Have a sit down talk and let the family know that you are going to step back and let them manage more. People often will not do something for someone because it is already being done. And if you have taken on this role that may be the reason others are not.
I was told, and I do not know if it is in my particular State that is someone fights or contests a Will they may end up getting nothing. Check with Senior Services in your area they may have information on free or low cost legal services to Seniors.
Now personal opinion here for what it is worth. ...
No one should EXPECT to be the recipient of an inheritance.
And if none of the other spouses are included in the Will there is no reason you should be.

No child ever has any guarantee that they will receive assets from their parents’ estate. Even a caregiving child should not have that expectation. A person of sound mind can leave their estate to any person(s) or entity they choose (no explanation or rationale required).

This is a job. If you are not happy with your current situation, work somewhere else.

I’m thinking her children are her benefactors in her will, although if she is coherent and mentally intact enough to legally change it to include you.

Can you have a caregivers contract written and have MIL agree to compensate you for your time spent caring for her?

Otherwise then, yes, when she passes her sons will be her heirs and the estate be divided accordingly.

While I can certainly understand your frustration I doubt that when you started helping and caring for your MIL was it with the thought of inheriting or because you love your husband and she is his mother, an extension of him and family? She may not have given birth to you but you have been a member of her family and important enough apparently that you treat her "as if she were your own mother" and being clear that you are her daughter "in-law" doesn't mean she feels any less about you than she would her own daughter. I'm not sure how old she is but I imagine she might be of the generation or simply training that my grandmother was, male's inherit money and property, women inherit belongings and sometimes property. It was very odd to us but as my GM got older and planned her estate she set it up very carefully. She had 2 son's my dad had 3 kids, 2 boys and me (I'm the oldest) my uncle had a son neither he or my GM ever acknowledged so for her she had 3 grandchildren. My uncle was an alcoholic playboy but that's another story and she set up her estate so he couldn't drink away more than he already had over the years. Anyway she was a very frugal woman and apparently earned enough one year that she wanted to "gift" the maximum (10,000) to the male heirs, my brothers. Not because she didn't love or like me, though she always preferred males but because she really believed the money should go to the male heirs, that's the way it was done. My brothers refused unless she included me and she did but it was never meant as punishment or because she cared less about me, it was just her way. Maybe your MIL being nasty to her daughter-in-law is just her way and in a warped way part of her acceptance of you as part of her family. Is she cantankerous with others? Maybe it isn't you it's just family and people she likes she is cranky with. Either way I don't think making just her sons her heirs is unusual or wrong, each family gets the same portion and divide it the way the see fit, it isn't a reward for being the best son or doing the most care giving we do that for other reasons. we do it because it's family, we do it out of love, we do it out of a sense of responsibility and simply caring about others because we get some personal satisfaction, reward if you will by doing that (not saying it's joyous all the time) and yes sometimes that monetary when we are paid a wage to do it but even paid caregivers, at least the ones that are any good, get more out of it than money.

As far as the oldest son, your husbands brother and whatever transpired with the business, it sounds like it was a business the brothers had so I'm not sure why that would have anything to do with MIL will but maybe I'm not understanding something? Even so legally I don't think you have a leg to stand on from any perspective and I would urge you to let go of that, it only serves to agitate you and perhaps cause more division in the family and strife for DH that just doesn't seem worth it to me.

I doubt you started doing any of the care giving for MIL you did with inheritance in the back of your mind, take pride and satisfaction in the love & respect you expressed for DH by taking such good care of him mom.